Married before 21: How these young couples make it work

Sometimes, you meet the love of your life while you’re wearing a Humpty Dumpty costume. As Loraine Fernandes stood on an open field watching her future husband running hand-in-hand with another girl, she had no idea that they’d end up together. Understandable, given that they were only five years old. Two decades later, the couple who married young — they were both 21 — share three kids and the kind of telepathic connection reserved for romcoms starring Julia Roberts.

The current narrative around getting married young is that you shouldn’t. We’re advised to take the time to cook fully before adding someone else’s tadka to the mix. So when Stranger Things actor Millie Bobbie Brown announced her engagement at the age of 19, the internet had a collective fainting spell. And that sparked our curiosity. Is the decision to get married young so scandalous? We spoke to two couples who shared their experiences.

Loraine Fernandes, 35. Married for 15 years

“We’ve known each other since we were 5. We went to the same school but were never close friends. In the 9th grade, he was invited to my birthday party — he fell in the ‘good boy’ category, so he made the cut.

We only began spending time together in the 12th grade — I didn’t even know he had joined Xavier’s because I was a science student and he was in commerce. I was walking back from class one day and bumped into him at the gate. We were both so surprised and happy to see each other since we were meeting after almost two years. That image is ingrained in my mind like a photograph.

Our relationship didn’t begin overnight. It was a friendship that grew bigger. Because we’d known each other so long, we were completely comfortable with each other, and there was nothing to hide, so we could be ourselves. It’s not like someone you meet at work – there, you always have doubts. Does he have a dark past? Is he a serial killer?

Our core values were the same, and looking back on 15 years of marriage, that’s what has kept us together. The topics that people generally argue about — money, how to raise kids — we never discussed any of that in advance because we just go with the flow and grab opportunities that come to us. After college, I was offered a job in Pune, and he followed me there. When he was offered a better role in Chennai, we packed up and moved.

Today, people have a set of goals they need to achieve before getting married. There are too many expectations; too much pressure for your life to look a certain way because that’s what you’ve envisioned. But it’s like a road trip. If you’re too rigid in your itinerary, things can go wrong. Instead, if you just play it by ear and allow yourself to enjoy whatever comes your way, you’ll be happier.

Though we got married young, at the age of 21, we felt like we really knew each other and that we were showing each other our true selves. Couples who get together when they’re older sometimes feel the need to put on a fake personality depending on what they think the other person may like. But the mask slowly drops away, and when their quirks begin to show, then you feel, ‘This is not whom I married’.

We still have a strong friendship. We’re constantly chatting with each other and spending time together. As for whether the attraction fades after knowing someone for so long, my answer is, “We have three children.” The chemistry has always been there, but it’s now grown into a mutual appreciation of more than just something physical.

Our mantra is: Let your actions be led by your love. If Joellan has had a late night, I won’t wake him up early. I manage the kids and let him sleep. He does the same if I’m unwell or need a break. People go all out on Valentine’s Day or on their anniversary with five-star meals and spa dates, but what about the rest of the year? It’s the simple things if you just want to make things easy for your partner if they’re having a rough day, then the home becomes their happy place.”

Tasneem Ayaz, 27, Married for 7 years

“Ours was an arranged marriage — he came to pick me up, and we went to a coffee shop where we chatted for an hour and a half. I knew I wanted to get married young, and I wanted to focus on my professional and personal life simultaneously. I felt that if I waited to establish my career first, I might get hung up on the idea of not wanting to move cities if I needed to later. So many people who move abroad have to start from scratch after so many years of hard work to establish themselves. I wanted to do both simultaneously so I would know where my future was headed.

I didn’t need a lot of time to make a full judgement. He was chivalrous, patient, well-spoken and well-dressed. From our conversation, I could tell he would give me the freedom to dress, talk and live how I want. We just clicked. After four days of chatting on WhatsApp and over phone calls, he asked me to marry him, and I didn’t hesitate to say yes.

As a young girl, you obviously have an image of how your life will turn out. I never thought I’d move so far away from Mumbai to a city like Kolkata. I’ve had my challenges, but the reality is almost what I envisioned because my husband made it as smooth as possible.

In my opinion, when you get married young, it’s easier to adapt to people and a new environment. You and your spouse grow together as individuals and build a life together as a couple

What’s worked for us is communicating our emotions openly and not giving each other silent treatment. It’s important to nip the problem in the bud.

You can’t be too rigid, saying, ‘Shaadi ke pehle, I didn’t do this, so you can’t expect me to. Main kyun kar rahin hoon, why doesn’t the man have to do it?’ If you take a step forward, you’ll automatically see them do it.

It’s equally necessary to remember to have a sense of humour and have fun as friends, along with being husband and wife.

It’s also important to have your individual space and independent interests so that when you’re together, you value that time together. I have a 4-and-a-half-month-old son, and right now, it’s all about him. But neither of us is insecure about not getting time from our spouse because we made that time for each other at the beginning of our marriage. Now even if we’re silently in the room, watching TV, we know it’s our time together. It has to be a balance of both, spending time with yourself and time with your partner. Your own sanity is equally important so you can give your hundred percent in the marriage.”