Struggling to get your sex life back on track, postpartum?
Expert and real-life couples on how you can get over the hump slump
Honey, not today, I have a headache. Whether a veritable excuse or a real affliction, this phrase can kill a raging libido. Add to the mix—My scar hurts; the baby’s crying; I’m lactating; I need to wash swaddles and sterilise bottles, and damn, your mom’s knocking. Cue the postpartum sex slump.
I was prepared for fatigue, a love-loathe relationship with my post-baby body and unrealistic ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ comments much before my now nine-month-old was born.
I was also excited to feel an outpouring of affection for the human I’d created said baby with—visualising baby-free date nights, and sex without the bump (mine. His is more resilient).
This wasn’t close to the truth, even several months postpartum.
After chatting with couples and doctors, I found that struggles with a healthy sex life postpartum are rampant. In fact, some studies indicate that women may have far lower levels of sexual pleasure and emotional satisfaction compared to their pre-pregnancy experiences for often up to 18 months after giving birth.
I discussed the most pressing physical and mental issues, and the experts offer practical solutions.
Postpartum sex—the bumpy road to intercourse
Let’s get physical: changing body, changing sex drive
Representative photo: Mizuno K/ Pexels
The first step of attempting postpartum sex is getting the medical go ahead, which is usually six weeks postpartum. But, depending on the nature of your delivery and recovery, it may take far longer to get your libido back.
Nine months of growing a human takes a toll on the body. While 34-year-old influencer Reena Shah*, who has a naturally petite body type, bounced back to her pre-baby weight within two months, but she still had to come to terms with a new body. “It took me months to feel comfortable with the new bumps and curves. Until I was at peace with that, I didn’t want to have sex,” she says.
I’m still six kilos over my pre-baby weight. On some days my self-confidence matches Rakhi Sawant jumping into the wrestling ring; on other days, my baby isn’t the only one crying while putting on clothes.
While body confidence is important, actual bodily discomforts, such as abdominal and vaginal stitches post a C-section or natural delivery, make postpartum sex harder. Also, vaginal dryness can make the act feel painful the first few times, as was the case with Reena.
Another deterrent is feeling ‘touched out’. Dr Krutika Ramdin, consultant, obstetrics & gynaecology, SRV Hospital, Mumbai explains being touched out as “a feeling of emotional and physical overwhelm from constant touching,” especially after spending an entire day nursing and caring for the baby.
Forget sex, this makes a goodnight cuddle seem like competing in Ironman without training to run a marathon.
Representative photo: Mehmet Turgut Kirkgoz / Pexels
Breastfeeding adds another challenge. Drops in oestrogen and progesterone levels, and hormonal shifts can contribute to vaginal dryness. While prolactin, responsible for milk production, can suppress ovulation and decrease libido.
From sexual partners to co-parents: easing into new roles
Being comfortable in your body is directly proportional to how sexy you feel. New mommies must take time out to care for themselves, their body, and have partners who love (and support) their changed bodies.
And the boys aren’t exempt from bodily changes, either. According to Dr Ramdin, men can also witness a transient decrease in testosterone levels and libido due to sleep deprivation, increased stress and fatigue.
That said, the men we spoke to reiterated that their sex drive was unaffected and they were focused on supporting their spouses.
Rachin*, Reena’s husband, says, “My sex drive has been unaffected but I have to make a tremendous effort in terms of foreplay, setting the mood and making sure that my wife is excited because she’s going through so many physical and emotional changes.”
Gia Lalvani*, mother of a six-year-old, offers this advice for new moms. “I wish somebody would have told me that this slump is not going to affect your marriage. There’s pressure on couples in the first year to have a life outside of parenthood, and physical intimacy is a big part of that,” she says.
“But if somebody had told me to just focus on my needs, and for us to unabashedly focus on parenting, life would have been easier. Your first instinct is to care for your baby and just because your husband is slightly neglected doesn’t mean it’s permanent. Over time, and with effort the spark returns.”
No hard feelings: waiting for the mind to catch up with the body
Once at peace with your body, your sexual urges might return, but your mind may not have caught up. Lalvani explains that while her body felt ready for sex five months postpartum, she was initially preoccupied with thoughts of the baby during sex. The couple didn’t rush things, and found that their sex life gradually went back to normal after their son was a year old and had a set routine.
In addition to the stress of bringing up an infant, Dr Ramdin says that new moms can also feel baby blues or postpartum depression. Baby blues are mood swings which include sadness, irritability, anxiety, low libido, and last for a few weeks postpartum. Once they pass, new moms can feel their sex drive return.
Postpartum depression** involves more prolonged and severe symptoms such as persistent sadness, hopelessness, or numbness. These feelings can significantly reduce interest in intimacy.
Representative photo: Ketut Subiyanto/ Pexels
Mumbai-based psychologist and counsellor Tanu Choksi says that in an Indian context, the cultural hesitation around addressing female desire and pleasure can prevent it from being openly discussed, even amongst couples. This emotional disconnect can add to the lack of physical intimacy, which can only be fixed with honest, transparent conversations.
She urges new moms to talk about their sexual needs (or lack of) before the baby is born. This will ensure that her partner is on the same page about attempting postpartum sex. Shah and Lalvani agree, admitting that it took months of conversations with their partners (and much patience on their part) to get back in the mood for sex.
I was relieved to know that we weren’t the only ones experiencing this slump. Of course, conversations with fellow parents revolve around cute baby stories and practical advice, not dismal sex lives. But just knowing we weren’t the only one’s struggling helped. And the solutions coming up? These helped even more.
How to return to postpartum pleasure: expert tips
Dr Ramdin, Choksi and clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and certified clinical trauma professional Prachi Vaish offer solutions
Plan for sex
Get used to the idea of incorporating intimate time, keeping in mind your baby’s schedule. It won’t happen spontaneously. Leave the baby with the grandparents, get a sitter, plan an at-home date night.
Engage in extended foreplay
It can increase arousal, promote natural lubrication, and make intercourse more comfortable.
Take it slow
Says Vaish, “Reframe sex to mean petting, kissing, touching, mutual masturbation, making out. Remember how during dating days it didn’t matter if it didn’t go to intercourse? The heavy petting was so exciting!” Rushing into full penetrative sex might be uncomfortable initially, so start with non-penetrative activities and gradually progress.
Use a water-based lubricant
This helps reduce friction and discomfort.
Experiment with different positions
It will help you find what’s most comfortable. In case of a C-section, choose positions that avoid putting pressure directly on the scar.
Start with kegel exercises
They strengthen pelvic muscles, improve sensation and reduce pain.
Take support
Hold a pillow or use a position that supports your abdomen to reduce discomfort.
Address your emotional needs and prioritise self-care
Acknowledge that emotional changes like mood swings, fatigue or body image concerns, can impact sexual desire and focus on your mental, physical and emotional needs.
Don’t stop talking
Says Choksi, “The most effective way to spruce your sex life and be on the same page, in any context, is to have an open, honest discussion about your individual needs and your moods.” Let each other back in to your hearts, and slowly you will let each other back in bed, too.
*Names changed to protect privacy
**Please reach out to a certified healthcare provider for guidance if you’re suffering from mental or physical conditions
