What mothers-in-law want, and no, it's not a regular supply of round rotis

They are not all monsters-in-law as the world would have us believe

For generations, mothers-in-law have been depicted as absolute nightmares, even worse than accidentally showing up to work in pyjamas or hitting ‘reply all’ on a snarky email. We imagine a matriarch armed with an authoritarian glare, an obsession with spotless countertops, and the ability to go full Gordon Ramsay over a slightly oval roti.

The essential ingredients of a stereotypical mother-in-law? Taane (taunts), unsolicited advice, and the occasional long-suffering sigh. Whenever a woman announces her wedding plans, her friends’ first question—before even discussing her bridal looks—is whether her future mother-in-law is supportive or sees her as a threat to her throne.

But as families evolve, and culture shifts, so must relationships, including this historically conflicted one. And that requires patience, understanding, and thoughtful communication. When we shared a post on Instagram featuring the perspectives of Indian daughters-in-law, many Tweak readers were curious to hear from mothers-in-law as well.

To explore their side, we spoke with several mothers about their emotions, how they are navigating the changing dynamics within their families, and what it is they really expect and want from their daughters-in-law. Their insights offer a glimpse into the evolving nature of this relationship—shaped by tradition, adaptation, and the pursuit of mutual respect.

On adjusting to the change

When a son marries, a new family unit is formed. For some mothers, this transition is smooth. For others, it’s about as easy as convincing their husband to put his socks in the laundry basket.

Meena*, a 66-year-old woman who lives in Mumbai, embraced the change, giving her son and daughter-in-law space. “They’re building a life together, and I want them to do that freely.” At the same time, she values their bond. “Space matters, but so does connection. I love our shared meals and daily chats—plus, it’s the only way I get gossip without actually prying.” Meena says she has always been someone who likes individuality, so she herself keeps busy with her hobbies, fitness activities, and a social life.

Sunita*, another Mumbaikar in her 80s, whose son has been married for a few decades, found the transition harder. “I devoted my life to being a mother. My son used to take us out for dinners and long drives. After he got married—and especially after my husband passed—I felt distanced. I know children move on, but loneliness lingers.” She often feels she is imposing on her son and his family, but Sunita desperately tries to fill the void left by her husband’s passing by seeking connection with them.

On raising the grandchildren

Becoming a grandmother is a joy, but it also comes with the challenge of generational differences, especially when it comes to parenting.

Sunita enjoys sharing her wisdom, especially through food. “My grandchildren love my recipes and insist the cook follow my style,” she says. When it comes to disciplining, she acknowledges that much has changed from when she was a mother. “I was much stricter with my kids. Now I offer advice, but their mother makes the decisions—as she should. Even if it means I have to watch my grandkids negotiate their way out of eating vegetables every day.”

She adds that her daughter-in-law always hears what she has to say, and that makes her feel seen. “She listens, even if she doesn’t always follow my suggestions. I’ve learned to respect that and to remind myself that a mother knows what’s best for her kids.”

On managing money

Many older women grew up in households where men were the sole providers, but now they see their daughters-in-law managing careers, investments, and savings. This can evoke many mixed feelings—relief, pride and optimism for the opportunities available to younger women, but also regret, envy and resentment for what they were not afforded.

Fifty-eight-year-old Chennai resident Saima* once had a bank job which wasn’t very high-paying but she loved the financial independence it gave her. She was pressured to quit after marriage. “I never had to ask for money before, and that meant everything. Giving it up was hard,” she admits. Now, she fully supports her daughter-in-law’s career. “I want her to have choices. If she needs help with the kids, I’ll be there—not to tell her to quit, but to support her. And to spoil the grandkids, of course.”

On the other hand, Sunita, whose daughter-in-law is a homemaker, is concerned about how she spends money. Sunita saw lean times growing up and worries about over-expenditure. “We built our wealth by saving. But now, I see my son struggling while maintaining a lifestyle beyond his means for his wife and children,” she says. “I wish they’d plan for the future before it’s too late. I may be ruining the fun but expensive holidays don’t pay retirement bills.”

On household duties

Traditional gender roles are shifting, forcing many mothers-in-law to reassess expectations of their daughters-in-law—as well as their sons.

Meena* doesn’t expect her daughter-in-law to manage the household alone. “She works, so I don’t expect her to do everything. We have help for a reason. But when needed, pitching in matters.”

Others have had to unlearn ingrained biases. Hetal*, a 65-year-old woman from Mumbai, admitted she initially expected more from her daughter-in-law than her son, in terms of domestic duties. But what she observed changed her mind. “I saw her burning out and realised my expectations were unfair. After some honest conversations, we hired more help, and life is smoother now. “

Pallavi*, a 62-year-old from New Delhi, whose son is about to marry, says she feels some regret about not teaching him household work. “I do expect my daughter-in-law to take on more household responsibilities than my son, at least for now, since she’s currently on a career sabbatical,” she says. Then she adds, “Honestly, I come from a time when women were raised to run the household, and men were raised to be the breadwinners. But my son doesn’t do anything around the house and I feel bad because he may become overdependent on his wife. Maybe this is a good time for him to start learning. ”

Message for my daughter-in-law

It’s not easy to bare your soul and speak with sheer honesty, especially when it comes to expressing vulnerability. But these mothers-in-law took down their walls and shared with us the one thing they wish they could tell their daughters-in-law

“I am sorry if you feel I am invading your space. I just feel lonely and want to be included.” – Sunita

“I want you to make your career and I am here for you if you need me.” – Saima

“Remember my age and the way I was raised. If my thoughts seem outdated to you, tell me, but kindly.” – Hetal

“Know that you can always make changes in this home to make it feel like your own.” – Meena

“I never wanted you to take on an unfair burden of household duties. I am stuck in the same boat.” – Pallavi

Not all mothers-in-law are scary. Many are amazing, kind and their daughters-in-law’s biggest supporters. Some might just be misunderstood, or struggling to overcome their conditioning and make peace with their own less-than-happy domestic experiences. Open communication can often help smooth the differences, and other times, it’s relieving just to understand where they are coming from.

*Names have been changed to maintain anonymity