Here's why you need a friend who is 10 years older than you

“I will never understand why you’re friends with her,” a close friend said to me recently as we discussed the starkly contrasting friendships in my life. If my childhood guy friend is like a bowl of Maggi — comforting during times of turmoil, my work wife is a sturdy Coach bag, supportive and reliable. Whereas my school friends are like peri-peri paneer pizza, something I would only experiment with on vacation. My friendships cater to different parts of my personality and fulfil specific friendship needs.

Take my gym friend, for instance. My then 24-year-old self never would’ve imagined being good friends with a 40-year-old, but huffing and puffing between squats and intense boot camps, we connected over our love for lipsticks and Bridgerton. She was the one who pushed me to post a choreographed belly dancing video of myself on Instagram, something that scared me more than Manjulika ever could. But her insistence meant something — someone older and experienced in this craft was saying I’m good and I should show it off. My insecurities took a back seat and I went for it.

A common social belief is that we gravitate towards peers of our age and generation. However, in workplaces and hobby classes, we connect with people without considering any age barriers. A recent poll done by The Ken on one of their episodes about intergenerational friendships at work highlighted that the oldest friend for 58% of people was a millennial (28- 43 years), while for 41% of people their oldest friend was a Gen Xer (44-59 years).

Ronald Siegel, an assistant professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, says that May-December friendships (a bond between friends with an age gap) help you cultivate a flexible mindset. From pushing you to try a new hobby to being your agony aunt, an older friend is like the Hagrid to our Harry Potter.

Older friends are the real-life role models we need

Adulting is a strange fever dream that no one prepares you for. The thought of wrinkles, a week of muscle soreness after one leg day at the gym, and our biological clocks ticking away is enough to wish we were forever stuck at 17. Older friends can show you that growing old doesn’t have to feel like a chase with Hannibal Lecter. They come with tried-and-tested solutions like an anti-ageing nani ka nuskha or candidly talk about their egg-freezing experience.

I have come to think of them as role models who have lived through the tempestuous twenties and can offer better perspective than my peers. You may want to holiday in Greece like Latika from school or buy a Louis Vuitton bag because Natasha from your office gifted herself one. Your intergenerational buddy can pull you off the ledge of “I need to achieve everything before 30” and help you realise that, just like them, you can achieve these goals in your own time.

Just like my gym friend who is almost 15 years my senior, an intergenerational friend can inspire you to try new things. Because they know the importance of gathering different experiences and making memories, they can unlock a different side of you.

Older friends are seasoned agony aunts

An added perk is that they can be your personal advice columnist. Your older friends have been there and done that, from arguments with a partner and fighting a toxic boss, to seeing the end of friendships. So when you find yourself going through these transitions, they can help you take the blinkers off and offer a fresh point of view. Unlike your bestie who’ll instinctively side with you, an older buddy will help you resolve conflict calmly and give you a reality check when you find yourself blinded with love. They are like a solid Godrej tijori (we’re so nostalgic about those almirahs) and since your primary social circles are different, you can yap away to your heart’s content without worrying about them spilling the beans.

A study found that intergenerational friendships can also foster empathy, and reduce generational wars and arguments about whose zamaana (generation) is better. There’s an organic appreciation for what another generation can teach you. If the younger peers offer their fresh ideas, innovative approaches and decode new slang words like ‘brat’ and ‘sus’, older friends come with their hard-earned knowledge and valuable experience of having trodden all the paths, taken or otherwise. An intergenerational friendship can be a gold mine of ideas and experiences if you give it a chance.