Would you rather catch a cold or feelings for a friend?
Will you be the next Monica & Chandler?
I had my first crush when I was 10. My best friend, with his caramel brown eyes, spikey hair and charming smile, was a goofball who could win anyone over, including me. Whether it was a 10-year-old’s version of love or a silly side effect of a game of Truth Or Dare that we played is a mystery the Bobby Jasoos in me is yet to uncover. 16 years later, the hangover of those feelings still sits in a corner of my mind, as we continue to remain the best of friends. It rears its head from time to time to beg the question — ‘will we, won’t we?’
25-year-old firearms permit officer Radhika Sahana didn’t hold back, unlike me, when she realised her best friend meant more to her than just a ‘coffee and long drive’ pal. She met her now partner, Kush Patel, in school. There were sparks, but it was less romantic and more the chingaaris (sparks) of irritation. Their bond grew over the years and climaxed into a relationship right before Sahana was relocating to New Zealand. Patel moved to another hemisphere to be with her. Now, in their seventh year of dating and living together, she can’t imagine being with anyone else. “The best part of our relationship is that the friendship is at the core. We’re not overtly romantic, we banter and roast each other. I’m the lucky one who gets to take her best friend home every day and can spend 24/7 with him,” she says.
Hyderabad-based Misha Sanghvi*, who began dating her guy best friend after walking on ‘I love him, I love him not’ eggshells for a long time, says, “There’s a sense of safety because you’ve known the person for so long, so there’s some level of trust that you won’t be harmed in any way.”
Therapists agree that a friends-to-lovers romance may mean skipping the usual dress-and-talk-to-impress steps that we all try to brave like a hurricane. “Since you have known each other for a long time, you may have already seen each other at your best and worst. This can create a deep level of trust and understanding that can be hard to find in new relationships. You don’t have to question their intentions or worry about being vulnerable with them, because you’ve already established that level of trust,” says therapist Sal Raichbach.
This friends-to-lovers romance could be the ideal scenario. The kind we swoon over in our favourite romance books. But as dreamy as it sounds, the stakes here are higher than a Mumbai skyscraper. And sometimes, it does not work out, ending what could have been a beautiful life-long friendship. We spoke to those who experienced this flipside of the fairytale and a few experts to help us navigate the potentially murky waters of falling for your friend, especially in cases of unrequited love.
The other side of a friends-to-lovers romance
One-sided feelings sunk my friendship: is it break-up time?
The friendship exploded when 35-year-old Indore-based* Geetanjali Iyer* told her friend she had feelings for him. They lived in the same society and met socially, bonding over their shared love for basketball. Iyer and he grew closer as they went from their thundering teens to complex young adults. When the chemistry came to a simmer and threatened to boil over for Iyer, she confessed her feelings, only to be met with a hard ‘no’. “The aftermath was not good. I had to take some time off to process this, I left my city to avoid seeing him socially. Talking it out also helped and, luckily, I could confide in my mom. I’m married now but I still have those feelings — they’re not as strong but they’re there, and I can’t deny them.”
Regardless of the outcome, expressing your feelings can sometimes be cathartic. Finally shedding the weight of a possible romance between you and a friend can help you move on. Even if it doesn’t feel like it now, it will either become a funny memory in a few years or will pinch a little less with each passing year.
26-year-old Mumbai-based event planner Naina Talwar* met the object of her affection at a mutual friend’s party. They hit it off as friends and, after months of talking on the phone, spending time together, and a few kisses here and there, Talwar’s feelings took shape and solidified. But she was unsure if her potential partner felt the same. “Initially, I told myself that he didn’t feel anything so it’s best to keep quiet and keep the friendship alive. But eventually, I couldn’t hide it anymore. I didn’t want the regret of not trying,” she says. Even though her feelings weren’t reciprocated, the confession relieved Talwar from the emotional stress of keeping it all to herself. “I’m taking some space from him so that I can heal.”
The expert take
Meerut-based psychiatrist and mental health expert Dr Rashi Agarwal says that the rejection may hurt, but we need to come to terms with the fact that it’s not a ‘you’ problem’ and most likely a matter of preference. Perhaps they view you as the friend they love to eat chaat with on a rainy day, and that’s all. There are different kinds of relationships, friendships and love connections, and this one is just not it for you. It’s not your fault; even if you think about changing aspects of yourself to match what you think they want, the result could be the same. And you run the risk of losing yourself.
Mumbai-based trauma psychotherapist Rhea Kishnani opines that understanding what one needs to heal in a situation like this is crucial to processing and moving past these feelings. In the fall-out, what do you want the outcome to be? “It determines if they wish to transition back to a friendship, go their separate ways and revisit this topic, or go no contact. It is important to identify and feel the emotions you feel at this point to take an informed next step.”
You may be a compartmentalisation wiz, expertly separating your romantic feelings from the friendship and the subsequent rejection, in which case, we’re in awe. But, prioritising yourself for some time and keeping the communication to the minimum will ensure you’re allowing yourself to feel the full weight of the situation and process it in a healthy manner.
I’m swallowing my feelings to save our (friend) ship
A romance between you and the friend you keep dreaming of may feel like khichdi and aam ka achaar (mango pickle) — comforting and spicy, but if you have decided to keep your hunger for this under lock and key, you should consider a few things. Baroda-based* Disha Mittal* fell in love with a friend who was part of her friend group, but decided against telling him. “The friendship didn’t become awkward. But I wish I had told him, because I’m the ‘I have no regrets in my life’ kind of person and the fact that I didn’t tell him bothers me to this day. It took a while to process my feelings and, by the time I was done, we had drifted apart. When I look back, it all seemed so unnecessary because the lack of communication is what pulled us apart as friends,” she recalls.
The expert take
Not expressing yourself is like pulling the plug on your feelings before they can be expressed. Treating this as heartbreak and holding space for these emotions will validate them and allow you to let go. “Feelings are fleeting, and attachment is something that comes naturally, it cannot be forced. Initially, it may hurt but it’s advisable to take some time off to chill with other friends and family, and engage in hobbies,” says Agarwal. She explains that it’s up to you to decide if you can continue being friends and keep the romance out of it. But if it becomes difficult, temporarily or permanently taking some space from them is okay.
It’s not unusual for friends to become romantic partners, so you’re not an oddball for feeling the butterflies and dreaming of being Bunny and Naina from Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani. But in case it turns out to be a one-way street, remind yourself: maybe there’s a Taran waiting in the wings for you.
*Names and personal details changed upon contributor’s request for anonymity.
