10 products for single people (that your couple friends will want to steal too)
Did someone say cuddle buddy?
We may not have overthrown patriarchy yet, but Japan’s Takasakiyama Natural Zoological Garden has its first monkey queen. Yakei, a 9-year-old Japanese macaque, is reigning supreme at the reserve — having overthrown the alpha male of her troop to become its first female leader in the reserve’s 70-year history. But the monkey queen has already had a wrench thrown into her plans of world domination: mating season. A probable love triangle with her subjects seems to be on the charts, but it could lead to her fall from power.
Humans can relate. Valentine’s Day may have passed but it’s still the month of love, a time geared towards couples — or those trying to be part of one. But, the gehraai of the matter is that there are a lot more of us single people out here than movies would have you believe. In a world obsessed with matching sets and engagement selfies, we’re indulging in some retail therapy to feed our single souls.
Whether the only love interest in your life is your cat or you’re way over your tipping point with cutesy couple photos, we have, in our arsenal, many products for single people that you didn’t even know you needed. Because there’s no shame in owning your singlehood.
10 products for single people to own their singlehood
When you need a cuddle buddy
You know those days when you want to be cuddled and wrapped up like a burrito, but all you have is your cat who, being your own Judas, has abandoned you in your time of need? Enter your knight in shining armour: the ripped boyfriend arm pillow.
It is exactly as its name suggests, a pillow that is soft yet muscled enough. So, if you’re single by choice or just trying to not get yourself killed by the newest COVID-19 strain, the boyfriend arm pillow is your zero-fuss companion.
When your dress’s back zipper is conveniently out of reach
You’re in your best party dress, ready to glam up the city with your new stilletos, just as soon as you can get your dress to zip up — except you can’t even get your hands on the zipper.
Lightweight and easy to use, this zip puller will help you get in and out of your dress in record time without having to finagle with a paperclip or ribbon or contort your body into advanced yoga asanas.
When the only thing separating you from Nutella is its dhakkan
Jar opener
The frustration of wanting to eat your favourite food but not being able to unscrew the lid… so close, yet so far away — the stuff of nightmares, really. Enter this lifeguard of a jar opener.
This 4-in-1 jar opener will help you get all the dhakkans out of your life and far, far away from your favourite achaar or a spoonful of sweet and chocolatey Nutella.
Who needs a partner with upper body strength when you have an easy-to-use inexpensive jar opener that you can just pop into a drawer once you’re done with it?
When your tolerance for cutesy couple photos on social media has reached its saturation point
There are only so many #Shesaidyes selfies shot at sunset on a beach in Goa you can tolerate before you blow up like a puffer fish under attack. For those moments, we present to you the Unofficial Harry Potter Insults Handbook.
If you’re one of those adult fans of Harry Potter, the handbook is full of magic words for expressing exactly how certain muggles make you feel.
I like to think of a lot of these insults in my head when dealing with love-crazed twosomes. Even say some of them out loud, if they’re blissfully unaware of the wizarding world.
When you don’t have a person to brew you a cup of bedside coffee
This travel-friendly single-serve coffeemaker is one of the perfect products for single people as it will save you the time and energy that a regular coffeemaker demands, not to mention reduce the amount of coffee that would be wasted. And you can get a free-of-cost demo — God knows our desi souls thrive on free stuff.
The single-serve coffee maker can brew you a large morning cup of bedside coffee in under two minutes, and isn’t that what we all want? A fuss-free caffeine pump to start our day.
When that elusive spot on your back suddenly starts to cramp
It’s a different kind of frustration when you just can’t reach that elusive spot on your back that’s aching out of spite. But the Flexnest Massage Gun with its quietly powerful technology promises to be that extra limb evolution has denied you so far.
The machine can be used to activate muscles pre-workout or help in recovery by releasing stress and tension with percussive therapy. It has four uniquely designed heads to target different body parts. Boyfriend who? We’re Team massage gun.
When you need a little TLC
We all know that there are some tensions that don’t go away just by squeezing a stress relief ball. And if there are any products for single people on a day like that, it would be the flutter rabbit vibrator — best for a quick visit to orgasm city.
Designed to deliver intense pleasure directly to your internal and external passion spots, the accurately positioned motors will skillfully ease you into a deep and full blended orgasm.
Here’s a reminder that you can have a powerful orgasm without a partner because where there’s a will, there’s a way.
When you need to show all the insects who’s boss
The moment when I most miss having a partner is when a weird-looking bug has invaded my bedroom like it’s their own. Of course, you’re not going to try to vanquish it without added protection. Enter fly-zapping racquets.
Show all those creepy crawlies who’s boss like the strong, independent woman you are. Especially if you’re in the mood for mayhem, the classic tennis racket-shaped zapper is the best way to channel your energy.
Don’t be alarmed by the burning odour; the racket comes with a bottle of lime-scented mosquito repellant to keep the mosquitoes away.
When the only love-hate relationship you have is with your keys
We’ve all been the person looking for their keys at the very last minute before they have to get out of the house because they were supposed to be at the office 10 minutes ago. You wish you were able to ring the keys like you would ring your partner for moral support, but that’s not possible. Or is it? The Tile mate tracker tops our list of products for single people. You can easily loop it onto keychains and attach it to your wallet, or even your dog’s leash if they have a habit of running off. Basically a phone for your things, you can make your Tile mate ring to find what you need when you have to be out of the door in the next five seconds.
When you’re just sick of being single
No matter how single positive you are, we all know there are days when you just question everything. Why am I the only one single? On days like this, the dammit doll will be the dragon-slaying knight to your damsel in distress.
Emblazoned with a truly beautiful poem encouraging you to take your frustration out on it, the Dammit doll is a blessing in disguise when you’re just sick of being single and out for blood. Better to whack the daylights out of a doll than an actual person because even their breathing seems to annoy you. You can thank us later when you’re safe and tucked in bed with your ripped boyfriend arm pillow and not sleeping your night away on a jail cot.