Why Satya Nadella is the only BDE you need

While you’ve barely mustered up the courage to ask for a 20 per cent raise (and settled for 10), Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella slam dunked a 66 per cent increment. This is the man who already had his salary doubled in the last two years from around $20 million to 40. Now consider the 66 per cent raise (salary and stocks). That’s maths I can’t even do.

Some might attribute it to the fact that he took Microsoft from the trashcan to a trillion dollars during his tenure, but let’s not waste time on these minor details. I’m building my new life motto off this news report. I need to be best friends with Satya Nadella so I can fly private to his Caribbean island filled with bunnies and malishwale bhaiyyas. We’ll drink margaritas at 12 pm and practice trash-talking a life-size replica of Tim Cook. Will this Microsoft vs Apple showdown end in a gully rap battle? 66 per cent, people. Anything is possible.

I’m channelling Nadella from this moment on — 66 per cent is my minimum for everything in life. If I’m sharing food with someone, 66 per cent of it is mine. Sitting in a crowded train, I’m going to need 66 per cent of surrounding personal space. Warming up with foreplay, sorry buddy, 66 per cent has got to be for me.

Please make way for the new Big Dick Energy. Next time you walk into your boss‘s office to ask for a raise or a day off, just say “Satya Nadella” under your breath and watch the world bend backwards for you. This is the new me, a majestic beast. See you in 2020.