Help, my husband keeps giving away our money to his brothers

After a few months of cutting corners, you’ve finally managed to save up for that week-long family vacation to Thailand. Just as you’re dreaming of pristine beaches, floating markets, and scrumptious Khao Soi, your partner drops the bombshell that he’ll have to loan a hefty sum of money to his chachera bhai who needs to keep his super-niche startup afloat. In a situation like this, your partner’s family will come first, right? How could he not help?

So your dreamy getaway is back-burnered for the foreseeable future. After racing through all five stages of grief in a matter of 30 seconds, you’re left with no choice but to accept your fate. But, what happens when this becomes a pattern? When every kaki, masi, jijaji, and bhatija turns to your partner for financial help knowing he won’t turn them down—and as a result, forcing you to keep your own goals and desires on hold? It’s only a matter of time before your marriage turns into a gory battleground.

In fact, a 2011 study on the role of money in couple’s disagreements found that marital conflicts about money were not only more stressful than other kinds of conflicts, but were also more all-pervasive and likely to remain unresolved. Another study found that financial disagreements were more likely to end in divorce too. It seems fairly obvious that married couples should prioritise the needs of their conjugal family over their extended one. But, is that always viable?

Why is it so hard to say ‘no’?

The short answer is… it’s complicated. On one hand, discovering that your partner has given away hard-earned money to their family members can make you want to rip your hair out in handfuls, especially if you’d intended to use that money to start a small SIP or enroll Pinky in piano lessons. But, on the other hand, it may not be totally realistic to expect that your partner will simply stand by and watch as their relatives struggle to stay afloat.

“Many families view money as a shared resource rather than an individual one, so refusing to lend money can feel like you’re betraying your own family. People are also afraid that they’ll be perceived as selfish or ungrateful,” says Ruchi Ruuh, a Delhi-based relationship counsellor. She’s observed that people often lend money without consulting their partner, which is arguably the fastest way to start a maha yuddh in your living room. “After all, money isn’t the only issue at play—the larger issue is actually that the partner feels excluded from the decision-making process, which can lead to a breakdown of trust over time,” she adds.

Keep the cash clashes at bay

If you’re dealing with a partner who can’t say ‘no’ to their family members, it’s normal to feel like a pent-up pressure cooker—hissing with rage and ready to explode (why not try this anger management 101). But, remember that a little patience, empathy, and communication might be all you need to be clear about your expectations and perhaps even find a middle ground. To make the process a tad bit easier for you, we’ve spoken to financial experts and psychologists to figure out how to get past this issue.

Have an open discussion

Voicing your complaints about your partner’s family can feel like you’ve yelled out a nasty slur in a crowded room. But, the truth is that being open about your grievances—even when they involve a sensitive topic, like family—is better for the long-term health of your marriage. According to Purvi Shah, a Mumbai-based counselling and clinical psychologist, you shouldn’t only resort to communication when you’re in the middle of a fight. “It should be a consistent practice in a relationship, and will ultimately help you avoid conflicts,” she adds. So, don’t shy away from having ‘the talk’, even if it threatens to turn you into a ball of nerves.

Urge your partner to introspect

If you’re dealing with a partner who feels compelled to support their family beyond what feels reasonable, gently urge them to reflect on their motivations for doing so. “Am I doing it out of obligation? Am I worried about disappointing my family? Do I just want to avoid conflict? These are some questions they can ask themselves. Once they’ve taken some time to introspect, they’ll have a more robust understanding of their emotional triggers, which will help them make better financial decisions,” says Ruuh.

Reach a middle ground

Follow the popular quip ‘na tera, na mera’, and find a compromise with your partner. So, maybe lending his family money for important life events like weddings, funerals, and hospital bills is fair, and you can agree to reserve a certain amount for that. But, non-urgent, non-major events can be where you draw the line—or jointly decide what you’ll do on a case-by-case basis. “Try to set a limit to the amount of money you can lend, so it doesn’t affect your own goals,” advises Sachin Parekh, a Mumbai-based financial planner. According to Swapnil Kendhe, a Nagpur-based SEBI Registered Investment Adviser, this number could be 1% to 5% of your financial assets, depending on what you and your partner have mutually agreed on.

Find other ways to help

Instead of simply handing over a wad of cash, Shah suggests working with your partner to find other, non-monetary ways for them to fulfil their desire to help. So, for instance, if your partner’s family member is struggling to find a job, you could help with their job search, connect them to a financial advisor, or just send them home-cooked meals (here are some recipes) so they save on grocery bills. “This approach can alleviate your partner’s guilt about not assisting their relatives, and ultimately, benefit both of you. It’s a win-win,” she says.

Discuss your shared goals

Even if some money is given away to your partner’s family, it’s crucial to have clarity about your long-term goals as a couple, so both of you are mindful of how much money you’re spending on a regular basis. Whether you want to buy a house, move continents, or retire early, don’t shy away from an honest conversation, so your partner can support their family while still working towards your shared goals. According to Sonesh N Dedhia, a Mumbai-based SEBI Registered Investment Advisor, this can be made easier by building a contingency fund, saving for retirement, and charting out a meticulous plan for future expenses.

The bottom line? This is undeniably a tricky situation to navigate, especially when your partner’s family is involved and emotions are running high. But, at the end of the day, remember that you and your partner are on the same team, working towards the same goals, and it may just take a little bit of team work to figure out how to care for their loved ones without burning yourself out.