How do I tell my in-laws to stop making my kids hug them? #AskingForAFriend
In our ongoing series, the Tweak Tribe and experts weigh in on modern living dilemmas
There are five known love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time and gifts. But in Indian families, the universal love language is pappiyaan-jhappiyaan followed by “arre beta dance karke dikhaao,” especially when interacting with kids. It’s a charming way of expressing affection that has been cherished for generations. However, what feels like love and a harmless tradition can sometimes test a child’s boundaries. And that’s where the challenge lies. We teach our children the concept of setting personal boundaries, good touch and bad touch, and to confidently say ‘No’ to situations that make them uncomfortable. But at the same time we need to have that conversation with doting grandparents and the older generation who feel disrespected by a child’s protest against hugs and kisses.
Setting boundaries in an Indian family may feel like voluntarily jumping into shark-infested waters with an open wound. But it’s one of those things you just have to do for the benefit of your child. But how do you do so without starting World War III within your family? This is precisely what one Tweak reader attempted to navigate when her young daughter showed discomfort and refused to let her grandmother hug or kiss her. Struggling to explain the importance of respecting her daughter’s boundaries to her mother-in-law, she turned to the Tweak community via Instagram (as part of our Asking for a Friend series) for advice. We then enlisted the help of mental health experts to give us added insights.
Asking for a friend: “Recently my mother-in-law tried to hug and kiss my nine-year-old daughter. My daughter refused, which angered my MIL and she demanded that I “discipline” my child.
I firmly told her that I can’t force my daughter to do anything she’s uncomfortable with because I’m trying to teach her that no means no, even if it’s a family member. My MIL retorted that I’m brainwashing my child with these “modern” ideas.
This has happened three or four times now and she simply refuses to stop. How can I have this conversation with my MIL without offending her?”
Expert Speak:
Bengaluru-based psychologist Forum Poojara explains that setting physical boundaries right from childhood is very important because it helps kids understand themselves and their space better. Home is the first place they can learn this since it’s the child’s first exposure to people. It may be difficult to explain this concept to the mother-in-law due to the generation gap, but she can start the conversation by helping the grandparent understand that if she doesn’t respect the boundaries set by the child, the child may become confused about who is allowed to cross those boundaries and who is not, since the concept of boundaries is new to them. “She can also explain to the mother-in-law that this isn’t limited to just her but to all family members including the child’s father, and that everyone is trying to adapt to these concepts. That way she [the grandmother] doesn’t feel like she’s alone in this process,” says Poojara.
Mumbai-based psychologist and special educator Dr Alisha Lalljee’s opinion is that before talking to the mother-in-law, the woman should speak to the child to understand their reaction. Lalljee explains that sometimes kids observe the friction between their grandparents and parents and absorb that so it’s important to find out if they’ve sensed something about the equation which then made physical affection from the grandparent uncomfortable for them. “Then ask them if someone else has hugged them in an uncomfortable way which has led them to deliberately maintain a distance. Let the child first explain the reason for the reaction because it’s her body and her decision. Then once the reason is clear, you can ask the child to convey the reason to the grandmother in her own words so the grandparent can understand this isn’t about her or about the mother brainwashing the child,” says Lalljee.
Tweak Tribe’s thoughts:
Mukta Singh: “Maybe you could explain to your mother-in-law how you want to encourage your child to defend herself against unwanted touch and that this has nothing to do with her?”
Nithya Girish: “You could suggest alternative ways for her to connect and show affection that might be more comfortable for your daughter. Perhaps they could do an activity together or find other ways to bond that feel warm but don’t compromise your daughter’s comfort. Navigating this sensitively could help bridge the gap without making her feel alienated. Hopefully, she’ll see that respecting your daughter’s boundaries now will only nurture a more trusting, respectful relationship between them in the long run.”
Baljinder Kaur Gill: “The daughter is beginning to know her own mind at this age, and her likes and dislikes. MIL will just have to suck it up. I’m a nani and a dadi and my four grandsons are all different. Two of them are all over me with the hugs and kisses and two are not bothered at all and just won’t do it. Everyone is different.”
Aarti Bhonsle: “Explain to your MIL that good touch-bad touch is something that’s important for all kids to learn and your daughter is learning that as well, so you can’t discourage her from expressing her opinion on touch from anyone, whoever it may be, including an elder family member. As children grow older they do realise which touch is love and which is a threat so things will change. But as a rule, you can’t force love.”
Chandni Kumar: “Your mother-in-law is a product of typical mother-in-law nonsense. You stick to your beliefs and advocate for your daughter. You did the right thing, she’ll get over it.”
Nisha Agarwal: “1. Assuming here that you already know why your child doesn’t want to hug her because sometimes it is a deeper reason, but at times it’s also just mood-dependent. And children have a right to be respected too.”
2. I would sit one time with MIL and try and speak to her from the perspective of being a woman and experiencing things that we really don’t want to because it’s assumed we don’t have a right to decide. This will bring out the part of her she has suppressed and maybe she might understand and want differently for her granddaughter and encourage it. But there is always a chance she might also resent these opportunities because she never got them. It depends entirely on her level of awareness and evolution. So have a chat this way and then since she is an adult, it’s her job to take care of her own feelings. It’s not your responsibility. Your daughter, however, is your responsibility since she is entirely dependent on you. So the fact that you are her advocate is an incredible thing. You’re a mom that many of us wish we had.”
Teaching your kids to recognise good touch and bad touch and allowing them to express themselves, are important life skills. They need to see that they’re allowed to dislike something and make it known. Everyone, including close family, has to learn to respect a child’s physical boundaries.
If you would like the Tweak Tribe to help you with your dilemmas, reach out to us via DM on Instagram.
