All my friends are moving up in life and I fear I’m falling behind

On a particularly hot June afternoon, a close friend and I were waiting for our cabs to arrive after a hearty lunch of aglio e olio paired with gossip when she casually remarked: “I’ve started paying the premiums of my life insurance policy now.” A wave of dread twisted my insides, but all I could manage was a weak, “Wow, great for you.” Her offhand remark held a panic-inducing truth—my friends were taking on adult responsibilities while I could barely manage to save enough money for a basic SIP.

My friends and I began at the same starting line, having met in school or college when we dreamt of pursuing media jobs and emulating Jane Sloan from The Bold Type. We have supportive families with stable finances that give us the freedom to focus on building our careers. But now, in our mid-twenties, our lives and careers are progressing at different speeds.

Friends who said they’d marry late are planning their cocktail receptions, while others have enough savings to build investment portfolios. On the other hand, despite having the clarity and drive to become a journalist early on, it often feels like I’m still finding my financial footing.

Year after year, I find myself eagerly praying to Lakshmiji for a hefty raise or a surprise inheritance to fall into my lap. The anxiety of falling behind my friends is crippling, to say the least. While I’m grateful for what I have achieved, watching them happily tick off adult milestones triggers self-doubt and the fear of not being good enough.

Pop culture has long mirrored the adulting struggles of 20-somethings. Whether it’s Joey, Rachel and Phoebe being unable to afford lavish group dinners unlike Ross, Chandler and Monica in the early seasons of FRIENDS, or Eileen from Sally Rooney’s Beautiful World, Where Are You, feeling the pinch of earning significantly less than her novelist best friend Alice. Closer to home, movies like Kho Gaye Hum Kahan and Wake Up Sid have given us protagonists who struggle with finding their footing in their 20s and feel like they’re lagging behind their friends. It’s a strange concoction of frustration, stress and envy that triggers your anxiety faster than neat whiskey shots.

It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one who’s feeling like a day-old chewing gum stuck to the ground while others have taken flight. To tear myself away from the vortex of negative emotions, I turned to the experts for help. According to Tamanna Edwards, a psychotherapist and group facilitator based in New Delhi, it is quite natural to occasionally feel envious of a friend. But when this feeling grows into anxiety, anger towards them or impacts your relationship, it’s time to reflect on the expectations you are setting for yourself, “Our 20s are marked with multiple feelings, one of which is competitiveness. At times we forget that there is a lot more to our 20s.”

Mysore-based psychologist Shambhavi MR suggests countering debilitating feelings of comparison by reminding yourself that life is not a race with your peers. “Every individual has their own journey. Reflect on your development compared to your previous milestone. If you find that you are progressing, let that make you feel happy and motivated. Focus on the present and enjoy the process.”

If you are still feeling low about things not going your way, Edwards and Shambhavi recommend scheduling some ‘me-time’ and following these steps:

Communicate your feelings to yourself: Introspect with statements like, ‘I feel angry when Mitisha went on vacation to Maldives because ____.’ Allowing yourself to feel difficult emotions might give you some breathing room and prevent you from being too hard on yourself. Personally, journalling my anger and confusion often helps me work through my emotions. I don’t even have to write full sentences—sometimes I just scribble on paper until I feel the anger leaving my body.

Set realistic goals: The best way to remind yourself of your goals, I’ve realised, is by making a vision board. Keeping it somewhere visible can remind you that what you want in life is different from what your friends want, and help you get back on track.

Rest: When you’ve worked hard for something, like a job or a promotion, and it doesn’t seem to be working in your favour, take a step back. I like indulging in a self-care day, whether that involves bed rotting or reading to create some space from what’s bothering me. This allows me to look at the situation from a fresh perspective without a cocktail of emotions clouding my mind.

Find support: What support systems can you access when you’re feeling down and out? I like to reach out and vent to my friends about feeling overwhelmed with not being able to achieve these milestones. They’re usually able to ground me by reminding me that I’m not alone, and that they also feel the same way.

Celebrate yourself: If missing deadlines at work or being passed over for the ’employee of the month’ award is making you question your capabilities, remind yourself of how far you’ve already come. Pull out your previous achievements and credit your present hard work so you don’t put yourself down.

While my LinkedIn and Instagram feeds continue to overflow with celebratory announcements every day, if I were to use these as the barometer of success, I might think that Emily in Paris is the real world and I’m operating in an alternate reality. So I’m starting to put the experts’ advice into practice and accept that not being in the same league as my friends isn’t a reflection of my capabilities, it simply means my path is different. My attempts to feel better may not include the ability to pay LIC premiums at the moment, but I can find happiness with my tiny SIPs and mental health glimmers.

When the comparisons get too much for me, I take a break from Instagram and binge watch New Girl so I know I’m not alone and that Jess, Cece, Nick and the gang are in it with me. Other times I re-read the articles I’ve written in the past to remind myself how far I’ve come and why I’m a writer.