'Many women feel sex happens to them, rather than with them'

You’ll rarely find a woman asking for sex-position recommendations on her Instagram Stories the way she openly asks for sunscreen favourites or coding-class suggestions. Conversations about sex (if they happen at all) tend to exist only within trusted circles. Maybe you’ll ask your best friend how to feel comfortable with a new partner, or maybe, if your friendship mirrors Sex and the City, you’ll even trade notes on masturbation. But most of our thoughts on pleasure live in silent secrecy between us and Google. Until, of course, some of us gather the courage to ask an expert.

Seema Anand, a mythologist, sex educator, and storyteller has listened to countless such questions. With decades of experience, she has heard the private worries and quiet curiosities of men and women alike: orgasms, erectile dysfunction, foreplay, fear, shame, desire. She has held space for all of it, helping people understand their bodies with more compassion and clarity.

Drawing from this wealth of experience, she teamed up with medical experts to answer real questions from around the world in her new book Speak Easy: The Field Guide to Love, Longing and Intimacy (Bloomsbury), where she gently expands on how we think about pleasure.

In one chapter, Anand explores how many women romanticise the idea of sex more than the physical experience, often leading to disappointment during the act. “For many women, the idea of sex – the anticipation, the fantasy, the closeness – often feels far more exciting than the act itself and a large part of this is because of the silence that surrounds female desire. Our only exposure to the subject is the visuals of pop media, which show us what women are supposed to ‘do’ during sex but never what we are supposed to ‘feel’,” Anand writes in her book. That passivity can disconnect women from their own pleasure, especially when many of us don’t fully understand our bodies. For instance, did you know that keeping your thighs closed during penetration often increases pleasure more than having them apart?

With Anand’s insights, we’re invited to reflect on what sex truly means to us, and how we can learn, without judgement, what our bodies need to feel good.

How women can get more pleasure out of sex

“Many women grow up without understanding their own arousal patterns or knowing what turns them on, which is not the wild, loud, sweaty acrobatics but rather the slow, deliberate movements and exploration that allow the body to tap into its own excitement. Which is what happens in foreplay. You are wrapped in someone’s arms, your thighs are stretched or pressed together as your excitement dictates, you can feel each other’s breath, you are held as you wish to be held, you move as you wish to move.

But once penetrative sex begins, your body has to follow someone else’s instructions – legs are opened, hips are lifted, the focus shifts from being close to being entered. And for many women, that shift from being held to being positioned breaks the circuit of arousal. Studies have shown that women often experience the deepest pleasure when the pelvic floor is relaxed and the thighs are closed or are able to press together, but most sexual positions create the opposite posture, emphasising performance over sensation. The erotic energy that builds in fantasy or in the closeness of foreplay dissipates when the body is suddenly asked to perform rather than feel.

Many women report feeling like sex is something that ‘happens’ to them rather than with them. And that makes the body withdraw even as it is being touched. So when women say the idea of sex is more exciting than sex itself, it is not because they lack desire. It is often because sex, as it is presented and expected, does not match how their bodies feel pleasure. The buildup, the fantasy, the foreplay allows you to remain in touch with your arousal; the act on the other hand often takes it away.

What next? It’s about understanding how to bridge the gap between desire and sensation. Give yourself permission to be more excited by the ‘idea’. If your arousal language needs imagination and fantasy to build up desire, that’s fine. Just don’t finish it there, extend it gradually to your physical play as well by carefully exploring what kind of touch on what part of your body gives you pleasure. Take your time to feel it rather than just ‘do’ it. Start with the body. Many women report that the shift from foreplay to penetration breaks the arc of arousal, not because the desire has disappeared, but because the posture of the body changes so dramatically.

During foreplay the body has the freedom to be as it wants – held skin to skin, thighs pressed together, back arched, curled around each other in whichever way you want. But during penetration that closeness shifts to ‘being positioned’. Now suddenly you have legs apart, hips tilted, arms supporting – it’s about instructions and ‘doing it right’ and ensuring you don’t have pain and a million other ‘to dos’ – and this can lead to a feeling of emotional or sensory disconnect. Simple adjustments like keeping the legs closer, experimenting with positions that maintain skin contact or shifting the angle of your pelvis to preserve that feeling of closeness can help maintain the pleasure arc.

This is not about ‘trying harder’ to enjoy sex, it is about understanding how the body wants to feel pleasure and building the act around that. If you notice that your arousal peaks when your thighs are closed or your legs stretched out, etc., adjust your position to allow that. Add some whispered conversation or mutual laughter, keep the mind engaged, which in turn will help keep the body responsive.

It’s also worth exploring what it is about the fantasy that feels so much more exciting – is it the novelty, the emotional connection or the sense of freedom? Once you identify it, include it in your real-life sex – and I don’t mean by role playing, just start with what kind of tone, touch or language excites you so that he can try and do it for you. Build it from there.

Having said that, I want to point out that real sex often does not match imagined sex – not because it is less, but because it is different. Real sex can be quiet, awkward, tender, slow, funny, underwhelming and hard work. If you are waiting for it to feel like fantasy – explosive, cinematic, overwhelming – it is always going to feel anticlimactic.

I also want to add that perhaps this disconnect goes a lot further back than present-day media representation. It is not just the idea of sex versus the act of sex, but ‘man’ versus our idea of a man. For many women, the idea of a man’s attention, his gaze, his imagined presence is far more arousing than his actual body in the room. For centuries, female arousal has been shaped by stories of courtship, longing, stolen glances, waiting to be chosen. Women were taught to desire ‘being desired’, we are not taught to desire the body of a man. The erotic thrill was in what might happen, not what is happening. Also, men’s bodies have not been eroticised in the same way women’s have. In most visual and cultural narratives, the male form is rarely presented for female pleasure, it is a symbol of power, not sensuality. So the female brain has been socialised to respond more to his attention than his physical form. The physical body of a man may be fabulous but may not trigger desire directly – it could instead be how he moves, speaks, looks at you, holds back or touches you that stirs excitement.

As an experiment, change how you see the male body, not by forcing yourself to ‘find it hot’ but by discovering his texture, his scent, the warmth behind his knees, the softness of the inner wrist. Learn his body, rather than just being with it. But also importantly if something feels consistently off – physically or emotionally – you may need medical intervention. Sometimes what feels like disinterest or disconnect may be caused by lack of arousal, hormonal shifts or emotional exhaustion and you may need to see a doctor.”