He is so emotionally unavailable, it's killing me

“I would cry, but I felt obligated to be the understanding one because he always made it seem like everything else in his life was falling apart,” says Delhi-based Simrit*. She was in a two-year relationship with a man who, she says, offered her only the bare minimum. He rarely spent meaningful time with her—either in quality or quantity—and eventually left her emotionally depleted and in need of professional help.

When you’re in a relationship where your emotional needs are unmet, it can chip away at your spirit. Mumbai-based Anwesha* says her friends noticed a shift in her after marriage. “It’s been four years, and I feel like I’ve lost that cheerful, go-getter version of myself,” she says. Her husband stonewalls her, and she often finds herself questioning her own needs, wondering if she’s expecting too much. “Sometimes, I don’t know how much longer I can keep holding on.”

Emotional neglect in marriages is becoming increasingly common, says Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist at H. N. Reliance Foundation Hospital and Research Centre, Mumbai. “Technology distractions, work stress, and mental health issues are major contributors. Add to that the unrealistic expectations set by social media, and a general lack of emotional awareness, and it becomes harder for couples to maintain intimacy and healthy communication.”

There is a reason Noah, the romantic lead of Netflix’s Nobody Wants This (played by Adam Brody), was one of last year’s most talked-about characters. He was emotionally present, communicative, and deeply attuned to his partner’s needs. Women on the internet couldn’t stop gushing about how rare this kind of man is, both onscreen and IRL. It was another reminder of how many women suffer with emotionally shut-down partners and how it’s a silent killer of relationships.

Emotional neglect can be hard to articulate, especially when some or the other well-meaning mausi or chacha ji is insisting it’s not a “real” problem and “he doesn’t ill-treat you, does he?” Zenia Sravya, psychologist and wellness coach at Silver Oak Health, Hyderabad, offers clarity: “Emotional neglect is the consistent failure of a person to recognise, validate, or respond to the emotional needs of the other. Unlike emotional abuse, which involves active harm, neglect is about the absence of affection, communication, empathy, and support.”

If this sounds like your situation, it helps to understand where the cracks began, how deep they go, and if your marriage can still be salvaged.

How emotional neglect sets in

Neglect often begins quietly—in small, almost imperceptible ways that are easy to dismiss or rationalise. “It can be as subtle as avoiding eye contact during conversations or giving distracted, half-hearted responses while scrolling,” says Dordi. One may see this as a small thing but when it keeps piling up, it’s like waiting for a volcano to erupt. “Over time, these seemingly minor lapses build up, escalating into a consistent pattern of dismissing or ignoring a partner’s emotions.” This can look like forgetting important details about their partner’s life, never checking in about how their day went—what starts as a momentary disconnect can gradually turn into emotional distance that’s hard to bridge.

Apart from meaningful conversations, we also gravitate towards our partner for a safe space, where our hearts and feelings can be at rest. When everything is going fine in our lives, the absence of emotional support may hurt less. But when we are vulnerable—for instance, when we lose a loved one or a job—we crave having someone to hold us. Sravya says that emotional neglect can also look like failing to offer comfort or support during difficult times or withholding affection and intimacy. Jinal*, a 30-year-old woman in Mumbai, who eventually divorced her ex-husband because he was emotionally unavailable and lacked empathy, affirms this. “My cat died and he had nothing to say at all whatsoever. He was not only unaffected by my cat’s passing but also by my pain. He watched me cry and not once consoled me.”

When this emotional abandonment becomes a pattern, it’s natural for the neglected partner to feel unimportant, invisible and unloved. But the truth is, emotional neglect doesn’t always equate to a lack of love. Dordi explains that emotional neglect can be an unintended by-product of unhealed wounds or a lack of emotional vocabulary. “If you were never taught to identify, express or respond to emotions—your own or someone else’s—you’re less likely to know how to hold space for another person’s emotional world.” Sravya points out that differences in love languages may also be causing people to feel like their emotional needs are not being met, “If one partner expresses love through words, while the other shows it through actions, they may feel unloved despite genuine care.” For instance, your partner may be showing their care through service and gifting you a spa appointment for your birthday, but if you value quality time more it may feel like they are not there for you.

Can your marriage be saved?

Sometimes, there is really no going back. “If there is emotional disengagement, repeated neglect despite efforts to improve, loss of trust and respect, and long-term detachment that feels irreversible, your marriage has reached a highly difficult space,” says Sravya. When the cuts are too deep, leaving might just be the healthiest resolution, for both partners.

However, if under all those hurtful layers, there still exists love, and a foundation of respect and care—there might be hope. Kanika* who moved from India to Dubai with her husband says she struggled with loneliness initially. More so because her husband drowned himself in work and was physically, as well as emotionally, absent. “A year went by, with us having minimal conversation which mostly revolved around things like meal planning and our child’s academic performance.” After a few fights that went nowhere, Kanika says she finally had a meltdown. “I told him he would lose me if he didn’t start spending more time with me. It wasn’t a threat or an ultimatum; I was just giving him a clear picture of where I was emotionally,” she adds. It was then that her husband realised it should be taken seriously. They sat down, discussed their needs and started communicating more often. Today, she says, they are in a happy place.

If you believe your marriage can be saved and all is not lost, there are ways to find your way back to each other. But first and foremost, it takes a mutual willingness and commitment to address the neglect, open up communication, and start the journey towards repair. Sravya shares five questions that can help couples develop a better emotional connection:

“What makes you feel most loved by me?” This helps in understanding each other’s love language.

“When do you feel most emotionally connected to me?” This will help you identify moments that strengthen intimacy.

“What is something I can do to make you feel heard and valued?” This will encourage active support.

“How do you feel when we’re together lately?” This opens up space for honest reflection.

“What small daily habits can we do to stay more emotionally connected?” This promotes consistent effort.

Deciding whether emotional neglect is reason enough to end your marriage requires you to take honest stock of your feelings and the state of your relationship—so that whichever way you choose to go, and whatever anybody else says, you know you did what’s best for you.

*All names have been changed to maintain anonymity