Your guide to feeling sexier, even if you've been sweating on the metro all day

Let the experts be your guide

A gentle graze along your arm. A dapper, well-fitted suit or high heels and blood-red lipstick. Dirty talk and handcuffs. Hrithik Roshan’s bronzed-up body in War, besharam rang-ed Deepika Padukone, and men fondling and spanking (borderline uncomfortably) ingredients on food reels. What people find sexy is as diverse as our recipes for biryani. We’re happy to rattle off our preferences to our girl gang, but when it comes to feeling sexier ourselves, we’re stumped.

Feeling sexy is like when your confidence does a happy dance and your inner Beyoncé comes out to slay. It’s the extra sprinkle on a cupcake – that irresistible, magnetic quality that makes you feel confident, sensual and alluring.

“Nowadays, many women come to my clinic wondering how to feel sexy again. I tell them that sexy is not about societal standards, but instead, it’s about cultivating self-confidence and embracing the allure that comes with experience and maturity,” says Dr Kalpana Erande, a sexologist with a coto community called Care for Couples. “Instead of chasing an elusive standard of perfection, focus on accepting and appreciating your body and the beauty of every curve and line.”

But she knows that it’s easier said than done. Feeling confident and sexy isn’t a static state of mind; it’s more like trying to catch a butterfly—it flutters in and out of our lives, teasing us with its presence. Embracing ourselves, building this confidence, flaws and all, is a journey, not a destination marked on Google Maps.

After childbirth, a health scare, body changes, age or just a spontaneous moment of self-doubt, there aren’t enough fingers in the world to count how many times women have asked themselves, “Am I still sexy? Was I ever sexy?”

But as the experts we spoke to will tell you, sexy is a state of mind. Feeling sexier is about owning your uniqueness, building your confidence like it’s a muscle and self-assuredness. It’s different for everyone, encompassing various aspects like personality, style, emotional intelligence, sensuality, and how comfortable one feels in one’s skin.

Ultimately, it’s that inner spark that makes you feel utterly fantastic, whether you’re rocking the kurta set you swiped from your sister (we have some options for you) or dressed to the nines in a power suit.

Along with Erande, we spoke to ​​Apurupa Vatsalya, sexuality educator, content creator, and programme officer for sexual and reproductive health, rights, and justice at The YP Foundation, Chitkala Mulye, an ICF-certified relationship and intimacy coach with the ‘Happy Relationships’ coto community and psychologist, and intimacy coach Puravi Seth. Here are the easy-to-do and practical tips for feeling sexier if you’ve lost your zing (or seeking it out for the first time).

The expert-approved guide to feeling sexier

Engage in everything sexy

Hit play on movies and shows that make you feel like the main, sexy character. Crank up tunes that make you move, shaking off any inhibitions. Dive back into that sizzling passage from your favourite spicy book (or pick from one of these).

It’s not only about arousal, but doing this taps into something pretty primal in us, says Seth. “Usually, when we hear things like this, we do the dance or enact the scenes in our head, but let yourself go in real life as well. Mixed in with the arousal we feel, there’s also a self-confidence boost.”

Touch yourself

It can be something that’s part of your self-care ritual, like taking your sweet time to apply body lotion all over yourself. It’s about getting in touch with your physical self, appreciating and experiencing it all. Vatsalya calls this sensual play “discovering what feels good to you in a relaxed and private setting.”

She breaks it down into:

Mindful touch: Gently explore your body with your hands, feeling the different sensations.

Self-massage: Use lotion or oil to massage yourself, paying attention to how it feels.

Bath time: Use this private time for relaxation and exploring what feels good in a warm, comfortable setting.

Mirror work: Look at yourself in the mirror, focusing on what you love about your body.

You can also take it to the next level with self-pleasure or masturbation (If you don’t know where to start, then see our guide).

Put on your fancy lingerie

Buying so-called sexy lingerie can be intimidating (we’ve been there), especially when you’ve internalised that it’s not ‘meant’ for your body type after seeing the hairless, bean-stalk-legged models in the advertisements. But lingerie is for everyone, especially sexy, delicate, lacey lingerie.

