Are we really in the epidemic of sexless marriages in India?
What’s normal for another couple may not work for you
Rumours are swirling about a new wave sweeping across the country – one of dwindling desire and sexual disconnect. The Tweak Instagram page is often home to stories of couples who, despite living under the same roof, find themselves emotionally and physically distant. “Will he think I’m a slut if I keep trying to initiate sex?” messaged one distressed reader, while others have complained about unfulfilled desires and emotionally unavailable partners. It had us questioning: are couples experiencing an epidemic of sexless marriages in India, or are we merely scratching the surface of a more complex issue?
With the backdrop of a rapidly modernising society, and the pressure of progressing while holding onto cultural, religious and societal customs and norms, we felt the need to dig deeper. There was no one better to talk to about it than Neha Bhat, an arts-based sex and trauma psychotherapist, educator and author of the bestseller Unashamed: Notes From The Diary Of A Sex Therapist. You may know her better by her Instagram moniker, Indian Sex Therapist. Bhat’s extensive experience in counselling couples amid the cultural and societal pressures unique to India provide invaluable insights into the so-called crisis of sexless marriages in India.
Urban life and growing distances
“The decline in sexual activity isn’t unique to India,” Bhat explains. “It’s a global trend, exacerbated here by our unique cultural and social pressures.” In today’s urbanised India, couples face long working hours, stressful commutes and ubiquitous digital distractions. These factors erode the time and energy couples can dedicate to each other. Add to that joint family set-up with kids, in-laws and bin bulaye mehmaan (uninvited guests), whose appetite for garam chai is as vast as their desire for online influencer drama.
The Indian context: culture adoptions and dissonance
Bhat makes an astute observation about the nature of our society. “We’ve adopted a lot from the West, including our idea of sexual liberation. Social media is full of these expectations, but then there’s dissonance between them and our reality.
“We are in a shape-shifting society, so we need to first acknowledge that we are not in the same stable as the West. Gender, marriage, money, even sex – everything’s being questioned,” says Bhat.
As the years pass, the initial fireworks in bed become a bi-weekly romp between doing the laundry, pressing Mummy ji’s feet and hopping onto the next Zoom call. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
How much sex are married people really having?
We’ve come a long way from our grandparents’ and parents’ generation, where sex was purely for reproduction. Pleasure wasn’t a word that existed, at least in the dictionary provided to women. But the expectation is now almost the opposite. And when you can’t live up to it, something feels wrong. “The biggest misconceptions about sexless marriages is that something is wrong with one partner’s libido or that they are falling out of love,” says Bhat, further explaining the different stages of a relationship using world-renowned relationship expert and psychologist, Dr John Gottman’s research.
Every relationship goes through these stages, starting with everyone’s favourite honeymoon phase. According to Gottman’s research, relationships often enter the power struggle phase after this, which typically lasts about two and a half years. Some couples navigate this successfully, moving into the next phase of maturity and disconnection – the latter is not as grim as it sounds – where they pursue their own interests while maintaining their bond.
Relationships can then grow into the depth and maturity phase, marked by profound, enduring love. These stages have been studied extensively in the Western context, but similar research is lacking in India, where insights often come from religious and philosophical texts.
Sexual frequency changes with each stage of the relationship. It’s about quality over quantity, and each couple’s needs are unique. Comparing your relationship to others is a bad idea.
The therapy ‘demon’ and finding ‘the one’
“Therapist ke paas jayenge toh (if we go to a therapist), they will say get divorced.” This is a common fear that stems from little knowledge about what actually happens in a therapist’s office. Other than financial reasons, there’s the age-old “Log kya kahenge (what would people say and think)” that stops people from seeking help. It’s one of the reasons Bhat wrote this book. “It’s for people who are scared to try full-time therapy.”
With each chapter, you better understand the therapeutic process. Think of Bhat’s book more like a worksheet than a novel. It’s by putting in the inner work that you can show up as your best self in your relationship.
We’ve all grown up on this diet of Bollywood and rom-coms that made us believe that there’s one “right” person for every one of us. And those who find themselves in a sexless marriage face a new crisis, “Oh God, clearly I didn’t marry the right one if this is happening.”
Bhat doesn’t believe in the ‘right one’, but in finding the right relationship. “A relationship where there’s effort to move towards rightness and compatibility together. Compatibility changes over time. As humans, we’re constantly evolving and the right relationship is where you make an effort to shapeshift together to create common meaning in your shared life.”
Reviving intimate moments and having ‘the talk’
If you’ve been feeling the sexual disconnect with your partner, Bhat has a few suggestions on how you can start this conversation with your partner.
- Take time out — many couples don’t prioritise this. Spend a Sunday morning with your partner.
- Start with a physical connection. It can be a massage, holding hands, or just lying in bed and listening to music together. This helps strengthen the connection with your partner.
- Get comfortable and take the lead. Once you’re comfortable in your physical connection, lead the conversation gently and bring up your feelings of disconnect. “I wanted to talk to you about something…”; “I have been feeling like…”. Avoid finger-pointing – you’re in this together and have to work on it together.
Published by Harper Collins, you can click here to buy a copy of Unashamed: Notes From the Diary of a Sex Therapist by Neha Bhat.
