When things go quiet in the bedroom: how to reignite your sexless marriage

What it means when intimacy is lost, why it happens and how to reconnect

You don’t remember the exact moment it happened or when it finally hit you. The days got busier, the kids got older, the nights got shorter, and suddenly, your once-vibrant connection with your partner started to feel like a distant memory. You love your partner, and they love you. But the intimacy, the kind that brought butterflies to your stomach once upon a time, seems to have packed its bags and quietly left the building.

It’s a story many couples find themselves living. Given the sheer silence around sex in the country, even among married couples, there are few solid numbers that ascertain how prevalent sexless marriages are in India. Experts go by varying definitions, from not having sexual contact in the last month to having sexual intimacy less than 10 times in a year.

Before you spiral into self-blame or start Googling “does being in a sexless marriage mean my relationship is over?”, know this: being in a sexless marriage is more common than you think. Whether it’s stress, physical issues like erectile dysfunction (ED) or vaginismus, mental health challenges, or simply exhaustion from juggling life, there are so many reasons that intimacy can quietly slip away without anyone noticing until it’s long gone.

But here’s the thing: a sexless marriage doesn’t mean a loveless one, nor does it have to be permanent. The first step towards change starts with one simple yet daunting task—a conversation.

Talking about something as vulnerable and deeply personal as intimacy can feel intimidating, even for the most communicative couples. How do you bring it up without hurting your partner? How do you find the right words when the topic itself feels loaded with potential judgment or guilt?

Luckily, this isn’t uncharted territory. Couples therapists, psychologists and sex therapists have guided countless relationships through similar circumstances. “Addressing a sexless marriage can have little to do with the actual act but rather building understanding, connection and thinking of intimacy outside of the traditional sense – not physical only, but emotional and mental too,” emphasises psychotherapist Anushka Manchanda, a New Delhi-based specialist in couples and family therapy.

How did we get here?

This isn’t something that happens overnight. Physical health and hormonal changes can significantly influence libido, especially during life transitions like menopause or postpartum recovery, according to Manchanda. Hormonal shifts during these stages may naturally reduce sexual desire, while chronic health conditions such as diabetes or cardiovascular diseases can further complicate intimacy. Additionally, certain medications, including antidepressants or blood pressure treatments, can have side effects that dampen libido. Understanding and addressing these physical factors is crucial for overcoming barriers to intimacy and fostering a healthier connection between partners.

In the hustle of modern life, intimacy often takes a backseat. Kasturi M, relationship therapist, counselling psychologist and author of the dating and relationship book Red, Green and Sometimes Beige, notes, “Between demanding jobs, parenting, and endless to-do lists, couples often struggle to find time for each other, let alone for sex.”

How emotional and physical intimacy influence each other

It’s not just your body either, but also how you feel. “Emotional intimacy often sets the stage for physical intimacy,” says Kasturi. If resentment, unspoken conflicts, or feelings of neglect pile up, they create an invisible wall.

“Sex often starts in the mind,” she explains. “When couples nurture emotional closeness—through meaningful conversations and mutual trust—it creates a deeper sense of safety and comfort, making both partners more open to exploring physical intimacy. Without that emotional bond, sex can feel disconnected or superficial.”

She notes that emotional withdrawal, unresolved conflicts, and patterns of feeling unprioritized are key signs that intimacy issues may stem from deeper emotional problems.

Talking about intimacy in long-term relationships

Despite the assumption that long-term couples find it easier to discuss intimacy, Manchanda observes that many partners struggle with these conversations. Kasturi adds, “This reluctance often reflects deeper issues. Fear of rejection, vulnerability, or even admitting that things have changed over time can stop couples from addressing these shifts head-on.”

Unrealistic expectations, whether tied to the early stages of a relationship or shaped by pop culture, add to the challenge. Manchanda explains, “There’s no universal formula for how much sex a couple should have. Satisfaction varies widely and depends on personal realities, beliefs, and traditions—not what’s portrayed in media.”

Redefining intimacy

“Intimacy goes beyond physical connection,” Kasturi emphasises. Here are ways couples can maintain closeness:

• Emotional intimacy: Share thoughts and vulnerabilities to foster trust.
• Intellectual intimacy: Engage in meaningful conversations and share ideas.
• Experiential intimacy: Bond through shared activities and adventures.
• Spiritual intimacy: Connect over shared beliefs, values, or purpose.

She adds, “Non-sexual forms of affection, like cuddling, hand-holding and spending quality time together, can help rebuild closeness and pave the way for rekindling physical intimacy.”

Conversation starters

To break through the silence, Kasturi suggests:

• Acceptance: “Physical and emotional changes are natural. Accepting them allows partners to adjust and move forward with understanding.”
• Using ‘I’ statements: “When discussing intimacy, say things like, ‘I feel disconnected when we don’t spend intimate time together.’ This avoids blame and keeps the conversation compassionate.”
• Taking responsibility: “Instead of seeing this as a ‘them’ problem, model the behaviors you want to see—be affectionate, open, and communicative.”
• Seeking professional help: “A sex therapist can uncover root causes, offer new communication strategies, and provide guidance for improving closeness.”

Practical tools

To start reconnecting, Kasturi advises:

Keep talking: “Don’t assume your partner knows what you want. Be open about your needs and desires.” Some helpful conversation starters are:

“I’d like to talk about something that’s been on my mind. Can we set aside some time to discuss it openly?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about [issue], and I’d really appreciate hearing your perspective on it.”

“I feel [emotion] when [situation] happens, and I want us to figure out how we can address this together.”

“I know this might be a difficult conversation, but I believe we can work through it with understanding.”

Spend quality time together: No phones pinging with notifications or distractions—just meaningful time to rebuild the emotional bond. It could be through a mutually enjoyed activity you indulge in, or simply listening to music and holding hands.

Schedule intimacy: “It sounds unromantic, but putting intimacy on the calendar ensures it doesn’t get pushed aside by life’s busyness.”

Can a sexless marriage still be fulfilling? Absolutely, say Kasturi and Manchanda. “Many couples find deep intimacy through emotional support, shared life goals, and companionship. The key is prioritising communication, redefining intimacy, and respecting each other’s needs,” says Kasturi.

Manchanda insists that not only does our understanding of intimacy need to evolve, but we need to stop trying to mirror what we see in relationships around us (or on our screens); sex is only a part of it, albeit an important one. Sexual frequency changes with each stage of the relationship. It’s about quality over quantity, and each couple’s needs are unique. Comparing your relationship to others is never a good idea.

A note of caution: This article is for educational purposes and contains inputs from trained experts. Please consult your healthcare provider to find a treatment plan that will work best for you. If you find yourself struggling, iCALL has put together a crowdsourced list of mental health professionals across the country; you can find it here.