5 rules of a healthy relationship from Sudha Murty and Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

A wife is your partner, not a mother

When we started reading An Uncommon Love: The Early Life of Sudha and Narayana Murthy by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, best-selling author of Palace of Illusions, we knew this was a love story that lives beyond the pages. Divakaruni’s narrative delves into the intricacies of their love, weaving together threads of passion and admiration with challenging situations that are not associated with the power couple. In fact, that’s precisely the misconception you start to shed with each page that you turn.

Divakaruni’s intimate writing transports us to an era where the Murthys’ love not only survived adversity but was strengthened by it. Looking beyond ‘happily ever after’, the book documents disagreements, family hesitations and household duties, which become like supporting characters.

Through anecdotes and shared experiences, the two women dissect relationship entanglements, and offer a guiding light for those embarking on their own romantic adventures.

Overcoming common relationship hurdles with Sudha Murty and Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

#1 “What is fundamental to us, the other person should not dilute or try to change” – Sudha Murty

In the book, Divakaruni shares anecdotes from the Murthys’ early friendship-turned-courtship. She was outgoing and vivacious, with a love for Hindi films and music. On the other hand, he was more reserved and introverted, and preferred Western classical music and the company of books. But they never tried to change the parts of each other that made them who they were—the people that they fell in love with.

“We have a basic value system with which we agree and align. But there are areas which we do not touch,” says Murty during our talk. So opposites can attract, but when your core values and goals are aligned, you adjust and make it work. The ‘I can change him/her’ belief only leads to disappointment for everyone involved.

#2 “When [couples are] serious with each other, they should talk about their attitude towards money” – Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

While the ‘money talk’ makes most of us squirm, both women agree that transparency is the name of the game. Whether it’s talking about merging finances with your partner after marriage or asking for a raise at work, conversations around money have long been private and awkward affairs. There’s a certain expectation to keep the ledger of one’s personal wealth away from the prying eyes and ears, kyunki buri nazar na lag jaye (we’re as obsessed with evil eye as you).

Financial discussions in India can feel like tip-toeing through a minefield. In actuality, conversations about money can be a pragmatic acknowledgement of adult responsibilities. Murty says, “Talk these things out before marriage. You’ll go on dates to five-star or seven-star hotels, talking about all sorts of things. End of the day, those things are immaterial. If you know you are serious about this person, talk about the fundamental things first. After marriage, what kind of house do we want? Who will pay the rent? Who will do the kitchen work? Everything you can think of, talk it out beforehand.”

#3 “The people who really matter, they will come around” – Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

The journey of finding your life partner doesn’t end with finding ‘the one’. Meeting them is only the first step. The support and acceptance of both families comes next and, is often one of the biggest hurdles couples have to overcome.

In our society, we often get caught up in ‘log kya kahenge’ battles, especially when your partner isn’t considered an ‘ideal match’ because of class, culture and community differences. But given how socially and culturally diverse our country is, there are bound to be differences. Some you accept, some you overcome. But for Murty, the only opinion that should matter when it comes to your life partner is that of our families and loved ones.

“A lot of the times, if we give a little time to our family, the people who really matter, they will come around,” adds Divakaruni.

#4 “Understand that love has many facets. It changes its form, like a bud becomes a flower and then a fruit. It’s changed completely but is also the same at the core” – Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

The man Sudha Kulkarni met in her youth isn’t the man Sudha Murty is married to today. “I am aware of what I was 50 years ago. We’ve both changed, physically and mentally. That means we have changed together. Change is something we should expect in life.”

Experiences mould us into different versions of ourselves in each stage of our lives. Both women say that expecting your partner to be the same person for the rest of their lives is unreasonable. The point is to change and grow together. Some changes you will like, others you might take time to accept.

As Murty says, as long as the fundamentals you build your relationship on are consistent, the affection remains through changing situations.

#5 “Don’t compare your wife with your mother” – Sudha Murty

It’s an annoyance many have confronted at some point, Murty voices it aloud. Something she has also done with her husband and her son, Rohan.

She explains, “Your mother is from a different era and culture with a different set of difficulties and advantages. Your wife is a different person. Comparison is the root cause of misery.”

It’s apples and oranges, and this fruitless exercise will create more strife than resolutions.