“A natural pregnancy could’ve been fatal for me”
Three women share their stories of pursuing motherhood while living with lupus
Being denied a choice—whether it is as slight as a hairdresser snipping off an extra five inches of your hair or as significant as losing the ability to conceive a child—is a deeply painful experience. As women, we’re conditioned to see motherhood as a natural milestone, almost like a biological destiny. But when a condition like lupus, an autoimmune disorder that causes the body’s immune system to attack its own tissues and organs, steals that choice, the loss can feel immense. Since the disease can often hinder a woman’s ability to safely carry her offspring, this involuntary childlessness can evoke feelings of failure and inadequacy.
For women who stray off the path of natural conception, the carefully curated ecosystem that defines a woman’s timeline crumbles, revealing a blend of confusion, frustration, grief and the struggle to find a way forward.
Recently, in a Vanity Fair interview, singer and actress Selena Gomez opened up about her inability to carry her own children due to certain health risks. Though she didn’t specify a particular medical condition, Gomez has been transparent about being diagnosed with lupus in 2015. Her revelation resonated with several women who are living with lupus and coming to terms with the inability to carry their own child. Here, three women from the Tweak tribe share their experience of navigating lupus and its implications for motherhood.
Pause to accept the situation
Naseema Chitalwala, 37
After successive failed pregnancies led to a lupus diagnosis, Dubai-based Naseema Chitalwala and her husband decided to pause their baby plans to come to terms with their situation and consider other options.
“We began trying for a baby three years after being married, but after four failed attempts including one unsuccessful IVF procedure, we were beginning to lose hope—I wasn’t able to prolong my pregnancy beyond the first trimester. Things only began to make sense after my last miscarriage when I was diagnosed with lupus. We discussed our options with my gynaecologist who assured me that a successful pregnancy could be possible, but I was put off by the entire situation, especially because I had also lost one fallopian tube during my last miscarriage. There were too many emotions and questions bubbling up—could we even conceive? What were my other options since IVF had already failed once before? And if we did, what kind of genetics would be passed on to the baby?
The doctor told me if I wanted to try for a natural pregnancy for the fifth time, they would try and take some extra precautions to prolong it beyond the first trimester. But I’m 37, and if I can’t conceive in the next two years, my doctor strongly recommends thinking about adoption because it will be easier, emotionally and physically. My husband is open to the idea of adoption because he doesn’t want me to go through the chaos again. I have been considering it too, but I have reservations, like what if I don’t connect with the child? Will I be able to adopt a newborn baby or will I have to sacrifice those years if I adopt a slightly older child?
I’ve been practising yoga and meditation to soothe my mind and be hopeful that things will work out for us. It still hurts when we see our cousins and friends with their kids, but we pacify ourselves with the thought that we don’t have to worry about additional expenses for kids at the moment. We have more time to save up if we choose to adopt or have kids naturally in the future. We’re keeping the faith that something good will come along for us.”
Let things that are beyond your control go
Priyanka Asokan, 28
While experts believe that women with lupus can have a healthy pregnancy, the risks are higher—it may be harder to conceive and the chances of miscarriage can’t be ignored. Concerns like high blood pressure and other health complications can negatively impact the development of the foetus. For Coonoor-based Priyanka Asokan, facing these risks head-on has left her grappling with the decision of having a biological child, a dilemma she confronts every day.
“Right before my wedding in 2019, I was diagnosed with blood clots in my jugular vein [a complication that arises due to lupus] and was advised to avoid pregnancy for two years while I was on treatment. Still, I felt pressured to get pregnant right after my marriage, but in the third month of my pregnancy, things took a turn for the worse. I was diagnosed with antiphospholipid antibody syndrome (APLA), an autoimmune disorder that causes my immune system to attack my body’s cells. Eventually, I started to have seizures and had to have an emergency abortion. My kidneys were severely damaged and I even underwent dialysis.
After the abortion, I had no time to mourn for my baby because my health was deteriorating rapidly. My divorce soon followed. I wasn’t ready to have a baby back then; now I may have not even have a choice. But with my family’s support, I have learned to accept the situation. While I do feel broken, I’m grateful to be alive and well. I know I can have a baby if I want to but there’s a lot of risk involved. I’m in a dilemma whether or not to take the risk. But I’ve left that decision for the future.”
A strong support system matters
Priyanka Nair, 35
Coming to terms with the inability to conceive naturally can be emotionally overwhelming, but a strong support system can help you navigate your diagnosis with sensitivity. For Mumbai-based Priyanka Nair, her husband and family proved to be steady pillars of support during her journey with lupus and motherhood.
“In 2008 I was diagnosed with Raynaud’s Phenomenon, a condition that restricts blood flow to the fingers and shortly after in 2012 with lupus nephritis, which affected my kidney function. So when my husband and I started our pregnancy journey in 2019, I was already undergoing treatment for my condition and was referred to an expert who had treated several lupus pregnancies. Initially, the doctors asked us to attempt a natural pregnancy, but despite using fertility medications, it just wasn’t working out for us. When IVF was ruled out as an option, we were eventually suggested surrogacy or adoption. A natural pregnancy could’ve been fatal to me. It was very difficult for me to accept this because I always wanted to have a child of my own. But considering the risks, I accepted that adoption would be a better option for us.
My husband and I had an arranged marriage but I was always transparent with him about my health issues. He had made it clear that if we couldn’t get pregnant naturally, we would adopt; I was more important to him. Convincing my in-laws was a little tough, but my husband handled that conversation very well. Eventually, they understood and came to terms with reality. Though I was in a negative state of mind at first, I found the strength within me to console myself. My parents were my strong support and so was my husband who played a big part in helping me heal. I was expecting a lot of judgement, especially since I was in an arranged marriage, but he just loved me for who I was and that gave me the strength to process my diagnosis. We’ve started the adoption process now, and completed one counselling session.”
While it’s important to grieve your losses, these women share an inspiring reminder that it’s equally important to rise when you’re ready and seek out a silver lining—because even when it’s hard to see, it’s always there.
