My husband isn't my best friend, and that's why we work

I’ve been married for 13 years, and my husband and I love each other. I say this quite confidently because just today, out of sheer boredom, I have called him six times to confirm that he does, in fact, love me and would continue to love me as a worm, as a giraffe or if I had an extra head.

It’s not all roses and rainbows, though. Our relationship is often severely tested. Like when we go shopping. He will be found on a chair/step ladder/mannequin, anywhere he can sit, looking bored out of his skull as I twirl around in outfit after outfit while he offers little to no input on what looks good. Or when we go to a coffee shop. I wax eloquent about how good the coffee is, the rich aroma, how the ambience adds to everything, while he’s on a work call, chugging down his coffee, nary an appreciative thought for the beans.

This has led me to the realisation that love is great, but my spouse isn’t my best friend. We need different relationships to appeal to different facets of our personality. This has been heavily inspired by what Shahrukh Khan tells Alia Bhatt in Dear Zindagi. I have come to believe the concept of ‘The One’ is a fallacy. Sure, you can dance around trees with your Mr Right and put up mushy posts about how you “married your best friend”, but the reality is starkly different. He may be Mr Right but he can’t possibly be ‘Mr Right For Everything’. My spouse isn’t my best friend; I think believing in ‘The One’ is burdening that person with too many expectations, often the reason relationships crumble.

Mehezabin Dordi, a clinical psychologist at Sir HN Reliance Foundation Hospital in Mumbai, says, “The concept of ‘The One’ often creates unrealistic expectations within a relationship. It implies that one person can meet all of your emotional, social, and intellectual needs, which may be an impossible burden for any single individual to bear. This can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction when your partner inevitably falls short in some areas. Additionally, this mindset can stifle personal growth and exploration outside the relationship, as it discourages forming deep connections with others who can provide different perspectives and support.”

Now, since my spouse isn’t my best friend, you may think that I have an axe to grind with the people who do befriend their spouses and that when I see their saccharine Instagram stories with their partners, I throw up a little in my mouth. The axe bit is far from the truth; the reaction to stories, not so much. Do I believe we need our partner to be an emotional crutch and our personal cheerleader? Absolutely. But could someone else — a sibling, a friend, a colleague — also meet those needs? Also yes. There are, after all, six kinds of love that we need to flourish.

I have girlfriends to whom I send pictures when I go shopping and the group is alive with suggestions, feedback and enthusiastic responses. While my husband cannot muster a nod, these ladies will discuss the style, the cut, the value, and where I could wear the outfit in question. In sharp contrast to my Mr Right’s lack of coffee etiquette, I have a colleague with whom I’ve spent hours discussing the pros and cons of a roast and when the espresso is strong enough to keep you awake in a meeting where your sales head drones on about the numbers. While your relationship with your partner should be given its due importance, I see merit in cultivating a support system that could help you sail through the good times and pick you up when the going gets tough.

Dordi adds, “Having different people for different roles is beneficial. For example, a childhood friend may understand your family dynamics better, while a college friend may be more attuned to your professional and financial challenges. Different friends can offer varied perspectives, advice, and emotional support tailored to specific areas of your life. This diversity can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling social network. The time spent with others can also refresh and invigorate your marriage, bringing new experiences and insights into your shared life.”

Of course, there is a caveat. Despite your commitment to being the Lady Whistledown of your network, it’s perhaps best if you put your pen (phone, in this case) down and draw some boundaries on what you should share. My husband isn’t my best friend, but it’s still a sacred relationship. Baring your soul to a few friends is healing, but displaying your soul in an art gallery for everyone to see and judge may cause a rift in your relationship.

Dordi says, “Cultivating relationships outside of your marriage can sometimes lead to discord if one partner feels neglected or insecure. To mitigate this, open communication is crucial. Discussing your needs and boundaries can help ensure both partners feel valued and understood. Additionally, making time for quality interactions with your spouse and involving them in your broader social circle, when appropriate, can reinforce the primary bond, while still allowing for individual friendships.”

We have played enough Jenga to know that when things pile up, the tower becomes unstable and collapses — much like when one person bears the burden of all the expectations in a relationship. While I do make a compelling argument about why my husband isn’t my best friend, this is not to say pull your prince charming off their horse and replace them with your social circle. Perhaps the adage ‘more the merrier’ is applicable in the context of relationships, too.