Amazon is building a smart fridge A.K.A my new best friend and future bridesmaid

After years of collecting data on us through fingerprints, shopping habits and your voice, Amazon has finally put their money where it really matters: my mouth. Project Pulse will debut the Amazon smart fridge, and their new sentient appliance will be able to scan its contents, predict buying patterns, and help me out with what’s past its expiration date.

But most importantly, through surveillance, confirm that it was in fact my brother who ate the last Ferrero Rocher.

The Amazon smart fridge will also help you out with nutritional information, and recommend recipes to use up all those Amazon Fresh ingredients.

Some might say that food data collection is where they draw the line. But as far as I’m concerned, this is peak future, the centrepiece I will design my house around. My fridge and I already have an intimate relationship with me inside it a minimum of five times a day. Add conversation to the mix and really, it’s a love story for the ages. This renders all my other appliances and friendships redundant.

Smarty-pants and I will stay up each night, planning the next day’s meals. I’ll bring her bouquets of coriander, she will remind me that there’s a plate of leftover chicken tandoori that needs some TLC. Cheeses will no longer need emergency surgery to amputate fungus-infected bits before being apprehensively consumed. It’s the golden age of consumption.

An international team of fewer than 100 people have reportedly been working on the Amazon smart fridge for two years, with the company pouring at least $50 million — that’s over Rs 350 crore — into it. Which is nothing compared to how much money Amazon pumped into their space mission. Why are we going somewhere where there is no food?

Despite me just having heard of the project, I do feel entitled to give my expert input based on the sheer number of waking hours I’ve spent in the presence of fridges.

So here are some features for the Amazon smart fridge that I recommend (and will later DM) to Jeff Bezos.

Touchscreen map – I want to know where my stuff is at all times.

Suggested pairings – Scan my wine label and tell me what cheese to serve it with.

Gordon Ramsay rating options – I’m not sure how it would work but I’m imagining Ramsay yelling at me while my tears salt overcooked pasta.

Disco light feature – Yes, motion sensor lighting is great but we need to take this to the next level. Strobe, disco and of course, spotlight.

A quiz function that doubles as a lock – To find out if you are hungry or just bored.

An alarm – that sounds when a family member attempts to eat something that was definitely not meant for them. This could alert the police or take a picture of the perpetrator and post it to all my social channels. Either way, I’m not picky, I’ll leave the shaming options to the Amazons.

Since I found out about Project Pulse, this morning, I’ve found it difficult to identify a human being in my social circle who would be more riveting company than my next appliance purchase. I almost want to hire Bo Burnam to sing his cheerleading anthem directly outside Bezos’s office to boost employee morale and get things moving.

I can’t wait for the day I come home to my Amazon smart fridge, slightly tipsy, and have a meaningful exchange. And a sandwich. It’ll go something like this:

Fridge: How was your night?
Me: Okay, Sanjana’s fridge selected a merlot again.
Fridge: Ugh, it’s like she doesn’t even know that it’s rosé weather.
Me: I love you fridge, no one understands me like you. (Leans in for kiss)
Fridge: No, we can’t.
Me: Is it because we live together?
Fridge: That, and also hygiene.
Me: That’s cold, even for you.
Fridge: There’s a tub of Natural’s sitaphal ice-cream in the top left corner, take it and we’ll never talk about this again.

Bezos bhaiyya, I am ready for what may be the healthiest relationship of my life. Mostly because of the holistic nutritional advice promised. Eating mindfully is so much easier when it’s not your mind that has to do the heavy lifting.