These are often the ‘good’ pieces we set aside, maybe hide under a stack of everyday panties for ‘special occasions’. Make yourself a special occasion. Put it on like a suit of self-confidence, and give yourself a serious mental boost.

Professor Karen Pine, professor emeritus at the University of Hertfordshire, England, who specialises in fashion and developmental psychology, said in her book Mind What You Wear, “The right clothing can change who we are, how we think and how we feel. So we should never underestimate this power.”

And it doesn’t need to be the sheer bras or corsets from the get-go. Seth says it’s about the small steps towards building confidence, like switching from block colours to bolder prints and colours. “There should be a change, however small, that gives that feeling of renewal, but visually, it can be anything from switching from a kaftan to a satin nightie; it can still be full-length. The focus should be on how it makes you feel.”

Channel your inner writer

Budding authors can think of this as a writing exercise. Seth recommends not only reading more erotica (we have some recommendations for feminist erotica) but also trying your hand at writing your own.

“By reading erotica readers can figure out different forms of intimacy and the expression of it. Writing it yourself gives you a sense of power. You control the narrative. So, let your creative juices flow.”

She says if you’re unsure where to start, forget about the narrative and write out only the sex scenes. “Get into the details of it all.” If you’re still struggling, you can check out this helpful guide that Jericho Writers, an editorial consultancy group, put together.

Put your health on priority

For many, exercise and diet can be more of a punishment than a stress-buster. But don’t look at it in terms of appearances, be it weight loss or weight gain, but also for a positive mindset and boosting your confidence with that rush of post-workout endorphins, says Erande.

A proper diet and body movement, in any way you choose, is also a form of self-care. When you look after your body and health, you tell yourself you’re worth the time, care and effort. You get more comfortable in your skin, no matter what it looks like, and that confidence will definitely leave you feeling sexier.

Try a new look

Maybe you need a refresher or a fresh start altogether. Put on that jumpsuit and heels you’ve been saving for a big event. Take yourself for a pampering session and indulge in a manicure or a hair spa, maybe even get a massage.

It’s still you, but a different look can help you see yourself with fresh eyes. “Truth is that over time, we stop putting as much effort into how we look. With house responsibilities, family commitments, work and kids, women have little time left for themselves,” says Seth.

We start seeing ourselves as our roles – mother, daughter-in-law, wife, boss or employee – rather than our sense of self and personality. Those get lost somewhere “in our guilt over spending money on things like this. But when you see yourself looking good, you’ll feel good, and the sensuality will come naturally,” adds Seth.

If you’ve gone through a major bodily change, such as pregnancy and childbirth, or weight loss or gain, then another change can sound intimidating. “Often these changes are out of our control, so we panic and go into freeze mode. We don’t want to change anything else. But think of it as reclaiming control and becoming a new version of yourself. Slight variations, nothing that pushes you out of your comfort zone and off a cliff.”

You can also start with something smaller, like going for a pedicure and asking for the intimidating red nail polish you’ve had your eye on instead of your standard nude.

A bigger step, she says, is your hair. Something so intrinsic to our identity and sense of self that ‘new hair, new me’ is an emotional journey and impacts how we view ourselves. “Moms often get the ‘mom cut’, chopping off their locks so there’s nothing for their baby to yank out. You’ve sacrificed your length for something safe and convenient (that doesn’t need as much washing in this new hectic baby schedule), but perhaps try a different colour. Something that’s a shade or two lighter or darker can have a bigger impact than you think.”

Fake it till you make it

Ever wish you were Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’s Ms Braganza (ah-ha!) with a room full of fawning youngsters or Angelina Jolie in Mr & Mrs Smith? If you can’t do it, then fake it.

Pretend to be them, says Seth, and get out of your head, even if it’s for a few brief moments. Next time you’re having some personal, intimate time or are being joined by a partner and are not feeling yourself, emulate your favourite sexy lady, do some role play and see yourself transform. Even if you’re solo in front of a mirror.

This journey of self-discovery isn’t just about feeling sexier—it’s about embracing a newfound confidence, exuding an irresistible allure that’s authentically yours.