I will be a happy, plus-size Indian bride — deal with it

According to my loving parents, I will never get married if I don’t lose weight. My prospects in the arranged marriage market are inversely proportional to the number on the scale. They think I’m lazy and don’t want to lose weight. They don’t understand what a fat person has to deal with every day just trying to do life. I’m okay with calling myself fat. Yes, in an arranged marriage scenario, being judged for your physical appearance before anything else is highly likely. But does that mean fat people can’t or don’t get married? What is so wrong with being a plus-size Indian bride?

Even though I’m in a serious relationship, marriage is not on the cards right now. We want to take our time to be with each other before involving two families from different parts of the country in such an intimate manner. That doesn’t mean it’s something I don’t think about—especially when the people around me won’t let me forget about it.

There is so much pressure on women to lose weight for their weddings. But I’m clear that it’s not something I’ll be doing, at least not just for my wedding. My parents, of course, have this image in their head that I will be a slim sundari when I get married. But reality check — that’s not me.

Recently, a friend’s brother got married, and his bride was mid-sized; my dad saw a video from one of their ceremonies and couldn’t help but comment that she was on the ‘heavier side’. I reminded him that that’s what I am also going to look like when I get married. Even if I do lose weight, my body is naturally a shape that doesn’t fit the expectations (and measurements) of the traditional Indian dulhan.

I do envision what my wedding would look like, swinging like a pendulum between something extravagant and just going to court to register our marriage. I think about how I will look on the day, what I will wear, whether it will be a saree or lehenga, the kind of bridal outfits you see splashed across social media. I know for a fact that I won’t look like those picture-perfect brides whose candid photographs go viral on social media. I’m okay with it, but no one else seems to be. 

I can imagine people telling me to hide my body behind flowy fabrics, layers and sarees—pleat your saree this way to cover this curve and highlight that more appealing part. For God’s sake, it’s your wedding, and it’s sad that there’s so much tokna about wearing something you want versus what they want you to hide.

Though clothes are a big aspect of crazy Indian weddings, it’s not just about that. It’s about how a plus-size person is treated. If I marry another plus-size person, it’s like, “Haan, dono same hi hain (They both look the same).” Before my nani, whom I love and care for so much, passed away, she too would make comments like, ‘So what if you’re on the plus side? We’ll get you a plus-size husband’. A few weeks ago, my father pointed to two pot-bellied uncles in our society and casually stated that I would end up marrying ‘only those types of men’.

My partner and I haven’t even started thinking about our future and yet, I’m already preparing myself for the emotional and mental toll of a wedding. Relatives are going to say, “Bachpan mein aise thi, ab bhi aise hi hai (She was like this as a child, and she still is).”

I’ve been a dancer since I was a kid, so I want to have a sangeet at my wedding, even though it’s not a part of my community’s wedding ceremonies. I love dancing; I know my mom would love to dance, but then I start thinking, how would I look dancing in front of everyone? What would my relatives say? Will I even enjoy myself? Or will I just be too conscious? Though I am used to people staring, and receiving unsolicited health advice and comments, this still fills me with anxiety.

I’m trying to refocus my attention on what matters to me. I want to be a happy bride. Someone who is excited to do this with friends, family and a life partner. I will be a plus-size Indian bride. I don’t know if that will be in a saree or a lehenga that I have overpaid for, because of the ‘extra fabric’ needed to make it my size. I just know that there’s no way I’m putting on heels to look taller just because my current partner is tall. Wedding sneakers all the way.

This is an anonymous account, as told to Sara Hussain.