Why your adarsh balak could be the next toxic bro

The ‘good boy’ myth

Netflix’s widely acclaimed release, Adolescence, was made free to stream for school students across the UK, following a roundtable discussion convened by the British Prime Minister, who said it “hit home hard”. This is because Jamie, the series’ 13-year-old protagonist, could be any boy. The kind who comes from a regular family, speaks politely, does satisfactorily at school, and has fun with his friends. The kind no one would ever think to call a ‘troubled’ teen. But beneath this harmless exterior, many young boys are quietly absorbing dangerous ideas—about power, entitlement, and their place in the world.

Here in India, the 2020 ‘Bois Locker Room’ incident, where school boys from Delhi shared obscene images of underage girls and discussed sexual violence on a private Instagram group, was a similar (not to mention, real-life) reminder of how early misogyny can take root. The scandal was followed by much discourse on how young boys are being exposed to toxic ideas of masculinity; the Central Board of Secondary Education (CBSE) even issued a cyber safety handbook in response. But a key question remains, and is precisely what Adolescence successfully explores: why don’t we ever see it coming? How come we’re still missing that pivotal moment when a ‘good boy’ takes a turn towards toxic bro territory?

When good grades hide bad behaviour

We are conditioned to believe that troubled boys must look troubled—angry, isolated, rebellious. And that misogyny must look overtly aggressive to be concerning. We cannot comprehend how ‘good boys’, who are well-mannered or high-achieving, can be capable of harm. It causes cognitive dissonance which plays a key role in why we ‘miss’ the warning signs.

So, when we encounter troubling views from these good boys—like, calling a female classmate “a slut” for wearing shorts, or sharing a meme that jokes about sexual assault—it creates a psychological discomfort: if we allow ourselves to believe what we’re seeing, it will require us to question everything we assume about safety, upbringing, and the illusion of control. As a result, parents and teachers will often dismiss it as a phase or an edgy joke, refusing to admit just how thin the line between innocence and harm is.

There is a systemic reason for this blindness, too. Parents and educational institutions often prize academic performance and achievement over emotional equilibrium. “There is a constant tension of aspirations between the teachers and parents,” says Sukanya Banerjee, a strategic advisor and consultant in the education sector. “I’ve heard parents say, ‘What are we paying for if my kid is not going to score?’ or ‘What’s the point of putting my child in an expensive school if he’s not going to top the class?’” She adds that a lot of times in schools, teachers’ performances reviews—and their appraisals—are gauged by their students’ academic performance, so there’s a lot riding on a child scoring.

“Academic pressure is a big thing,” agrees Uttarakhand-based Varsha Das, the mother of a five-year-old boy. “There are so many extra things going on, too—phonics, dance, skating… there’s a sense of competition everywhere.” This avoidance—combined with the kids’ easy access to toxic online spaces—makes them easy targets for emotional manipulation.

The online-offline loop of toxicity

In India, where hierarchical ideas of masculinity are not only entrenched but celebrated, boys learn what it means to “be a man” before they even get online. Banerjee emphasises that kids learn through the values observed by adults around them. A father who never apologises, a coach who rewards aggression over teamwork, a teacher who dismisses tears with a scoff—these figures in a boy’s life define what strength looks like long before any online influencer.

Add to this, the fact that many parents and schools are still unfamiliar with the digital landscape, it creates the perfect conditions for warning signs to go missed such as extreme rhetoric masked as ‘dark humour,’ influencers promoting regressive ideals, or the appeal of online brotherhoods offering a sense of belonging. A 2023 UK study, for example, found that one in six boys aged between six and 15 have a positive view of anti-feminist ‘manfluencer’ Andrew Tate.

Back home, the rise of the manosphere (digital communities promoting male supremacy)—fuelled by influencers like Elvish Yadav and Samay Raina—is just a reiteration of mainstream sexist ideologies. They do not raise the alarm in any serious way. Social media algorithms then supercharge this influence by pushing young men toward increasingly radical content.

Catching boys before they fall

Cautionary tales like Adolescence can send adults into a frenzy trying to restrict and monitor young boys’ online and offline movement. But experts suggest the opposite is what is needed—boys need more space, more dialogue, and more mutual trust to build ideological immunity:

Be aware of the warning signs: Studies suggest early signs include increased isolation, growing admiration for authoritarian figures, and the use of conspiracy-laden language—like, “The matrix is out to get men,” and “Feminism ruined society.” Other signs include an increasing amount of time spent in the manosphere corresponding with a growth in rigid gender attitudes and reduced empathy—that might take the form of declaring men’s superiority to women (“she should feel lucky he even looked at her”) or speaking of women with distrust (“Girls will do anything for attention”).

Model desired behaviour: : Boys need positive male role models who show that strength can look like softness, too. Banerjee says she helps teachers model safe, open dialogue in the classroom. “If they’re not troubled when students question their work, their mindset, their quality of education, and so on—then it allows children to practise the same,” she explains.

Parents like Das, are doing what they can, too. “We tell him how it’s okay to feel things, to show emotions, and how empathy and sensitivity are more important than anything else,” she says. “There are many contradictory examples in society, so it’s a challenge, but the only way is to keep having these conversations,” Das adds. Pointing young boys towards popular and aspirational public figures like Virat Kohli or comedian Zakir Khan, who advocate for gender equality and emotional connection and vulnerability, can help set them on a positive path, too.

Create new avenues for safe expression: Art offers a language for the emotions boys are never taught to articulate. A boy who cannot name his grief can paint it or act it out. Vandana Asha, an arts-based educator working with rural adolescents, describes how creative expression fosters self-reflection, empathy, and critical thinking. It teaches boys to communicate, collaborate, and most importantly, to feel.

Online surveillance, but with respect

While this must be an ongoing effort, Shubham Singh, a cybersecurity expert, suggests immediate measures parents and schools can take to keep them safe online:

Encourage open discussions about online experiences rather than imposing restrictive measures.

Use parental control tools to track content trends without invasive surveillance

Promote media literacy and develop digital wellness programs to educate children on ethical online behaviour, privacy risks, and algorithmic biases.

Implement AI-powered monitoring solutions that detect harmful content patterns without accessing private messages.

“Balancing online safety with privacy is crucial,” says Singh. Research shows that privacy fosters trust, but when safety measures feel intrusive, teens often retreat further into secrecy, increasing their exposure to harmful content.

The failure to identify troubled boys isn’t just about missing the signs—it’s rooted in how we’ve been taught to see them. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. By learning to notice the cracks early and creating space for boys to express vulnerability, we can raise a generation of boys who not only reject harmful beliefs, but actively choose empathy, respect, and accountability. We can help good boys like Jamie stay on the path to becoming good men.