Do I tell my friend her husband’s flirting with me? #AskingForAFriend

Flirting is considered good for health, open relationships are commonplace and ‘ethical non-monogamy‘ is a legit phenomenon. As Gen Z redefines all things love, and changes the relationship and dating landscape, some things remain constant. Like being on the receiving end of untoward declarations of romance and sexual commentary. And when it arrives from a close friend’s husband, all modern relationship lingo is flushed down the drain. You find yourself swinging like a pendulum between upholding the girl code and processing this situation, confused about whether to bring up the incident with someone or resolve it on your own. Is there even a right way to tell your friend her husband’s flirting with you?

This was one Tweak reader’s dilemma as she experienced unwanted romantic attention from a friend’s husband when their partners were not around. To get some answers, she turned to us via Instagram as part of our Asking for a Friend series, where the Tweak community shares their take on real-life issues. We then enlisted the help of mental health experts to give us added insights.

Asking for a friend: “I am sure many women have had this experience and had to pretend it never happened or have found excuses to avoid the person altogether—when a close friend’s husband makes a pass, comments with sexual undertones, or blatantly exposes their feelings when your partner is not nearby.

I am grappling with what to do and how to handle myself the next time I meet him. I would like to sit him down, as he is a good friend, and ask him to stop making such comments.

At the same time, he has a very strong relationship with his wife (my friend) and they talk about their strong bond frequently. How do I bring this up in front of them?”

Expert speak

Lucknow-based trauma-focused relationship therapist Prachi Saxena says that in a situation like this, a three-pronged approach works best. First, speaking to your partner about the incident, stating your intention of upholding your personal boundaries and seeking their support. “Clear, factual, non-blaming language conveys messages to men very well. Men don’t respond well to emotion-laden language, and it tends to take the focus away from the important point,” Saxena says.

Once your partner is informed, you can then confront the husband who made a pass at you, conveying your discomfort and reiterating your boundaries. Saxena emphasises using assertive but non-aggressive body language as it delivers the message more effectively. Once you’ve done this, the next step is to speak to the wife, your friend. Saxena says you must be clear and transparent about reporting the incident to her out of concern. Mention all the details, how you feel about it, and the action you’ve taken to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Take a moment to acknowledge that it must not be easy for her to hear this, and that you are available for support. “Remember, she is not the enemy here, even if she doesn’t believe you. Most women with wandering husbands are emotionally manipulated so they only see the side of their husband that he shows them,” Saxena explains.

Mumbai-based trauma therapist Rhea Kishnani stresses the importance of prioritising your own protection in this situation, especially when you’re getting ready to broach this topic with your friend, the wife. “When we are deeply traumatised by something, to talk about it requires a degree of psychological and emotional preparedness. Now, whether you do that individually, in counselling with a therapist, or with another friend, that preparedness is really important. It’s not just a matter of pushing yourself to have a conversation that your body might not be able to support in that moment,” explains Kishnani. She also recommends preparing for a situation where the wife might dismiss the incident, gaslight you or invalidate your feelings, or accuse you of flirting with the husband. To ensure you don’t feel further violated, anticipate how you’d react in that situation, stand your ground and articulate your point of view.

Tweak Tribe’s thoughts:

Meghna Sckerl: “Talk to your husband about this and see if you can make a workable plan on how to deal with this together. I would then ask the other guy directly—something on the lines of: ‘Sorry, are you flirting with me? Because it’s making me very uncomfortable and puts me in a difficult position.’ Or ignore his overtures and eventually he’ll get the message. If you have a really solid relationship with the friend, then I wouldn’t hesitate bringing up the topic as well: “Xx seems to be really flirty, even with me, are you ok with this?”

Leena Kulkarni: “As I understand it, your dilemma is to not hurt the wife, who is your friend too, and in the process become the reason for wedging a crack in their ‘strong’ bond of marriage. Well, people who swear about having strong bonds and relationships with their spouses in all likelihood could be simply imagining it, stating it loudly doesn’t mean that it is always the case. Maybe your revelation will serve as a reality check for your friend? So stand for yourself and handle the guy based on how you would like to deal [with the situation] without any fear of what impact his marriage with your friend will have.”

Princess Siggy: “Laugh loudly and say to him and the world in general, how he is jokingly flirting with you and make sure his wife hears that. He won’t try it again as his wife will pick up on it and so will your husband. Do it every time it happens, everyone will get the message. If you lose your friend, then she wasn’t your friend to begin with. Let her go if she wants to.”

Thankam Kuttikat: “Draw a thick line and do not let anyone cross that, I would say. Let your husband know about it and completely ignore the other person.”

RS: “I’ve actually had this happen to me and the guy’s wife is a good friend of mine. I just ignored him and he stopped after a few tries. He didn’t approach directly for me to just say no. He was being subtle and persistent. I ignored. If he was direct I would’ve just directly said no. He and his wife seem like the ideal couple too, so one can never tell with men. Once I started ignoring the messages he stopped, and now things are the way they always were. I feel if I told his wife then she would not speak to me, or things won’t be same and she will become defensive, she clearly depends on him and he will convince her that he wasn’t [flirting], and they’ll be fine together no matter what and I’ll be in the middle of this for nothing.”

Kritika Misra: “Cook up a story on how you got someone fired at work for passing lewd remarks.”

If you would like the Tweak Tribe to help you with your dilemmas, reach out to us via DM on Instagram.