I overcame my fear and embraced my body in a swimsuit

While packing for my trip to the Maldives, I kept ticking items off my checklist. As I looked at the beautiful pictures of my host property, OBLU SELECT Sangeli, the excitement built up. But then I reached my moment of hesitation, pen frozen in my hand, refusing to let me check off ‘swimsuit’ on my list. A tropical escape is exactly what I needed right now, after spending the last few weeks planning my wedding, but the prospect of wearing a swimsuit in public kept gnawing at my insecurity.

My relationship with my body is complicated, exacerbated by the fact that I would be a plus-size bride by the end of the year, which bothered many people. While there have been days of great body confidence, the idea of the pristine resort shores dotted with conventionally beautiful women walking out of the beach waters in neon-coloured swimsuits, having a ‘Besharam Rang’ Deepika moment, didn’t help me feel better about myself. In my head, I stood beside them in my go-to water park ensemble of black thigh-length shorts, sports bra and a swimming top. Whenever my hand inched towards the swimsuit to put into my suitcase, I’d try to talk myself out of it. No bra… Only a swimsuit… On an island with strangers… Are you sure?

Most of my apprehensions come from worrying about how others will perceive me in a swimsuit — the name-calling, the snide remarks, the ogling. It gets to me. Can I just swim and enjoy this moment? I don’t need your ‘OMG, she’s too fat for a swimsuit’ comments. I want to do something I enjoy without feeling like a criminal.

The funny thing is, I’m a total water baby. I love grabbing drinks on the beach, with music playing in the background, and trying out different water sports. I was incredibly excited about the itinerary OBLU SELECT Sangeli had lined up for me under their Serenity Plan™ (an all-inclusive plan). This included my first-ever guided snorkeling trip organised by the resort that’s a popular family holiday destination. And, of course, I’d chicken out and do it in my water park outfit.

The moment I stepped onto the property, I felt my trap muscles start to loosen. I was staring at a desktop wallpaper in real life. Taking in the beauty of OBLU SELECT Sangeli was made sweeter when their wonderfully warm hospitality team handed me a chilled glass of apple juice right after my Dhoom 4-worthy seaplane ride. I could finally escape my bridal duties on this beautiful island of Sangeli for a few days.

While dropping off my luggage at my water villa, I felt a sense of serenity that’s hard to find in Mumbai. The other female guests I saw on the way over from the reception were of all shapes, sizes and ages doing just one thing: enjoying themselves without a care of who would say what. They were simply taking in the summer, full of sunshine, sips of drinks and a lot of sunscreen (waterproof for the win).

In the water villa, the calming ocean view and the soft music coming from the television made me want to run straight to the bathtub that beckoned me each second I wasn’t looking at it. There were so many options to unwind — will it be a warm soak in the tub, staying in and reading, or drinks with hedhikaa (Maldivian finger food) at the bar and swaying to the music on the beach?

I signed up for almost every activity until I could muster up the courage to put on a swimsuit (yes, as expected I went snorkeling in my water park outfit on the first day). I focused on moving and strengthening my body with a 7 AM yoga session by the pool. As a child, I could easily do the chakrasana (wheel pose), but now, at nearly 30, it feels more like a ‘nay nay’ instead of a ‘watch me whip’. I gave my laptop-carrying shoulders and lower back some much-needed RnR at the ELE | NA spa, where coconut and eucalyptus oils were used to ease my tensions.

Slowly, the easy, breezy island felt like the right place for me to debut my swimsuit. It was a space without judgment, a place where I could just be myself. My body could soak up the sun and nobody would take offence (for whatever reason) to what I was wearing.

I would never have considered wearing a swimsuit in front of anyone except my closest friends and fiancé. But without these sweet humans around to offer their encouraging words, I decided the least I could do was take some pictures of myself in a swimsuit to send to them. Stepping out of my comfort zone — my beautiful water villa — was daunting. I gathered the courage with the help of some beetroot-baked chips the hospitality team had provided, and after a quick ‘Yay!’ from my stomach and heart, I opened the door.

The first few steps felt uneasy, but the salty air, the bluest waters, and skies tinged with clouds called me forward. They told me to go — go to the pool and forget what anyone may say (and has said) about my thighs. After all, those thighs power your dance moves, and they’re where your friend’s cat loves to rest for scratches.

This newfound ease gave me the confidence to wear my swimsuit for group activities with other resort guests and go snorkelling again. Instead of worrying about my body, I nourished it with delicious meals at the on-site fine-dining restaurant Just Grill, the pan-Asian restaurant JustWok, and later I visited The Courtyard for its fantastic buffet. My meals ranged from berry yoghurt oatmeal and granola, a dosa or a soft roshi (a Maldivian roti) with delicious Maldivian curry to a raspberry muffin.

That day when I stepped out of that infinity pool, I left my insecurities behind in the water. This trip turned out to be nothing short of a personal paradise for me, giving me the perfect getaway to feel at peace — with myself, my body, and my upcoming nuptials, though I still don’t know which mehendi design to pick.