"I farted and couldn't stop laughing": 18 women on their first time having sex

Desperate Housewives may have disappointed viewers at the end, but they got a lot right through the show. One particularly unforgettable moment stands out. In season 3’s opening episode, Bree Van de Kamp’s first time having sex with boyfriend Orson ends with a bang and she’s shocked.

Rushing to the clinic to figure out what happened, she explained her sensations to the puzzled doctor. The doctor responds, “Ms Van De Kamp, I think you may have had an orgasm.” You’d think a grown woman, married with children, would be familiar with the concept. But it doesn’t matter what age we’re at. Given the minimal sex education we get and the silence surrounding any conversation about sex and female sexuality, many people’s first time having sex leaves them confused.

“Well, I’ll be darned,” Bree responded to the doctor, echoing our sentiments.

This was one of the first times we’ve seen this confusion play out, and it resonated strongly with viewers.

They say you never forget your firsts. First job. First time having a breakdown in the office bathroom. First date, and at some point, having sex for the very first time.

The latter comes with a lot of pressure. To perform and please, to make it memorable. But most often, first times end up being awkward and embarrassing… funny even. There are a few lucky women whose first time having sex even ends with an orgasm.

We wanted to pull the sheets off first time sexual encounters, rip off the rose-coloured bandaids pop culture has pasted on our notions of sex, and blow away the mystery that envelopes this very natural expression of love and intimacy. Who better than those who have been there, and done that to share the stories of the first time that they had sex?

Our Tweak family of readers laid bare their encounters, to show how diverse people’s sexual experiences can be and what it’s all actually like.

18 women on their first time having sex

“My first time having sex was quite eventful. My boyfriend and I decided to do it after dating for a few months. We planned a romantic date night with a movie, dinner and drinks. We came home, drank wine and started fooling around. Just as things were getting hot, he realised he didn’t have contraception so he went to the chemist. At the chemist, he realised he didn’t have his wallet so I had to go meet him with money.

We returned home to find that neither of us had the house keys and my flatmate was at a party at the other end of the city. We went to pick up the keys when the taxi got into an accident and then we had to wait for the police to show up. By the time we got back home, it was 4-5am and we were exhausted. We ended up passing out and doing it the next day, completely spontaneously. You really can’t plan these things.”  – Prachi L

“It was excruciating. I was expecting pain but this was traumatic. Movies lie to you!” – Swati*

“My mother is very forward-thinking and gave me the sex talk quite young. We spoke about consent, comfort and contraception. Female pleasure was something I, unlike the majority of people in the country, was aware of when I had sex for the first time. When the guy finished, I asked him to go down on me or masturbate me so I could also orgasm and he looked shocked. Safe to say that relationship didn’t last long.” – Kavyaa V

“It was after I got married. Neither my partner nor I knew what we were doing. We learned it all together and took things slowly. We’ve both been lucky to have understanding partners because I’ve heard from my friends how much pressure their husbands put on them. Our sex has gotten better over time because we openly talk about what to do and what the other person wants. That is the most important.” – Preeti Mehta

“I haven’t been very successful at having sex with my husband because I have vaginismus. When we try, it’s very painful for me, even with a lubricant. I am seeking treatment for it now but neither of us could figure out what it was for a very long time. I just thought sex is supposed to be painful because no one told me any better at the time. It was only when we spoke to a doctor when we were trying to conceive and struggling that I mentioned the pain and she told me it’s not supposed to be like this at all. Can you imagine!” – Rhea*

“I’m 26 and just started casually seeing someone. I just wanted to get it over with at this point. We built it up so much in our heads that I thought it would be better to just get it out of the way. Otherwise, people you date are shocked nowadays when you tell them you’re a virgin and don’t want to get involved with you. ‘Virgins get too clingy after you sleep with them’ is what one man told me.” – Mehak

“It was awful. It was all over in under a minute. Then he just rolled off me and fell asleep. I thought, ‘wow, is that it?’ What have I been waiting for this entire time? It didn’t feel very special. Just lots of wheezing, sweating and then it’s all done.” – Mehtaab P

“It was lovely. It was with my partner, who I had been seeing for a few months. It was a first for both of us and we were both nervous. We stumbled through it all, stopped to have a drink in between to calm our nerves and then carried on. I didn’t have an orgasm till the 4th time we had intercourse. But it was still special. We’re still dating now, it’s been five years.” – Shreya C

“In my ex-boyfriend’s mom’s clinic at night. She’s a paediatrician. It was on the spot where the kids sit.” – Deeksha*

“We were both very drunk when it happened. I had a vaginal fart at one point because of all the thrusting and then burst out laughing in his face, quite literally, because I ended up spitting on him. I couldn’t stop laughing and we had to stop. It was overall embarrassing and hilarious.” – Ujwalla*

“It was with my then-boyfriend. We were each other’s first and I thought I’d spend my life with him. He didn’t know where to put it properly. I felt like I was being stabbed. All those novels I read where the virgin girl orgasms – biggest lie ever.” – Neha*

“It was heaven and I wasn’t nervous or scared. My partner guided me so well through it all.” – Anjali*

“My first time having sex was the confirmation I needed that I was a lesbian. I was confused for a long time and one night got drunk at a party and thought hooking up with a man would help clear my confusion. It worked, but it was also a bit of a shock. It took me three years to build up the courage to date a woman and get intimate with her and it was incredible.” – Meenakshi*

“I thought it was going to be very painful. Kept picturing the hymen snapping and me bleeding a lot. But when it happened on my wedding night, I felt nothing. The next time we did it also felt like nothing. When I say nothing, I mean there was no pain. So I was very confused. I finally spoke to a doctor about it and she told me that my hymen may have already been broken since I used to horse ride a lot. It may have broken when I was young and I didn’t even realise. But that’s completely normal as well.” – Chandni Pratap Singh

“I was 18 at the time and was excited about it. My boyfriend came over one night when my parents were out for dinner and we did it. It wasn’t painful but felt like a lot of pressure when he was inserting himself. I did bleed and ended up staining the bedsheet. I had to lie to my mother and tell her that I had gotten my period!” – Koyal*

“My first time having sex involved the guy hitting his head on the bedpost in his ‘enthusiasm’ and blood streaming down his face. We both laughed about it later but going to the hospital to have his head stitched up at 3am was not part of the plan.” – Medha M

“My first time was lovely. My husband and I were dating for a year before we got married and we waited until the wedding night. We were both excited but very tired after the wedding functions so we spent our wedding night at a hotel. Had a nice long bubble bath to relax, drank some wine and then had sex.” – Taarini M

“It was with my high school boyfriend at a friend’s party. It was so awkward because I think everyone outside knew what we were doing but we were young and ‘in love’ and laughed through most of it. It wasn’t magical or full of fireworks but still a nice memory for me.” – Yashaswini Harishchand

“I think all the thrusting and pressure induced my period halfway through. He pulled out at one point and jumped back because he thought he had injured me. He panicked and stopped, thinking it was because of my hymen breaking. I had to explain to him that my hymen had broken a while ago and it was probably just my period. To which he just looked at me and said ‘gross’.” – Farah K

*Name changed upon contributor’s request 

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