10 women over 60 share the relationship advice they wish they'd taken seriously

You’re marrying a whole family

Picture a table where a crew of women, all over 60, are seated at a cafe that feels like a warm hug, where the air smells of coffee and old stories, meeting every Friday, not for a kitty party or caffeine fix.

In this cosy joint, these ladies aren’t swapping tales about whose grandkids got into an Ivy League college or gardening. They’re dishing out the real deal – relationship advice straight out of life’s scrapbook, advice they wish they’d taken seriously when they were still figuring out which way was up in their relationships.

Think of their relationship advice as a crash course taught by the MVPs – real women who have been through the ups and downs, the highs and the whirlwinds of life. Armed with experience, they’re serving up insights like garam parathas on a rainy day.

We asked women aged 60 and above for relationship advice, and here’s what they had to say.

Relationship advice from women who now know better

Go to bed angry

If you google ‘best relationship advice’, one of the first things you’ll see is ‘Don’t go to bed angry’. Unresolved anger can build into unnecessary resentment, especially when a matter of contention can be easily discussed and resolved. Hundreds of comments will affirm this stance, but Meena Kumari Mohan, 63, believes that sometimes, when your partner refuses to find a middle ground, sleep on it. Science says that rushing into quick fixes may also serve as a temporary band-aid on bigger problems.

“Women are expected to be the peacekeepers. So we let things go, we give in for the sake of household happiness and civility. I think on some level our spouses know that, so they always get what they want,” she laughs.

“Sometimes we need to dig our heels in and say, no, I am angry and I will stay angry until you think about this.” It’s not about ego, she says, but standing your ground on matters that you deem important. It could be something your partner refuses to address (it’s easier to get oysters to open up than men) or questions left unanswered.

“When I finally started to stay angry, that’s when people started paying attention.” It’s not easy, she says. People have told her not to hold grudges or be difficult and stubborn. “But that’s because they are used to me always being the one to take the higher ground.”

But sometimes, when they go low, you must forget the highs and meet them on the battlefield.

Be a caregiver, not a nurse

When Varuna Nath, 66, was in her mid-40s, her husband fell seriously ill. She took on his home care while he went through treatment and recovered. Somewhere along the way, she says, something shifted in their relationship. “I became the nurse. Everything became about cleaning up after him and ensuring medication was taken on time. Following a rehab exercise chart. I wasn’t his partner anymore, and everything became so medical.”

She couldn’t shed the nurse role even after her husband fully recovered. “For me, it came from a place of worry, which he understood. But affection went out the window when I mentally entered that ‘medical’ role.”

The spark was lost, she says. Her husband resented being “ordered around. Looking back, I became the head mistress of the house, and my personality had also become this mean and cold person. I don’t know why.”

Shah says that it’s challenging not to view your partner as a ‘patient’ in moments of poor health, but for the sake of your relationship, physical and emotional intimacy, hire a nurse or learn to separate the two roles.

You are more than your relationship

Don’t lose yourself in the relationship, says Shweta Talreja, 62. “I completely lost myself. I took on the role of wife, mother, daughter-in-law. His friends’ wives became my friends. We did things my kids or my husband wanted. It was as if I had forgotten what I liked and disliked.”

The best thing you can do for your relationship, she says, is to maintain your own identity. It’ll be a struggle to juggle, but maintain your group of friends, keep up with your hobbies, and spend time doing the things you also enjoy with your family.

You and your partner were attracted to each other for who you were as individuals. It’s those people you want to be with. This individuality, she says, is also what keeps the spark alive in your relationship.

Know about all the finances, every single detail

Mukta Dubey, 72, says the biggest mistake of her marriage was not listening to her mother. “I knew something was wrong. Where was this money coming from? Where was it going? I didn’t know anything about our finances, and every time I brought it up, I told myself to let it be, because these were a husband’s job to deal with and not my place to question.”

Bad investments, credit card bills, EMIs and loans left her family in debt. Many hard decisions had to be made, and Dubey felt completely blindsided by this huge change in her life, which seriously impacted her relationship with her husband (Have you cheated on your spouse financially?).

