blob
Photo: Jason Leung
by Sara Hussain Discover
October 20, 2019

Meet Blob, every Indian parent’s dream child

With no mouth, eyes or brain, the “brainless slime” is still better than we’ll ever be

The Zoological Park of Paris has announced the debut of a mysterious unicellular organism, physarum polycephalum better known as a ‘Blob’. It’s everything Indian parents dreamed their child would be… other than its yellow slimy appearance that makes it look like a sentient haldi doodh. It’s a firm believer in self-care, with the ability to heal itself in a matter of minutes, parents will never need to worry about running out of Dettol. Blob doesn’t have a mouth so it’ll never judge papa’s polka-dotted party shirts, be a fussy eater or talk back when scolded about watching too much TV (Blob doesn’t have eyes).

It doesn’t have a brain so you’d think it wouldn’t be the brightest crayon in the box, but it can still learn ghar ke taur tarike and family gossip. And if you plan to have a second Blob, you can merge it with the first and it’ll transmit to the young one everything it has learnt so you won’t have to put in any extra effort. Best kind of co-parenting, right?

You’ll never have to worry about dropping them to tuition class in peak office traffic since they can move without legs, wings or fins at a speed of 1.6 inches per hour. It’s only a matter of time before Blob becomes everyone’s favourite in the family, earning you all the brownie points for sure.

Regarding Blob, Bruno David said what your parents have probably never said about you: “The blob is really one of the most extraordinary things on Earth today.”

It’s practically immortal, so it’ll always be there to look after you. And with 720 sexes, an option Shaadi.com doesn’t provide, you won’t have to worry about them getting married and moving away.

So kids, beware. Neighbouring Aunty’s class-topper son is no longer your main rival. There’s new competition in town.