The new adult milestones of 30-something Indian millennials
“Baccha nahin hua?!”
Even before a baby’s mundan (head-shaving) ceremony is complete, society creates a checklist of milestones one is supposed to hit at certain ages. Stable job, check. Parent-approved spouse, check. Dream home, check. Low EMI car loan, check. Though we keep hearing about these ‘adult milestones’, the list stays on the back burner through most of our late teens and 20s. “Bade ho kar karenge (we’ll do it when we’re older)”, we tell ourselves. Then you hit the big 3-0, and everyone around you starts to panic.
“Bechari, will she remain a spinster?” “Abhi tak baccha nahin hua (You still haven’t had a child?)?” Parents and family elders begin to badger you with endless questions and comparisons to Sonu maasi’s kids, buzzing around like persistent mosquitoes on a hot summer night.
The average millennial-of-privilege has been raised with quality education, a flexible outlook and more access to worldly experiences, to the point that we’re starting to rethink conventional adult milestones used by previous generations to assess the quality of their lives. Simultaneously, their crisis of raising independent thinkers who want to make their own decisions co-exists with the quarter-life crisis of 30-something millennials for whom the goalposts have shifted. Many of the defining moments of our parents’ lives are outdated or out of reach.
For Sreya Roy and Prashasthi Ullhar, 33-year-old advertising professionals based in Mumbai, moving out of your parent’s home (for work or studies) should be considered an adult milestone. Personally, the first time I felt I shed the ‘baccha‘ tag (though we never really grow up in our parents’ eyes) was when I bought a phone with my own money. A ₹10,000 smartphone with a camera quality akin to a first-gen webcam but, at age 23, I held it in my hands with pride. No more second or third-hand devices from my father or sister. I had hit my first ‘adult milestone’. Today, eight years later, that phone lives on as someone else’s second-hand device, which somehow sweetens this achievement.
Lately, my friends and I have been taking stock of what it means to be an adult. As most of us millennials inch closer to what is considered middle age (though there is some debate about what that age bracket is, one study places it between the ages 35 and 54, while other reports point to 38 as middle age), a midlife crisis doesn’t feel too far. In your 30s, the pressure to conform to societal norms reaches its peak. With each passing year, the weight of each decision grows heavier as the window of opportunity for achieving certain milestones narrows. For many, the decision of whether or not to have children becomes particularly fraught as fertility levels begin to decline.
Underneath the noise is a whisper urging you to find your happiness, passion and purpose. But what does that even mean? The quest for personal fulfilment takes on a new urgency in your 30s as you grapple with the realisation that time is not infinite. Our decisions have never been more consequential. Should I wait it out at a decently-paying job so I can pay off my loan, or risk switching career paths to try something new (as these women have done)? Society expects us to know who we are and what we want, but the path to self-discovery is riddled with uncertainty and self-doubt. Do I want children? Have I waited too long to decide and made my fertility journey more challenging than it needed to be? As you navigate the murky waters of adulthood, you find yourself questioning whether you’re on the right track or merely drifting aimlessly.
“My parents bought their first house when they were in their 30s. I don’t see myself being able to buy a house anytime soon. In this economy, with inflation and tax rates being what they are? But I know my parents will consider me ‘unsettled’ until that happens, even though my husband and I have good jobs, a happy three-year-old, and contentment in life from things other than my job,” says Bengaluru-based corporate lawyer Manpreet Singh, 37.
These predetermined life goals have been even more anxiety-inducing for single women in their 30s. “I haven’t hit any of these so-called adult milestones,” laughs Niharika Swaresh, a 39-year-old proofreader based in Gurugram. “No gaadi, bungala, bacche ya shaadi (no car, house, children or marriage). I never hear the end of it, but these aren’t my priorities right now. I can’t afford [them] either.” When asked how she measures her ‘adult achievements’, Swaresh replies that for her, it’s more about finding contentment in her job, travels, good health and relationships with friends and family.
Increasingly, 30-somethings share a feeling of camaraderie from the collective struggle of trying to define what adulthood means to them in an ever-evolving age. And while the milestones of previous generations are either impractical or obsolete for many of us, we’ve created some new ones.
What are the ‘adult milestones’ for millennials?
Community and belonging
“We may not be buying houses, but we’re making homes wherever we go. For us, it’s the community and sense of belonging in a place—friends, co-workers, neighbours, relatives—that matters. Creating this for myself made me feel like, ah, now I’m a grown-up.” — Aisha Khan, 39, cinematographer.
Financial security and independence
“My adult milestone was opening a demat account. I have a small, home-based business. I took some money from my husband to start off, but have now returned everything and I am financially independent.
I learnt everything from tutorials and articles, and slowly started investing in mutual funds and stocks. It’s all still at a small scale, but, I think, having personal financial security needs to be an adult milestone. I recently hit another one when my portfolio reached ₹3 lakh; for me, that’s a lot.” — Myna Desai, 34, home chef.
Body autonomy
“I froze my eggs. That’s my biggest adult move. As soon as I turned 30, there was pressure to have kids. But I wanted childbirth and motherhood to be a choice rather than a consequence of getting married. My husband and I are in the process of launching a new business. Who knows how long that will take us.
But I also have health issues that can compromise [my] fertility the older I get. The decision was my own. I had the money to do it, and much to both our families’ dismay, took the plunge last year.” — Priya Kapur, 31, entrepreneur.
Found family
“Everyone talks about how your family ends up being your ‘ride-or-die’ when things get rough. But my experience has been the opposite. I was shunned by my family for being queer and I made my own family out of friends and well-wishers.
Becoming an adult is realising that the bonds of blood can be broken. It’s never easy, for either party involved. But you can build new ones with friends and well-wishers with whom you can authentically be yourself. Now, whether my family comes around or not isn’t something that depresses me as much as it used to.” — Ritika*, 35, UI designer.
Workplace advocacy
“I know for my parents’ generation getting a job was a big milestone or celebration. But I feel that’s only one part of it nowadays. It’s not only about the job, but [also things like] choosing to leave a toxic work environment, or finding greener pastures and speaking up for yourself.
I work with a lot of men, and for me a huge step was advocating for myself at work to be taken seriously and getting credit when it was due. Also, putting myself forward for new projects with confidence (even if I was faking it).” — Leela Reddy, 38, architect.
Being a millennial can feel like you’re living out a choose-your-own-adventure book with no set path to follow. A generation that is often forced to zigzag through life with the skill of a pro basketball player, dodging shifting influences.
As Gen-Z and Alpha step up to become society’s new target demographic (sadly, everything is now a cropped-top), our millennial milestones will soon become old-fashioned. As the new generation increases its purchasing power from side hustles, small businesses and social media while still struggling with Trigonometry homework, buying a ₹10,000 phone will be crumbs compared to what they set out to achieve. Perhaps our expectations and pressures will trigger a similar generational crisis, and another writer will be questioning our adult milestones. Change can be intimidating, but it’s also what keeps things interesting.
*Name changed upon contributor’s request for anonymity.
