The supportive friend’s guide to emotional dumping 

Not every conversation needs an encore 

Imagine this: You and your friend are ready for a coffee-fuelled catch-up. Everything seems fine until your friend seems possessed by Kartik Aaryan’s Rajat from Pyaar Ka Punchnama, launching into a monologue about every calamity in their personal life. Suddenly, your gup sesh turns into an unexpected emotional rollercoaster, leaving you wondering when you stepped onto a splash mountain ride for this kind of thwack of feelings in your face.

You’ve just entered the realm of emotional dumping, where casual conversations swiftly morph into emotional TED Talks. It’s a situation familiar to us all. “My friend would call me late at night to talk about her relationship issues — her partner was jealous and controlling, and there were constant trust issues and disagreements. At first, I thought I was being a good listener, but it became a daily occurrence. It was draining and started to affect my mental health,” says 38-year-old Anindita Jha, the marketing head of a sports agency in Kolkata.

Is it possible to navigate our peers’ emotional episodes without shouldering the emotional load, Chandler-style? Can we BE any more prepared? Let’s explore.

What is emotional dumping?

Emotional dumping is the act of offloading one’s entire emotional baggage onto another person — like attempting to pack a whole wardrobe into a carry-on suitcase. We all know how that ends — with someone paying extra, in cash or in mental bandwidth.

While concrete studies on the topic are lacking, experts suggest that emotional dumping is a common experience for women. “Societal expectations and women’s innate nurturing instincts create an environment where they feel compelled to be emotional pillars for friends, family, and colleagues. Driven by a desire to be good friends, devoted family members, or reliable colleagues, they may struggle to say ‘no’ or establish boundaries to protect their emotional energy,” says Isha Sinha, a family counsellor based in Lucknow.

But, why can’t we vent to our friends and family?

Like Raju’s Chindian Delights and Royal China Fine Dining, there’s a clear line between healthy and acidity-inducing (are we the only ones suffering from it?). Much like your culinary choices, there’s a difference between healthy sharing to build genuine connections and emotional dumping to offload your distress onto another person. 

Venting is like a stressbuster buffet. Dr Namrata Singh, a Bengaluru-based clinical psychologist, notes, “It’s a delightful two-way street where solace is found in shared emotions.”

On the flip side, emotional dumping is like ordering a feast for one. Singh warns that there is a lack of consideration for the listener’s capacity to absorb and respond to the emotional overload. Naturally, this imbalance can strain relationships faster than a spicy curry on an empty stomach.

Saadia Khan felt the burn when a weekend escape planned for much-needed R&R became a saga of in-law conflicts, husband troubles, and financial stress. “Initially, I was all in for the trip, but as the emotional feast unfolded, I ended up feeling like I needed a vacation from the vacation,” says the 40-year-old Mumbaikar. The moral of the story: share your emotional dishes wisely, so everyone can enjoy the feast without getting a bellyache.

How do I know if someone is emotional dumping?

Trying to spot a friend accustomed to emotional dumping can be like attempting to find Waldo in a sea of ’90s emo kids wearing stripes. Sinha suggests looking out for these signs:

1. One-sided conversations with limited room for the listener to contribute.
2. Repetitive themes that focus on the same emotional issues without seeking resolution.
3. Overwhelming emotional intensity that leaves the listener feeling drained or burdened.
4. Sharing without considering the listener’s readiness to handle intense emotions.
5. Frequent, lengthy conversations that extend beyond the listener’s comfort level.

The burden of being supportive

We’ve (mostly) mastered the art of juggling our own emotions, but consistently carrying someone else’s emotional baggage? That’s like trying to learn how to ride a unicycle while holding a dozen cats – challenging and, let’s face it, a bit absurd.

Increased stress, anxiety and burnout are common for people who continue to carry the emotional load of someone else’s struggles. Singh points out that emotional dumping has a deep impact, which becomes more pronounced when the boundaries you’ve put in place with these friends or family members are repeatedly ignored.

Moreover, the guilt associated with not meeting the societal need to be a gentle, comforting listening ear with a fresh shoulder to cry on can be overwhelming, particularly for women. “They may wrestle with a sense of failure, seeing themselves as falling short in providing the expected level of emotional support,” notes Singh.

Recognising these challenges is the first step in finding a more balanced and shared approach to emotional responsibility.

Navigating the situation

But being the MVP friend without turning into an emotional landfill is doable and much needed for your mental sanity.

For instance, Kimberly D’Souza, a 24-year-old media professional, had a friend in college whose parents were in a toxic marriage. “Every time we met, it was like entering a therapy session where I played the role of the therapist,” she says.

The Noida resident sought therapy to manage the emotional strain. Her sessions taught her to develop strategies to steer conversations toward more positive topics.

She began to actively engage in conversations by asking questions like, “Have you thought about talking to a relationship counsellor? It might provide some valuable insights.” By encouraging practical solutions, she ensured the conversations didn’t turn one-sided and remained constructive.

Sinha, too, suggests strategies:

1. Set boundaries by communicating your limits.
2. Encourage professional help to share the emotional burden constructively.
3. Normalise seeking support by encouraging them to build a robust support system.
4. Express empathy without internalising their emotions. Compassion doesn’t mean carrying the entire emotional burden.
5. Prioritise self-care and take space and time for yourself.

So, note to self and everyone else on this bumpy ride of emotions: let’s recognise and accept the toll it’s taking on us, set those boundaries like a pro, and maybe, just maybe, have a mimosa-filled soiree with your BFF to catch up on the latest gossip, make travel plans which you never end up following through, talking about the intimate moments of your life and their struggles without making them want to drown in the champagne flute in front of them.