Traditionally, financial management was relegated to the husbands, while daily household budgeting was to the women. But family finances can also be a major matter of contention between spouses.

Clear the air and keep all money cards on the table, so you and your partner are on the same page about your financial goals. “The stress it put on him, keeping all this secret and figuring out how to deal with it, must have been incredibly high. It distanced him from me, when I could have helped.”

Compromise is a part of our life

When Vasundhara Rao, 67, married, she moved in with her in-laws, despite prior discussions with her to-be spouse about living independently. “He has a big joint family and I already come from a big family, so I have a lot of responsibilities in both places. If I lived with his family, I would get fully engulfed in their lives.”

After a few years of living with them, they reached a compromise of moving out into their own home, but being close enough to his parents and hers. No one’s family would take constant precedence over the other. They divided up holidays and would rotate which family gatherings to attend, and the distance helped them focus on their own family and relationships as well.

Compromise is a bad word because women are the ones who are usually made to ‘adjust’. But Rao believes that we should focus on finding a middle ground with our partners, which is challenging.

“Given the restraints of traditional society, we unfortunately have to compromise. My relationship advice would be to ensure you’re committing to a partner who will follow through with their promises as much as you are expected to, when it comes to meeting each other in the middle.”

Your relationship exists beyond your children

“Relationship aur pyar hai toh bacche hain (children come from your relationship), they are only a side effect,” laughs Mehrunissa Riaz, 76. Anjani Kapur, 61, echoes her sentiments, saying, “Your relationship doesn’t exist solely for your children.”

Their relationship advice seems simple, but they add that only people with children will understand how tough it can actually be to talk about things other than your children. They are a beautiful part of your relationship, but that’s not all there is. “You must maintain interest in each other as well,” adds Kapur. “Do things together. No kids allowed.”

Take time out for dinner dates and movie nights, and have a ‘couple hobby’ you do together (like these daredevils that travel the world together).

“When you become empty nesters, it’ll feel like you’re living with a stranger you have nothing in common with anymore,” adds Riaz.

Communication is a muscle everybody exercises differently

Effective communication doesn’t come naturally. We put effort into it, a skill that requires constant learning, unlearning and adapting. Nandini Choudhary, 60, and Vaishnavi Manoj Sahai, 64, both say they have had to work on clear, open and honest communication with their partners and often struggled to get them to open up.

“Men are taught from a young age to keep things bottled up. They don’t know how to talk about their feelings. Women are told not to talk too much about feelings, or they’ll call you sensitive and dramatic. But it’s important to actively work on it, for the sake of your relationship,” says Choudhary.

Sahai adds that we also need to pay heed to the differences in our communication styles. “Just because you express feelings and emotions in one way doesn’t mean your partner has to do it in that exact method. We all have our own way language.” Sometimes, you need to match your partner’s to get the point across, and on other occasions, they need to respect yours. “Then there’s also what my daughter told me is called love languages,” says Choudhary, and learning to speak your partner’s love language will improve your relationship (here’s how).

You’re marrying a whole family

Take it seriously when people say you have a new family after marriage. Your spouse’s folks will want to parent you as much as they do their child, and you need to be ready for some negotiating and discussions (maybe even butt heads, like you did with your own parents growing up).

Maya Shah, 73, faced numerous challenges after her marriage. A Catholic marrying into a traditional Marwari family was quite an adjustment for her. Her desire to study and work displeased her mother-in-law.

“I had to make her understand that I wanted to do my post-graduate in training physically handicapped kids. She grumbled, but over the years she got used to me.”

The great thing about being part of a family is that you learn from each other and grow with each other. Shah adds, “I would also coerce her to dress up and take her out for coffee—it was important for her to see the world too.”

Let the wisdom of these women, like a beacon in the tumultuous sea of relationships, illuminate the path for all who seek understanding, empathic and lasting connections. While people may change and relationships end, the wisdom gained from your experience will remain as a compass to navigate the complexities of life.