No, holding my newborn for the first time didn’t turn me into Mother India

“I felt nothing except for a tinge of anxiety; not because I had just had a baby, but because I felt nothing”

My birth story was not filmy. My gynaecologist cut through the seven layers of my numb pelvis and, before I knew it, held up a premature baby, expecting me to cry tears of joy. “Here’s your Taimur,” she said. “Please call my Babita in, I can’t,” I replied. Thereafter, I was shifted to the recovery room, where, while other postpartum mothers ‘slept like a baby’, I was shivering like a maniac, unable to sleep even for a nanosecond – failing the combined effect of anaesthesia and the painkillers administered sparingly. All this while trying hard to feel any kind of motherly emotion towards the little being I had just produced.

I wondered if my lack of emotion for my newborn was normal

From my mother to my distant chachis, mamis (aunts) and even the nurses, everyone was emotional – except me. Seeing my teary-eyed husband oozing ‘baapta’ (fatherly love) while I showed no signs of ‘mamta’ (motherly love) left me flummoxed. I felt nothing except for a tinge of anxiety; not because I had just had a baby, but because I felt nothing. This haunted me for weeks.

I did some digging to figure out whether this lack of emotion was normal. “Not all new mothers experience ‘love at first sight’ with their newborns. For some, bonding is a journey that can take weeks or months,” says Dr. Gauri Sushil Patil, a Mumbai-based integrative medicine expert for mental and physical health.

I also found a few studies online which stated that more than 20% of new parents don’t feel emotionally attached to their newborns.

But why don’t some of us instantly feel mamta?

Even instant noodles are not-so-instant, so what makes us think that all mothers will magically turn into Mother India the moment they hold their baby? Experts weigh in on various factors that can make falling in love with your baby as slow and steady as making dal bukhara.

Recovery phase

“Sometimes, the physical pain and exhaustion from childbirth can keep you from feeling that rush of happiness,” says Amrita T. Saraf, a paediatric sleep expert and maternal mental health activist from Mumbai. She adds that strong medication or an emergency detour from your expected birthing plan can also overwhelm you or make you emotionally numb postpartum.

Past experiences

According to Saraf, mothers who have experienced a difficult pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth, child loss or painful/traumatic childbirth in the past are more likely to feel distant or detached from their newborn.

Baby blues

After childbirth, the levels of oestrogen and progesterone, which are high during pregnancy, drop drastically. “This fluctuation can impact the postpartum brain chemistry, and cause mood swings and emotional instability, a condition known as baby blues,” explains Dr. Sandhya Bhardwaj, senior gynaecologist, DSB Clinic, Bhopal.

Postpartum depression

According to a study published in the Journal of Education and Health Promotion, ‘baby blues’ can become postpartum depression for one in seven women. “Postpartum depression results from a complex mix of physical, emotional and behavioural changes occurring after childbirth, linked to chemical, social and psychological changes. It can manifest as detachment from the baby along with feelings of extreme sadness, low energy, anxiety, changes in sleeping or eating patterns, bouts of crying and even suicidal tendencies,” explains Dr Umar Mushir, consultant psychiatrist and PPD expert at Apollomedics Super Speciality Hospital, Lucknow.

Pre-existing mental health issues

“If you have a history of mental health issues like depression and anxiety, you could feel overwhelmed and detached from your child, and are also more likely to experience postpartum depression,” says Bhardwaj.

The ‘matrescence’ theory

Welcome to the process of becoming a parent, aka the matrescence phase where, despite the prefix ‘ma’, you may not feel like one. A term originally coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the mid-1970s, it is used to describe the postpartum phase of motherhood where there’s a sense of breakdown, loss of identity or difficulty adjusting to the change. It may last for up to a year after childbirth.

Can it impact your mental health?

“The guilt and detachment can severely impact a mother’s mental health because she is already going through so many physical changes, getting used to the new life and struggling with body image issues,” says Saraf. “It can also make the mother feel lonely, ‘not good enough’ or ‘abnormal’, and affect her relationship with her partner and other family members,” she adds. Most importantly, feeling detached from the baby can trigger or aggravate postpartum depression. “Postpartum depression is more common in mothers who have delayed attachment with their newborns,” she warns.

How can you deal with the detachment phase?

Here are some expert-backed ways to overcome the postpartum detachment phase and form a bond with your baby:

Patience is key

Society expects women to be born ready for motherhood. This conditioning leads to unnecessary pressure and guilt. “It is important to be kind to yourself while accepting postpartum changes. You need to understand that in any relationship, we need time to establish a bond with a new person; your child is no different,” says Dr Patil.

Try KNC

Kangaroo natal care (KNC) was my gynaecologist’s ultimate fix for all my initial troubles, excluding gas. Usually employed for premature babies, the method involves placing the naked baby on the naked mother’s chest and wrapping them both in a blanket to help the baby feel warm and secure in the mother’s embrace. It also helps increase milk supply and encourages bonding.

Don’t lose yourself

It’s only when you’re happy can you establish a healthy bond or raise a happy child. Dr Mushir suggests taking some time off everyday to do the things you love – even if it’s just catching an episode of your favourite show or indulging in an elaborate nighttime skincare routine.

It’s okay to vent

“It is important to talk to your loved ones, seek their support and find a safe space to vent so you don’t feel lonely or frustrated. It can help you feel lighter and more equipped to go back to your mommy duties,” says Dr Patil. Pro tip: You’re never alone. There are many women going through exactly what you are postpartum. I joined a Whatsapp group of such mothers, which was active even for 3am panic attacks.

Ask for help

Unfortunately, there’s no medal for doing it all, mama. So ask your family members and partner to share the responsibility. Hire help if you can afford it. “When the basic responsibilities are taken care of, you have the mind space to actually bond with the baby,” says Dr Mushir.

Some emotional attachment is likely to kickstart within the first six to eight weeks, known as the postpartum phase. “If you don’t see yourself getting there at all and are facing symptoms like difficulty sleeping, anxiety, panic, sadness, fatigue and suicidal thoughts, you must consult with an expert and seek treatment,” he suggests.

Make time to exercise

While you’re not supposed to do anything drastic for six to eight weeks postpartum, doctor-approved slow walks and breathing exercises can help. “Not only can mild physical activity give you a much-needed oxytocin and endorphin boost, it will also calm your nerves, reduce stress and make you feel more energetic,” says Dr Patil.

These strategies can help you navigate the overwhelming stage of motherhood, here’s something we probably don’t give ourselves enough credit for: caring for the baby, making sure they’re warm, fed and safe despite the detachment. So if you’re dealing with the process of becoming a mother, you’re probably already doing what it takes.

A note of caution: This story is for educational purposes with inputs from trained experts. If you find yourself in crisis please seek assistance from your healthcare provider.