10 relationship tips that the world's most respected couples believe in
Michelle Obama, Sudha Murty and more want you to know the truth
Relationship tips are probably the most widely circulated vishesh tippani after homemade coronavirus cures. From Mrs Mirza sitting next to you at the parlour and your mother’s third cousin who dabbles in astrology to your trusted girl gang, the list of available agony aunts is endless.
But after a heated argument with your partner or on days you decide to debone your relationship while indulging in your favourite hobby – overthinking – you might realise that “Take it as it comes”, “Beta, Mercury is in retrograde” and “Just dump him, girl” in no way help you realise why your relationship has been feeling out of sorts, and how you can work on it.
Mummy is never going to be brutal with her relationship tips because of the fear of hurting you. Your best friend will also be wary because, what if you tell your partner what she said once you reconcile. Given these circumstances, we’ve done the heavy lifting, tracking down experts who have been there, lived that.
These are the relationship tips in the form of tough love you didn’t know you needed, from women who have broken through the highest echelons of success while building lasting personal connections. Use their unbeatable relationship tips to navigate through that maze of emotions.
Scroll down to see what Sudha Murty, Michelle Obama, Indra Nooyi and more have to say about making relationships work.
Relationship tips you didn’t know you needed
You don’t want a weak player on your team
Michelle Obama wants you to treat your relationship like a sport. And no, we aren’t talking about twinning in matching jerseys or greeting each other with chest bumps.
Think about picking a partner like you would pick a teammate in sports. “If we are going to win this game, then he (Barack Obama) has to be strong and he has to be okay with me being strong. I do not want a weak player on my team and nor does he,” says the former first lady of the United States of America.
Your partner should want to be the best version of themselves, and should push you to be the best version of yourself. Even if that means parts of your journey together will feature a tough, uphill climb, requiring commitment, stamina and teamwork.
“Be wary of a partner who wants to be with an easy person. An easy person who is not going to force them to grow, who is not going to expect them to change, who is not going to hold them accountable,” she explains.
An engaged and satisfied me equals a happy we
Reinvent to stay content is screenplay writer and producer Sutapa Sikdar’s mantra to having a happy relationship. “Forget husband and wife, if every individual keeps reinventing, then any relationship will go in a positive direction,” says Sikdar. After losing her husband, actor Irrfan, to cancer, the Qarib Qarib Single producer has emerged as a lyrical sage to many who look to their long-term partnership for inspiration.
Allowing yourself to grow and evolve as an individual keeps relationships interesting and lively, even after decades of being together. Your partner will always have something new to learn about you, and that is one of the most attractive and sustaining qualities in a marriage.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them
This is one venting session that we could give up coffee to be a part of.
Revered poet Maya Angelou and host, actor, author, producer and philanthropist Oprah Winfrey shared a very special bond, and it was during a girl’s night that Winfrey believes she got the best and most honest relationship advice from her late mentor.
Winfrey found herself venting about a relationship gone sour, and all Angelou said was, “When people show you who they are, believe them. You can’t blame him, he told you and showed you exactly who he was. Why did you expect better?”
If your partner demonstrates their character through their actions or words, believe them. And then, reorganise your expectations so you don’t set yourself up for repeated disappointment.
If you know from habit that they will never put the towel out to dry, and are okay with it, then you can carry on with life as it is. But if you constantly expect them to be mindful of how the damp towel is going to make your new block-printed bedcover bleed, then you will be left feeling disappointed, and googling DIY hacks to salvage your bedspread.
Romance has been scheduled for 2100 hrs
Along with your laptop battery and snack supply, there’s another aspect of your life that the pandemic has drained: romance. Many of the women on our Instagram and Facebook community Tweak Connect feel that being under house arrest has taken a massive toll on their love lives. When the spark fizzles out, you tend to feel undesirable, lonely and confused.
“People think that romantic interludes will be spontaneous. But you don’t think like that about dating. You plan a date, you take someone somewhere nice, you set up the romantic situation,” explains Canadian clinical psychologist and author Jordan B. Peterson.
Just like your newfound love for sewing, romance too needs practice till you perfect it. “The spontaneity will come once you are practiced. Maybe it is a little stilted to begin with, but it’s worth it. If you’re married for 50 years, then who cares about the one year you put into building the romance,” adds Peterson.
