It felt like my husband and I were falling out of love, postpartum

“Your wife will hate you when she’s pregnant, and for a while, post-baby.”

I sneered at this joke made by my husband’s colleague after he heard the news of our pregnancy. But after eight tough months postpartum, when small disagreements routinely escalated into major fights, and crying spells were frequent (for me, more than our baby), these words echoed through my head once again. Did I really hate my husband? Why was I not reconnecting with my partner after my baby?

And, how could I hate him? I had never told him this, but my millennial man is the best father/partner. He has put on sympathy weight, changes more diapers than me and gives me impromptu foot massages. When the baby first arrived, he stoically accepted when I yelled at him for things like wiping the baby wrong. He would apologise and validate my anger. Despite this, as we settled into a routine, we became emotionally disconnected, closer to being roommates than romantic partners.

I turned to sex to bridge the gap between us, exploring a postpartum sex guide. But later, while talking to mental health experts, I realised I needed to work on reconnecting with my partner emotionally.

A 2023 BBC.com article highlights how the more children a couple has, the less likely they are to feel satisfied with their relationship. Conscious introspection showed my partner and me how our new roles were challenging our relationship, and we had to recalibrate to reconnect.

Why reconnecting with your partner after a baby can be tough

For new moms: The visible (and invisible) mental load

No matter how ‘hands-on’ the father is, new mummies tend to do the heavy lifting for nine months in, and out.

Clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and certified clinical trauma professional Prachi Vaish sums up the euphoria and terror of being a new mum, “She is experiencing a host of emotions. Love (aided by the oxytocin flowing through her body to facilitate natural bonding with the infant), insecurity about doing everything right, frustration at dealing with varying advice, the effort of not offending anyone, and the hope of sharing these intense moments with her partner.”

Add to this intense hormonal changes and physical fatigue, and you find all she wants is unconditional and non-judgemental support. If that isn’t available, she protects herself by prioritising her space. This can cause a disconnect—“You won’t take care of me, so I’ll take care of me, even if it means cutting you out for now.”

My husband supports me as I workout every day, and does his equal share of night-feeds, park runs and play times. Yet, in bitter moments, I resent him for not understanding this load of being the primary parent, whose body has changed.

Exploring and accepting your postpartum body

Psychologist and counsellor Tanu Choksi explains that for new mothers, body image and self-esteem issues come up, too. Anyone who’s given birth can identify with feeling less attractive. This impacts your comfort and confidence during intimacy, which causes an emotional disconnect. If you feel your partner doesn’t love your body, your love starts to diminish.

For me, even being hugged was tough because my body wasn’t as I, or as he, remembered. Sure, theoretically I believe the female body is goddess-like, since it is capable of creating life. But try explaining that to a new mum who’s been bleeding for six weeks, has a paunch, and painful, engorged breasts. When my partner touched me, all I thought about was, can he feel the new ‘tyre’ on my back?

So, I spent more time obsessing over my weight. Working out made me mentally happier, but I should have thought about working out with him.

For new dads: Feeling replaced in your spouse’s life

Between the hours spent nursing a new baby and chalking out ‘me’ time, I was ignoring my husband. Sure, I spoke to him, but about our baby and my needs. I had been swept up in the ‘new mom needs it all’ narrative. A valid one, but not the only one.

My husband had been going through his own changes.

Vaish explains, “A lot of men feel replaced in their partner’s life. This happens at a subconscious level but they feel like their needs are somehow ‘deprioritised’ in favour of the baby’s needs. This is true for men who have an emotionally dependent relationship with their partner. This leads to a feeling of rejection and disconnection.”

When I cautiously asked if he felt this way, it broke my heart to hear: “I know you’ve been through a lot, but I don’t think you have the time or brain space for me, anymore.” I realised just how little he’d asked for through this journey of new parenthood.

Weighed down by new responsibilities

As my husband began to share what he’d been feeling, it echoed Choksi’s checklist of challenges faced by new dads. “Weighed down by the mental load of new fatherhood, an emotionally overwrought spouse, the financial and emotional responsibility of a child, and perceived neglect from his previously affectionate partner.”

While we had acknowledged that it was the logistics of life (financial pressures, paucity of time, anxiety about raising a new human effectively) that came in the way of our physical relationship, it hit me like a contraction, that I wasn’t reconnecting with my partner because I was only focusing on my baby and myself.

Tips on reconnecting with your partner after having a baby

For us, the first step was honesty. Acknowledging that we weren’t on the same page, and we weren’t the same people anymore.

As a new dad, my partner had to recognise that he was struggling with new responsibilities, and was feeling all the feels (overwhelmed, stressed, ignored). He had to introspect, open up, communicate and only then could we re-love.

As a new mom, I had different needs, and I had to ask him for these, instead of expecting him to read my mind. I also had to make space for him. I began to ask him to sit with me for a few minutes while the baby slept, or while I bathed and fed the baby. We could talk and he could feel like a part of our unit—instead of being two units, him and baby, and baby and I.

I had to reframe sex. It didn’t have to be another chore. Vaish says, “As a new mom, I realised sex could make me feel in charge of my body again, make me feel beautiful and could cause a surge of feel-good endorphins within me.”

Taking this advice, we started doing date nights at home, leaving baby with nani and dadi just so we could talk, flirt, and connect. This ritual has done more for us than actual date nights outside. One rule? No talking about baby!

Vaish also shares some advice for men to feel more emotionally connected to their partner. “If she is feeling admired, desired, and appreciated, she will feel safe enough to share herself physically with you. If she notices that you only come close to her when you want sex, she will start associating your closeness with an ulterior motive and that’s a turn off,” she explains.

Falling back in love, differently

Ten months in, we’re getting to a good place, albeit a new place. It began with seeing each as people again, not just parents. Serendipitously, last night before bed, he hugged me. It gave me pause, and I asked him why. There was no reason.

It wasn’t much, but it was everything. It reminded me that reconnecting with your partner after having a baby can only begin if you take small steps every day.