We need to teach our kids how to handle rejection

It can hit you hard. One second, you’re sharing your cucumber and cheese sandwich with your 4th-grade desk buddy. Next thing you know, he’s switched seats to sit with Anita, whose mother packed her tiffin with mini samosas. Thirty years later, when your work bestie (ours is a virtual one) decides to have lunch with the new recruit instead, you go into flashback mode. That sinking feeling rumbles in your gut, a whirlpool of anger, anxiety, sadness and jealousy on its final spin cycle. 

Dating, romantic relationships, sports tryouts, entrance exams, job applications and making new friends; at some point in our lives, we have all faced rejection. The only difference, perhaps, is how we react to it, process it and move ahead. You realise the importance of teaching kids about rejection much later in life, when we find ourselves struggling to cope with the emotional pain as adults. 

Emotional or social pain from rejection can linger. Dr Aarti Bakshi, a developmental psychologist and SEL Consultant at SAAR Education, says that scientists have identified “a commonality between physical pain and social pain. Rejection or the pain of being excluded is quite like a physical hurt.”

In studies of MRI brain scans, researchers noted that when we experience emotional pain, such as rejection, parts of our brain light up in the same way as when experiencing physical pain.

Another study showed that reliving the emotional pain of being rejected by a romantic partner is more painful than breaking a bone. Slap on a plaster, rest, go to the physio, and the bone heals. But the pain of rejection lingers, affecting us emotionally, physically, and cognitively.

Not teaching kids about rejection can hurt them more as adults

Unresolved emotions over rejection, or the inability to cope healthily, can lead to chronic stress and mental health issues like depression and anxiety. It significantly affects our sense of self and confidence. We may isolate and cut off social engagements over the fear of being rejected again, lash out aggressively and break social relationships.

Not teaching kids about rejection and how to handle and understand the cues of when it’s happening can skew our perception of other people’s emotions, making socialisation of any kind a challenge. 

Talking about the sex education that some of us are lucky to receive in school, Seema Anand, storyteller, sexual health educator and Kama Sutra expert, says there’s still one big element missing in the curriculum. We don’t teach children about the emotions that they are going to go through. “You get to a certain age, and you will like or have a crush on somebody, and 99% of us will get rejected. It’s a part of life. Instead of reacting like, ‘Oh my god, what is wrong with you? We need to normalise it and talk to them. Say, ‘Haan, sab ko hota hai‘ (Yes, it happens to everyone). We must stop giving such mixed signals and start teaching kids about rejection from the first time they get rejected.” They then understand that it’s going to happen, as much as it’s likely that they will one day be the person who rejects someone else, and how to do it in the most empathetic way they can.

“Can you imagine how the number of acid attacks on girls would drop had people been taught to take ‘no’ for an answer, digest it and handle rejection healthily from a young age?” says psychotherapist Nishita Khanna.

Regarding the adverse effects of being unable to process rejection, the worst-case scenario is developing what Bakshi says is called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). “Dysphoria means extreme and overwhelming pain.” It becomes a serious struggle for an adult to accept any degree of rejection; even a slight disagreement could be interpreted as rejection.

How parents can help children deal with rejection

Bakshi calls rejection a loss – losing something you desire or someone you hoped to be with. As a parent, the most important thing when teaching kids about rejection is to be an active listener for your child to vent their emotions. This way, you support this act of grieving their loss.

As diverse as we are as people and personalities, a snug glove on one person’s hand might be utterly unfit for someone else. More than a ‘right’ way to deal with rejection, Bakshi says there are healthy coping mechanisms that can ease the sting of social or professional rejection (at any age) and help your children learn and practice. 

Help them feel and process the emotions

Your child (or you) has been ousted from their position inside the friends’ circle. They didn’t get into the college they wanted even though they had been preparing months in advance. 

We need to allow ourselves and our children to feel the pain of rejection. Younger kids may not be able to describe precisely what they’re feeling. Teaching kids about rejection starts with letting them feel everything that’s coming their way, rather than going the standard ‘buck up, and move on’, ‘arrey kuch nahin hua, acche bacche aise rote nahin‘ (Nothing has happened. Good boys and girls don’t cry like this) way.

You can help them by asking them questions to work through their emotions, break down complex feelings and make them easier to face: What are you feeling? Is it showing up physically as well? Try and find a way to describe the emotion. Why do you think what X did/said made you feel that way? Do you actually believe what they said about you is true? What makes you think so? If you’re not good friends, does it matter that he thinks of you this way? 

It’s not about opening up an investigation into the inner workings of children’s minds but gently nudging their young minds towards some introspection. For example, if your children aren’t the most expressive through their words, you can try getting them to express themselves through arts and crafts.

Reframing the situation

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But that doesn’t mean it’s not painful. Parents can help children understand their situation better by changing their perception instead of viewing rejection as a failure. Rather than seeing only the loss, it can be turned into a learning opportunity to strike better the next time.

What can be done differently? Doing a damage assessment and seeing the weak link that can be turned into a strength, perhaps even a pivot onto an even better path. Someone told your child they couldn’t come to watch a movie with them because he talks too much? Maybe this ‘talking’ can be channelled into a strength. Perhaps a debate club or dance class of some kind where social engagement is encouraged, and he can thrive with his peers.

Was your daughter told she’s not tall enough for the basketball team? Then, before the next tryouts, you can help her practice her dribbling and shooting skills so no one would even question her height the next time she walks onto the court.

Create small achievable goals

A snub can make your confidence take a big hit. Your children might fear approaching any seemingly risky situation again and stop putting themselves out there out of fear of rejection. One way you can encourage them and help them overcome this is by setting small achievable goals to give them the boost they need. Also, celebrate the small wins with them. 

If they weren’t able to make a lot of friends in their new class, a smaller, achievable goal to set for them would be to have them talk to one person about a game or hobby they really enjoy and, in turn, ask the other person about their favourites too. You help them create common ground, paving the way for possible friendships, and also make a show of celebrating when they do meet the task at hand.

Our brains are wired to thrive on rewards. Harvard business professor Teresa Amabile, PhD and academic researcher Steven J Kramer note in their work that we should take pride in our accomplishments. Celebrating the small ones boosts their confidence and motivates them to reach that next bigger goal.

Assure them that rejection is not always about them

It’s hard not to take rejection personally, but rejection is not always a commentary on us. Assure your kids that the rejection may not be about them at all. Everyone has their reasons for their decisions, different likes, wants, and desires. They may not be the perfect fit for what the other person is seeking, but that doesn’t mean that your child is inadequate in any way. If they’re not a fit for one person, it doesn’t mean they’re not perfect for the next. 

It’s important to view rejection with a bit of empathy. Trying to see different perspectives can make the hurt a little lighter on our hearts and help us understand where the other person is coming from.

Respect the decision

Rejection should be honoured. A ‘no’ means ‘no’, regardless of the circumstance, and you don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you compromise your morals or personal beliefs just to be accepted by someone else. That won’t do you any good in the long run – with your relationship with this person or people and your self-respect.

There will be times when your child is the one who will be saying no to someone else, so understand that rejection should be accepted for what it is

As upsetting as it may be, rejection needs to be accepted for what it is. Hug your children, allow them to vent, and even sulk or mope if that’s what they want to do. Be there for them through this period of sadness, and encourage them to see it not as a missed opportunity but perhaps a chance to find a better fitting one they can work towards.

You can’t simply tell someone to get over feeling like they’re not wanted. But for your kids, knowing that they’re not alone in this bumpy journey can make it a little easier to get through. And eventually get them to the right destination.