How can I be friendly with my dadi when she's mean to my mom? #AskingForAFriend

There’s a silent consensus on the internet — Mum’s side of the family is better than dad’s. Even if it’s not extreme, most of us are biased towards our maternal family tree. The saas-bahu friction isn’t a new phenomenon and is more often than not rooted in the sharing of affections of the child or spouse, respectively. But this friction can often result in strained grandparent/grandchild relationships. And that’s exactly what this one Tweak reader was experiencing at home. To get some answers, they turned to us via our Instagram series Asking for a Friend, where the Tweak community shares their advice on real-life issues. We also roped in experts to give us their take on it.

Asking for a friend: “Hi Tweak, I love how you guys handle all family relationship topics. I wanted to ask you about my problem.

My paternal grandmother (dadi) is very old and she’s quite sick, she’s been living with us so she can get her treatment. I know I’m supposed to respect her but I can’t bring myself to be nice to her.

My mom has told me stories of how horrible she’s been to her ever since she was a newlywed. My dadi is still quite mean to her and never thanks her for the sacrifices she makes to be able to care for her.

My dadi is good to me but I don’t know how to ignore her behaviour towards my mother.”

Expert speak:

Delhi-based counselling psychologist Sonali Verma, who shares her expertise on coto, a women-only social community platform, says that a situation like this is challenging because of the special relationship we share with our parents. However, she says that you don’t have to choose between the two relationships, “You can be there for both parties, providing the support they need,” Verma says.

“Communicate with your parents about how much involvement they desire in this relationship. Based on that, set boundaries for yourself, your parents and your grandparents. Additionally, dedicate quality time every day to spend with your grandparents to better understand them and connect with them emotionally,” recommends Verma.

Forum Poojara, a Bengaluru-based psychologist, says that you need to consider that these things go way back in time between the grandparent and the parent, and it’s tough to completely understand their respective experiences. “It would be best to refrain from trying to make their relationship better. Instead, respect individual differences and the differences in relationships. You can hold your parent’s respect by accepting their experience, while reciprocating your grandparent’s behaviour with you,” Poojara says.

Tweak Tribe’s thoughts:

Sheetal Bhanti: “Been there done that! But in my case, my Maa was clear that we have to remember that, first and foremost, she’s our dadi, and then that she’s human. The rest of it was not our battle to fight.”

Ria Dutta: “I’ve found that ‘if someone is not bad to you, they are fine’ is a good motto to approach relationships. Point out when they are mean to others — by no means ignore bad behavior — but carrying other people’s experience is not our job. Besides, she is sick and, as someone she loves, you should do the bare minimum of taking care of her without any malice. We are all human first and some people don’t know what they have done wrong because they don’t have any context.”

Rashmi Ravinray: “You can play the grandchild card and tell dadi flat out that you feel bad when she is mean to your mum, but in a soft tone. Also, you can hug and praise mum when she does something nice for dadi in front of her to spotlight her care.”

Dining table conversations: “Ideally, your father should have interfered and stood by what was right, and fixed it before it became a norm. But what is more important to focus on is the lack of action which has conveyed a message to your dadi that it’s her attitude which is ‘controlling’ the relationship between your mom and her. And this is keeping your mom grounded and in check. Maybe she also faced the same from her mother-in-law and perceived this attitude as the ‘right way’. It is important to convey this with loud and clear words that it’s not her attitude, but your mom’s kindness and respect which has kept this going all these years. Firstly, ask your father to address this politely but consistently. If that doesn’t work, then you and your siblings should stand up for your mom. Resolve this! It will not only save your family’s mental peace, but will also result in a much-needed upgrade in your family’s value system. It will also help the future additions to the family.”

Sid: “Our mothers have been through enough and no, it isn’t disrespectful to call out your elders, as long as you choose your tone and words wisely.”

Swayampurna Mishra: “Don’t stand for any disrespect! Anyone who disrespects your mother can never truly love you.”

If you would like the Tweak Tribe to help you with your queries, reach out to us via DM on Instagram.