"I didn't think what happened to me was marital rape"

A deeply personal account about the breach of consent, mistrust and the tough decisions we have to make

After marriage, Abha G* found her relationship with her husband changing in ways she had never predicted. It began with insecurities and minor quibbles, quickly devolving into full-blown arguments that led to her moving back to her mother’s house just a few months after their wedding. Cajoled to give the marriage another shot, she returned, but things only got worse. “I was shocked, I felt violated, but the fact that it was marital rape didn’t occur to me. You think, oh he’s my husband,” she says.

Read her emotional story.

Trigger warning: abuse and sexual assault

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I met my former partner in college. We dated for a few years and were married for nearly 10 years with a child, before we got divorced last year. Soon after the relationship quickly changed. I’m not going to blame one person here, but I feel the pressure and expectations, especially in a joint family, weigh so heavily on the woman that it can quickly take you away from what you thought marriage is all about.

I’d wake up at 7 – 7.30 AM and sit with them to give them company, then help my mother-in-law cook lunch before I left for work. I didn’t have any issue with chores, but why are all expectations — household duties, entertaining, intimacy – all bestowed upon the daughter-in-law? While the son sleeps in, waltzes in and out of the house as he pleases, eats at 9.30 PM after being out with friends, then expects me to spend time with him as well. I’d have no time left for me at all.

Things changed between us as a couple and insecurities emerged. I was working as a media professional. He’d question where I was going, whom I was meeting, why didn’t I answer his phone calls. He started to assume the worst. The doubts and bickering built up, so much so that in the first few months itself, I left the house and went to live with my mother. I knew right then that this wasn’t for me, I wanted out of the marriage. But you know how society is, so I gave in. I thought I should give it more time. I should try more, maybe I was in the wrong? I went back and things were never the same over the next 9 years, it got worse.

My former in-laws weren’t too happy about the marriage in the first place. We came from different backgrounds and communities. They wanted me to speak their language. I didn’t know it, and that would irritate them. The underlying current of not being very fond of me always existed.

My husband and I had a million conversations about how things had changed. But until you accept that what you’re doing isn’t correct, and that holds for me too, it’s just talk.

I stopped working when our child was born. I was restless because I hadn’t not worked a day in my life for the past 14-15 years. I was confined into a space, that too with in-laws I wasn’t getting along with, going through postpartum depression, which at the time I had no idea about. Back then, we didn’t talk about things like this. People started calling me crazy, so much so that I felt that something really must be wrong with me. I became this paranoid person because I had nothing else to do other than look after our child. That became my project, I had no other outlet. My ex-husband wasn’t very involved either.

He’d go off to work and get back late at night. We had no emotional connection but he’d demand sex. Men feel they’re entitled to it. He once told me, “it’s your duty”. I refused, it’s not.

We talk about sex and intimacy being a very important part of relationships. I get it, physical intimacy is up there, but what about emotional intimacy? If I’m not emotionally connected with you, I’m not going to do that with you. For him, his primal need wasn’t being met but he wasn’t even looking at the subtext or the second layer which is as important. He kept telling me that for him, the physical is more important. We clearly didn’t see eye to eye.

At first, I didn’t connect what happened to me to marital rape. I had moved to my mum’s place for a bit, and returned after being forced to. One night, around 2 AM, I awoke to find him on top of me. I told him to stop, he didn’t. It was all so hazy because I had been in such deep sleep. But he forced himself into me and I just lay there. I was shocked, I felt violated, but the fact that it was marital rape didn’t occur to me. You think, oh he’s my husband. But also, there’s no consent.

After that, his touch would make me feel sick. It happened again. I told him you cannot do that to me ever again. I didn’t use strong words as I should have, perhaps. I didn’t say it was rape, I thought I didn’t want someone to feel bad about themselves. When you’re with someone you care about, you still don’t want them to feel that way. I didn’t like him touching me anymore. After that when he’d want to have sex, I’d say no. Even when I did do it, I was never fully present.

I think most of the women who have similar experiences think it’s fine. It’s not only society, but also your family. Your parents tell you that this is the man you’re married to, it’s your duty to have sex with him. They say, ‘So what? He’s your husband’. I still remember when I moved out and he came to see me, family members would try and get me to sleep in the same room as him, to sleep with him. Statements like, ‘You’re ruining your marriage’. ‘If you don’t do it, he’ll look for intimacy somewhere else’. I said, let him. He told me the same thing, he’d step out of our marriage for intimacy, I said do it. If that’s all that there is, if that’s all that you want, please go out and do it.

By the time we filed for divorce, we were just not getting along. The bottom line was that we were so unhappy together and we had a child who was seeing all of this. He wanted to stay in the marriage because of the child. I wanted to get out of it for the same reason. A child seeing his parents this unhappy, constantly fighting and bickering, barely talking to each other — this isn’t the precedent I wanted to set for our child. I’d rather he face some difficulty growing up with a father who doesn’t live with us than think that this is what a relationship is meant to be like. We don’t live together, we’re divorced now, but at least now our child can see his parents happy, separately, and have a good relationship with his father whom he frequently meets and spends time with.

If I can do something to make it better for my child, I will. That was my biggest reason to get out.

Even at the time of divorce, I didn’t consider legal recourse for the marital rape. The only reason was my son. I want his father to be a part of his life because I know what not having a father can do to a child as well. I was brought up by a single mother.

I don’t want him to grow up thinking that that’s all his father was. I know it’s hypocritical of me to say things need to be done to change the laws without stepping up myself. But it’s complicated when you’re a parent. If today, I didn’t have a child who was my priority, I would definitely do something about it. There’s also a deep fear of your feelings and experiences being rejected. I felt violated, if someone tells me, no, you weren’t because it’s your husband – that fear of being dismissed, invalidated when you’re being vulnerable is very scarring too.

I wish women could somehow report these things and do something about them anonymously so it doesn’t impact their children. But I know that doesn’t exist and isn’t really possible. Perhaps only women who have endured marital rape will really be able to relate and understand the predicament I was in.

Along with laws, maybe even more, I think men need to be educated about these things. That’s the first step. What should be basic conversations about consent for men, and also for women. I myself learnt so late in my life. It needs to be ingrained at a young age. I’m actively teaching my child the same. Beyond just good touch and bad touch. Some people think giving a tap on a kid’s bum as a joke is funny, but it’s not. If someone does that to my child, he will say no. Certain things, certain touches… your body will automatically tell you that it feels wrong. Other boundaries need to be taught.

I’ve been divorced for about a year and separated for over three years. It’s been a journey, it’s difficult for me to put myself out there again. Friends would try and get me to meet so and so guy, like, this one is great and this man does this, meet him. People are fine talking to you, even if you’re divorced but the moment they know you’re a single mom, they sprint, and how.

I recently met somebody. I didn’t really try but we happened to meet by chance and got talking. It was easy, and it took us a while to get to a place where we could really take things ahead. There were trust issues because of the marital rape, and just the touch of a man would repulse me. I’m a very emotionally invested person. For me, to put myself out there emotionally was the biggest fear, then it was the physical. Having said that, today, I have somebody whose touch feels like the most wonderful thing in the world. It is difficult to come back when something like marital rape happens, but it can happen.

This is an anonymous account as told to Sara Hussain

*Name changed upon contributor’s request

A note of caution: This story is a personal account that can be triggering for some readers. If you are seeking professionals in the space of mental health, check this list created by iCall and for legal recourse, you can visit this all India directory of lawyers.