Parenting, pota politics, and patriarchy: Your guide to raising a feminist son

Despite the sexism siyappa in the house

A study published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society “found” what most parents living in Indian joint-family setups already know: Grandparents love their grandkids more than their own offspring. I recently witnessed a problematic version of this love when my two-year-old was pecked on his cheek by his “saheli” during a play date — in front of his dadi. She skipped reruns of Pavitra Rishta to keep an eye on the kids and asked about his friendship with girls from such ‘open-minded’ households. Other episodes featured dadu asking him not to cry like a “kudi” over his broken toy Hummer, dadi spending the Diwali budget on blue bed sheets for him, and telling him stories of daredevil dadu fighting with lions to rescue dadi in distress.

Credibility of their story aside, my silence-is-golden approach was feeling questionable too. However, it wasn’t until my father-in-law’s impulsive trip to the salon for my junior’s haircut (in my absence), that I decided to change course. “Ladki lag raha tha (he looked like a girl),” he announced. The subtle, and not-so-subtle sexism they were veering my son towards in the patriarchal household was problematic, and it was my job to steer him in the right direction. To teach him gender equality that steers clear of societal stereotypes.

Why must you raise a son to be a feminist?

It is our responsibility as human beings to raise humans who respect fellow humans of all genders, in order to create a better world for upcoming generations — especially when we have faced the brunt of sexism in many spheres of our lives.

“Raising sons as feminists can create a safer, more nurturing environment for women in the future,” says Mumbai-based Rahela Tayyebi, a certified parenting coach and momfluencer. “It can also equip these little men to be more accepting of the strong women we’re raising our girls to be and in turn, help them form relationships,” she adds.

Additionally, a feminist parenting approach where we tell our boys that it’s okay to cry or feel scared, enables them to share their thoughts freely and prevents them from suppressing their emotions. Encourage your son to cry and express their feelings. Avoid using phrases like ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘boys are strong’. The idea is to help them understand that being masculine doesn’t equal undermining or hiding big feelings,” says Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi, renowned parenting coach and founder, Get Set Parent.

According to a study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, this guilt-free expression can help keep hostile feelings like anger and mental health issues like anxiety and depression at bay in the future.

In fact, the resulting high emotional quotient can be a boon for their careers, too. “We’re moving towards the era of an inclusive and empathetic ‘pink’ economy that is driven by people of all genders. Here, caregiving roles and jobs with social skills that require ‘feminine’ traits like compassion and empathy will take centre stage. It is crucial to make sure that these boys are well in touch with their ‘softer’ side,” says Tayyebi.

Why an early start is the best start and the role of parents

According to the World Health Organization, kids between zero to three years of age have billions of dangling neurons that help their brain function at warp speed so they can learn how to giggle, cry, talk, kick, and often, make you want to pull your hair apart. This is your golden opportunity to prime them with nurturing experiences that’ll shape them into sensible adults. Because soon a process called ‘synaptic pruning’ kicks in — the child carries forward the learnings they’re most exposed to, while dumping other sporadic teachings as they’re deemed useless by the brain.

Now, my pruned brain circuit made me realise that there’s a fair chance of my toddler’s brain retaining casual sexism he’s surrounded by. Luckily, I could use our ‘quality time’ to teach him well. After all, toddlers are the world’s best mimics, or so says a 2017 study conducted at Michigan State University. These little copycats tend to replicate their parents’ behaviours since they’re mostly around them during the formative years.

“Parents are the first teachers for kids. The young ones need to see both the parents not only as equals, but also as individuals who complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses,” says Tayyebi.

Chaturvedi further adds that a mother is the most important role model for a child. “When they see their mother as a strong woman who stands up for herself and indulges in self-care, it creates a very positive influence on them for the future because they follow suit and become respectful and accepting of strong women in their life ahead,” she states. How his father treats and speaks to his mother is also of utmost importance.

Expert-backed tips to raise a feminist son in a patriarchal household

Believe in yourself first

Have confidence in your beliefs if you want to convince your in-laws to cooperate. In fact, according to a study conducted at the University of Louvain, confident parents help improve the child’s behaviour and set boundaries effectively. I put this theory to test by replacing my jittery tone while asking my toddler to clean up with a firm “let’s clean up before we move on”. The latter made him take mommy’s words seriously. And now, he does it out of habit.

Talk to your in-laws

Your in-laws have a major influence on your child, especially if you live with them. I say this with adequate digital proof in the form of videos featuring my son saying “siyappa” after peeing in his pants — a trait he has surely not caught on from his parents.

So, if you’re trying to inculcate feminist values without the grandparents being in sync, it can ruin your hard work. According to Chaturvedi, the best way forward is to have a heart-to-heart with the in-laws about your parenting style, your intent behind it, and the changing times.

But if you feel like it won’t work, use the ‘raja beta syndrome’ to your advantage and ask your husband to have that chat about boundaries with them as it would make them more likely to adhere.

Fight the battle alone if you have to

What do you do when there’s no room for acceptance from your in-laws whatsoever? You cash in on the combined power of a deep connection with your child and the good old concept of synaptic pruning. You can create a majority of nurturing experiences so that he is more likely to take the values that you instill forward in life.

“Constantly talking to them about boundaries, consent, and respecting their classmates can reinforce the concept of feminism and help them imbibe it better,” says Chaturvedi. “You can also read stories about strong female role models during bedtime and involve them in cleaning their own room,” adds Tayyebi.

Couple goals are not just for social media

“Kids need to see their parents as equals and individuals who complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses,” says Tayyebi. “When your son sees both his parents being respectful towards each other and sharing responsibility, it automatically fosters a culture of respect and equality,” she adds.