How I fell out of the wrong kind of love

At fifteen, I realised that I had fallen in love. Two years later, after numerous boring dates, constantly being led on and a partner who vanished for days on end, my family and friends realised that I was in trouble. Despite being advised to leave him, I didn’t know what to do because, well, while everyone talks about falling in love, no one ever talks about how to fall out of it.

We’ve always been conditioned to never give up on love, to never give up on our partners even when things get difficult – but what’s the threshold? How long is it okay to suffer? Maybe the struggle to let it go is because of the fear of being alone or the hope that things will magically change. For years, Bollywood has bombarded us with love at first sight, grand gestures and happily-ever-afters that leave us chasing butterflies over real connections. Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani’s Naina and Bunny were some of my favourite on-screen couples I grew up watching. With time and some dating experience, I realised that there is no Bunny-Naina in real life, everyone has different priorities, and that it’s more important to learn how to ‘unlove’ people than force something to work at the risk of your mental health. Here’s how we can start identifying unhealthy patterns before getting swept away, ultimately helping us gain the courage to leave when needed.

The “wrong kind of love” isn’t a minor disagreement or a temporary rough patch. It’s a relationship that feels unbalanced, unsupportive or even detrimental to your well-being. According to Dr Prachi Saxena, clinical psychologist and co-founder of The Emotional Wellness Initiatives, “This would be love that hurts, love that makes you think less of yourself and lose parts of yourself. Healthy love is not supposed to plunge you into self-doubt and sleepless nights.” At the end of the day, a relationship that leaves you feeling drained, unsupported or diminished isn’t love – it’s a burden.

Identifying red flags early on

The best way to identify a red-flag relationship is to recognise when you feel like you have to “earn” love or prove yourself worthy. Being constantly drawn to someone who makes you unhappy may be a sign of underlying subconscious conflict, not genuine love.

The biggest red flag in my previous relationship wasn’t an angry young man or a dramatic blowout. It was the fact that he made to feel invisible constantly. Whether I was excited about an achievement or giddy with happiness about an upcoming event, my former partner could never reciprocate. I chased his validation in an attempt to be seen; I craved recognition, but it rarely came. It didn’t feel like my joys and accomplishments mattered or were worth sharing.

According to Saxena, a need to diminish your accomplishments can be a power play. A few other red flags to look out for are disrespect, sarcasm (often an attempt to disguise contempt), power games and shame (when you are constantly attacked for who you are, even if it is as a joke).

Breaking free from unhealthy attachments

Struggling to detach from a love that isn’t reciprocated or healthy is a challenge thousands face, including myself. Constantly feeling the need to prove yourself worthy or endure pain isn’t worth it. Ask yourself questions like, “Why do I accept this half-hearted love? What makes me believe this is the best I can get?”

Archana Singhal, co-founder of Mindwell Counsel based in Delhi, says, “Set healthy boundaries by knowing what you’re comfortable with and communicating them to your partner. This means saying no when you need to and not letting anyone treat you badly. It’s important to stand up for yourself.”

Establishing boundaries is ultimately easier said than done. But taking baby steps like being honest about your feelings, even when it’s scary, and prioritising activities that make you feel good can help you break free from unhealthy attachments.

How to let go and heal

Our brains crave stability, so we tend to cling to it even when an unhealthy relationship feels familiar. This “comfort trap” makes it difficult to leave, and it doesn’t matter if we’re unhappy. Additionally, we invest time, energy and emotions into our relationships. Letting go can feel like admitting defeat or wasting those precious resources. According to Saxena, low self-worth is another reason we keep holding onto the wrong kind of love. If we don’t believe we deserve better or have poor self-esteem, it’s easy to settle for less. We may convince ourselves that unhealthy behaviour is normal or that this is the best we can get.

To cope with the emotional fallout after leaving a “wrong kind of love” relationship, Singhal suggests activities that involve a self-discovery journey. These could be anything from reconnecting with old friends to finally taking that pottery class you’ve always wanted to or just writing your feelings down in a diary.

When I was dealing with learning to let go, a very dear person in my life told me, “Your life doesn’t end here. There’s so much more you haven’t experienced yet.” This is something that stayed with me and helped me accept the situation more openly. It’s important to learn how to unlove, but it’s also important to stay hopeful.

The truth is, unloving isn’t a weakness or something to feel ashamed about – it’s a strength. It’s about recognising when a relationship is not supporting your well-being. It’s about choosing to walk away from a situation that no longer serves you, even if it’s uncomfortable, and taking control of your own happiness.