Masturbation, mawa cake, melatonin — the single’s guide to Valentine's Day

Eat, treat, orgasm, repeat

Now that the never-ending trial month of January is finally over, the year can actually begin. But February has a few days jisse mera koi lena dena nahi hai (that I have nothing to do with). If you instantly thought of Valentine’s Day too, then you and I are sailing in the same boat. While couples will be in the deep throes of romance, we’ll probably be kissing our glasses of Merlot. As tables for two will be overbooked all over the world, we’ll be phailaoed (spreadeagled) by ourselves on a two-seater couch, locking eyes with the takeout box of chilli garlic noodles and spring rolls.

February 14th is when a large part of the population is either busy getting lost in each other’s eyes, sitting in a sea of red, or hosting bonfires to celebrate their singledom. But if, like me, you’re part of neither camp, here’s how you can spend the day pampering yourself in a not-so over-the-top way. And since it’s a work night, there will be no partying; only unwinding.

The single’s guide to Valentine’s Day

Chase the endorphins

Valentine’s Day this year is bang in the middle of the week — on a Wednesday. Unfortunately, this means no sleeping in. So why not start the day strong with a workout? Nothing can make your skin glow like a surge of endorphins that comes from exercise. Go for a brisk walk while blasting energetic Punjabi music, lift some weights at your gym or channel your inner Baba Ramdev as you hold the perfect downward dog. We promise you won’t regret ticking it off your task list first thing in the morning. The naturally flushed look will just be the cherry on top.

Food for the soul

Skip intermittent fasting for the day and indulge in a hearty breakfast. What’s your soul food? Nutella pancakes with whipped cream or warm, fluffy idlis with coconut chutney and spicy sambar, with a side of perfectly brewed filter coffee? Either way, indulge in whatever your heart desires and let your first meal of the day be soul-nourishing.

Gourmet delicacies

If you were partnered up, you’d probably be neck-deep in decadent desserts. So satiate that sweet tooth anyway and surprise yourself with a little post-lunch dessert. What’s it going to be? Powdered donuts? Maybe a tiramisu or a soft-as-a-cloud rasgulla. Or maybe it’s a ‘eat a whole mawa cake by yourself’ kind of day. Whatever it is, remember, calories don’t count today. And when that 4pm slump hits, feel no guilt in getting yourself a hot vanilla latte or your regular cold brew — whatever gets you going.

R & ₹₹₹

Several women will receive promise rings and heart pendants on this day, so why should you be left out? Splurge on that one item that’s been lying in your shopping cart forever. Whether it’s a bag from a luxury brand or a pair of stilettos; maybe it’s a pair of quirky earrings or an expensive silk dress that hugs your curves — hit that Google Pay button and treat yourself to some retail therapy.

Netflix and chill

The lovey-dovey romance vibe on Instagram might lead you to swiping on dating apps or entertaining an ex-flame lurking in your DMs. Resist the temptation to go down the slippery slope of wanting to be a duo on this day, put your phone on DND, lay back and stream a movie that warms your heart instead. If you’re into romantic comedies, pick from one of these movies that’ll turn you into a ball of mush.

Love Per Square Foot (Hindi)

One of Vicky Kaushal’s early career gems, Love Per Square Foot revolves around a marriage of convenience between two strangers for a bizarre reason —finding a house. Sanjay (Kaushal) and Kareena (Angira Dhar) decide to enter into a pretend marriage to buy their dream home in sapnon ki nagri (city of dreams) Mumbai. What follows is a heartwarming tale of two people finding love unexpectedly, while navigating the chaos of chasing their dreams.

A Tourist’s Guide to Love (English)

Travel and love is an explosive combination that’s rarely boring. A Tourist’s Guide to Love will take you to Vietnam with our protagonist, Amanda, who is visiting the country with a strictly planned itinerary on her boss’ orders. But the free-spirited tour guide she meets there transforms her from a tourist into a traveller, and opens her eyes to adventure and love, sans a guidebook.

Anonymously Yours (Spanish)

Did you also miss out on a high school romance like I did? Then this Spanish rom-com will tug at your heartstrings. Teenagers Alex and Vale develop an anonymous digital friendship, completely unaware that it’s each other they’re speaking to. Take a ride with the two teens as their friendship turns into romance, while they navigate the complex world of high school life.

If, however, you prefer edge-of-the-seat thrillers instead, these options may be more suitable.

Heart of Stone (English)

When a movie stars Gal Gadot, Jamie Dornan and Alia Bhatt, you already know it’s going to be two hours well spent. Heart of Stone follows an undercover intelligence operative (Gadot) working for a global peacekeeping agency, as she races to stop a brilliant hacker from stealing the agency’s most valuable asset. The googlies this movie throws will keep you hooked till the very end.

Mrs. Undercover (Hindi)

Thriller, comedy and action come together in Mrs Undercover, starring Radhika Apte as Durga. A secret agent, Durga’s cover of being a housewife becomes the reality of her life after the file on her gets misplaced. Thirteen years later, she’s assigned the task of tracking down a cunning serial killer in Kolkata. How she balances her household duties while completing her mission forms the rest of the plot. It’s entertaining and lighthearted, but the mystery of the serial killer does not fail to pique your curiosity.

Society of the Snow (Spanish)

What happens when you’re stuck in an inaccessible, hostile environment with seemingly no way out? Society of the Snow, a Spanish thriller drama, based on the 1972 Andes flight disaster, will tell you. After a flight carrying a rugby team crashes into a glacier in the Andes, the passengers are forced to survive however they can, even if it means resorting to cannibalism. It’s a gripping tale of survival instincts, last resorts and pure desperation.

End the day with some self-love

The best way to wrap it all up on the day of love is by engaging in the holy trinity of ‘M’s — masturbation, melatonin and mattress. Get down and dirty with your favourite toy or consider experimenting with some alternative items and drive home that big intense O. Pop a melatonin gummy, wear your panda-shaped eyemask, and sink into your ultra-soft and cushiony mattress. Let your bed hug you as you embrace sweet slumber and fall into the deep throes of rest.