Moving in with a friend is the quickest way to lose them
No, it’s not an endless sleepover
A while ago, during my 2 am meanderings on X, I stumbled upon a screenshot of a text conversation between ex-roommates. “I made the yummiest salad and thought of you,” began the series of texts, swiftly followed by a recipe and a tear-jerking message at the end, “Every time I eat something good, I think of how much you would like it, too”. The post had gone viral, with 10,000 likes. Hundreds of replies chimed in with sappy declarations of how much they loved their roommates too—some, even tagging them in the comments. “I’ve only ever had one roommate and I genuinely miss her. She made the best Bangladeshi food and always shared it with us,” read one reply. Most tender, perhaps, was one that read, “I want us both to eat well.”
While heartwarming, I couldn’t help but think back to my own experience of living with a roommate, which had me convinced that the fastest way to lose a friend is to move in with them. Before we started living together in January 2022, Anaya* and I had been close friends for a year and a half after meeting in our first semester of college. Neither of us had any doubt that our days would be filled with impromptu ‘fashion shows’, baking sessions, and hour-long walks around our society. Both of us were quiet, anxious introverts who’d bonded over our penchant for coming-of-age novels and poetry, after all—what could possibly go wrong?
A lot, as it turns out. Sharing interests, we realised, was one thing, but cohabiting a space together sent our friendship down a Takeshi’s Castle-like obstacle course. The two of us were polar opposites when it came to our domestic styles. She obsessively cleaned every surface in the house—even sacrificing her precious Sundays to clean the balcony (which we never even used!) while I… well, I followed a strict ASAP policy: as seldom as possible. Much to Anaya’s chagrin, I’d wait until the last possible minute to clean my dishes, throw out the trash, and wipe down the counters.
To make matters worse, she was an early riser whose alarms would echo through the house at 6 am, while I was a night owl, spending the wee hours shuffling between various social media apps. This meant I’d be rudely awakened just hours after falling asleep by the screechy whistle of her pressure cooker, while she grumbled about the din I’d make in the kitchen as I ground peanuts into a paste for my DIY peanut butter at 10pm. After months of pent up irritation and resentment, our hangouts grew few and far apart, and we often avoided the kitchen or living room when we knew the other person was outside. In due course, this wore out our goodwill towards each other and caused a rift in our friendship.
Now, even though it’s been 11 months since we moved out, our numerous efforts to renew intimacy have failed and we’re realising it’ll be years before we can fully let go of the resentment we’re carrying.
Sameer Sethi*, a Mumbai-based musician, also recalls moving in with two close friends in his second year of college. Very soon, they started pinching meals he’d prepared for himself, throwing loud parties in the wee hours, and regularly “forgetting” to repay their share of the electricity bill. Miserable and lonely, he had no option but to eventually move out, admitting he was most unhappy about losing his friends.
The truth is, moving in with a friend can be a hit or miss, but is that a risk you’re willing to take? In a best case scenario, you end up sinking into a comfortable rhythm like a sukhi parivaar, but in a worst case scenario, you have shouting matches in the living room.
If you’re on the fence, don’t fret—we consulted with Guwahati-based Kasturi Mahanta (relationship therapist and author), New Delhi-based Ruchi Ruuh (relationship counsellor), and Lucknow-based Dr Prachi Saxena (clinical psychologist and co-founder of The Emotional Wellness Initiatives) who made a handy check-list of questions you need to ask each other before moving in. Covering compatibility, red flags, and non-negotiables, it can help you avoid blowing up a good friendship, or then go on to make tender roomie memories for a lifetime.
This conversation requires both of you to be vulnerable, so it’s important to find the right time and a quiet spot. “And remember, these aren’t rules, they’re conversation starters,” Mahanta emphasises. “They aren’t meant to micromanage, but simply help build clarity, softness, and shared ground.”
20 questions to get out of the way before moving in with a friend
Finances
Granted, talking about money can make you want to shrivel up with awkwardness, but it’s an unavoidable part of sharing a space with someone. Whether the AC needs to be fixed or your precious bundle of dhaniya has run out, you don’t want to be stuck sending a gazillion Google Pay requests to your friend.
- What’s your budget? How much are you willing to spend on the maintenance of the apartment?
- Would you want to rent a fully furnished apartment? Or a semi-furnished or unfurnished one we can do up ourselves?
- How would we divide the cost of rent, groceries, WiFi, house help? Would you want to split the cost equally or according to how much we each use these utilities?
- How would we keep track of shared expenses? Would you prefer to square accounts immediately? Or use an app like Splitwise and do it at the end of each month?
Lifestyle
You may think your best friend is God’s gift to mankind, until you spot her sweaty sports bra strewn across the living room floor like some kind of avant garde art installation. You wrinkle your nose and whisper ‘ew’ under your breath, hoping this is just a one-time oversight. Our advice? Don’t live on a prayer. You can’t underestimate the importance of knowing just how messy, lazy or noisy someone is at home, especially when the initial days of trying to impress each other are over.
- What time do you wake up and sleep? When do you usually use common areas like the kitchen and living room?
- Do you usually watch TV or listen to music on full volume or do you prefer headphones?
- Do you follow any rituals or religious practices you’d want me to be mindful of at home?
- Will you be travelling frequently?
Chores
I hate it, you hate it, and your padoswali aunty’s chachera bhai hates it. Nobody likes scrubbing dishes as tiny bits of food float around in the water, or suffering through that dreaded arm workout as you hoist a week’s worth of laundry out of the washing machine. (Except maybe my ex-roommate, sigh.) The bitter truth, however, is that chores need to get done—whether leisurely or in record time—so it’s best to figure out early on if you’re rooming with a Lazy Leena or Tidy Tina. (Here’s how you can deal with a flatmate who hates doing chores.)
- What does cleanliness mean to you? How often would you do a deep clean?
- If we’re sharing a bathroom, how do we share the responsibility of cleaning it?
- Will we be cooking jointly or making our own separate meals?
- Which chores do you hate and which ones do you not mind? We can try and divide chores in a way that feels considerate.
Boundaries
Living in close proximity with someone means you risk stepping on their toes and fetching a few side-eyes. That’s why it’s a good idea to practise not just physical hygiene but also emotional hygiene, and make sure you’re steering clear of each other’s privacy needs, weird insecurities and bad moods.
- Any pet peeves or triggers that I can try and take care to avoid?
- What are your boundaries around personal belongings? Am I allowed to borrow a hairbrush or pen without asking?
- What does ‘personal space’ look and feel like to you? And how can I respect it?
- Would you mind if I had guests over? Will you have guests over often?
- What’s your comfort level with bringing dates or romantic partners home? Are there any ground rules we should set to avoid awkwardness?
Connection
Between rent notifications, kitchen accidents, and frivolous arguments, it’s easy to forget that the whole reason you’re even living together is because you actually like each other. While it’s normal to get complacent, remember that a fleeting greeting as you rush out of the door isn’t the same as a deliberate and mindful conversation. As with any relationship, you’ll need to make time to nurture it.
- What’s something that makes you feel cared-for at home? Stocked milk, clean counters, or a listening ear after a bad day?
- While living together, we may discover parts of each other—perhaps unpleasant ones—that we haven’t yet witnessed in our friendship. How do you want to communicate if this happens?
- How can we preserve our existing friendship and keep things fun and exciting?
*Names changed for anonymity