Be(y) independent and own it
Queen Bey might’ve asked you to put a ring on it if you like it, but not before you are independent, and unapologetically so.
“I’ve seen, growing up, when a woman or a man in a relationship doesn’t feel confident, they feel a bit trapped,” says the singer emphasising on working towards recognising your self-worth, and being comfortable in your own skin before deciding to get involved in a serious relationship.
Finding yourself is something you have to do all on your own, and knowing exactly what you stand for only helps you work on aspects of the relationship that truly matter – “I was independent before I met my husband, and we have such a natural chemistry and a genuine relationship, and it’s based on the things that relationships are supposed to be based on,” she adds.
Different does not equal bad
Space is the answer to doing away with the recurring feeling you have to escape to the moon and away from your partner.
And not just time apart, but also using that time to pursue your individual passions and work towards your goals.
Entrepreneur, author, and activist Sudha Murty believes that being confident and comfortable enough with your partner to pursue separate passions without having to force the other person to participate is key to her happy marriage.
While sharing relationship tips from her own partnership with Narayan Murthy, she says “You can be different and still be together. Like I always say – opposites attract. For instance, I love watching movies but I never ask my husband to watch them with me because I don’t want to spoil my experience by watching the movie with someone who is feeling uncomfortable the entire time.”
It’s okay to say the M-word
This year has been like a rollercoaster ride gone rogue. Every time we feel like we might finally be in control, life threatens to topple over like a Jenga tower.
“Things that are not in our control give us anxiety, but once we talk about these fears, we feel in control, which help us manage our fears,” explains psychologist Prerna Kohli, encouraging couples to openly discuss money and financial health with each other.
Creating money goals, asking each other “What if” questions pertaining to your individual or shared finances, and having a clear channel of communication with respect to money is a good place to start.
Concern about your financial health is the cause of sleepless nights, especially in the current job market. Use this stress productively and plan for a secure future, instead of letting it take a toll on your relationship.
And to everyone who says “but discussing money in relationships is too tacky,” all you need to do is smile, nod, and then put down a reminder to send them pictures from your luxurious romantic getaway that you could afford, all thanks to planning your finances with your partner.
Chiseled abs and core strength is great, but what about core values?
Looks like you might have to rework your list of prerequisites, and replace chiseled jawline and upper body strength with a sharp mind and strong set of values.
“The durability and strength of your relationship is not going to come from your partner’s looks or personality. It is going to come from their character, so remember to look well beneath the surface. A lot of what I am today is a function of the life partner I was lucky to have alongside my journey. We have very similar core values,” says economist and banker Shikha Sharma, while talking about her relationship with husband Sanjaya Sharma.
A similar set of values ensures that you have shared goals, and a partnership that is mutually beneficial.
Leave the crown in the garage
Indra Nooyi, former chairman and chief executive officer of PepsiCo, is the personification of the boss lady tag. But Nooyi’s relationship tips — learnt from her mother — are different from what you’d expect.
“High-profile jobs make you feel like you have a crown on. But to make a relationship work, you have to leave the crown in the garage,” explains Nooyi.
Having said that, prying the crown off your head is not necessarily easy, admits Nooyi – “Checking your ego or leaving your professional identity at your front door can be uncomfortable. But we all have to develop adaptation strategies, because if we don’t, we’re going to start feeling resentful or angry with whatever is happening around us,” she adds.
Revisit the expectation station
Esther Perel is a celebrated psychotherapist, and also a licensed marriage and family therapist. Her podcast Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel is what many describe as being so helpful and refreshing that it feels like stepping into a therapy session.
From all her relationship tips, the advice that particularly stuck with us was about expecting your partner to fulfil a multitude of often-conflicting roles.
Best friend, lover, confidante, fashion police, support system, mentor, midnight snack buddy, and designated cuddle giver – these might look good on an Instagram caption to celebrate your first anniversary, but they’re setting both parties up for failure in the real world.
“How is it reasonable to expect one person to be your mysterious lover but at the same time, want them to tell you every little thing about them? The expectations of one person to satisfy all of our many emotional, physical, and spiritual needs is a tall order for one individual.
Perhaps, instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions. As a reminder, there are no perfect stories.”