Let’s talk about sex, lady
Eight women share how their sexual desires changed in their 30s and 40s
“I’d like to get intimate every day, but I’ll take a couple of times a week,” said Arushi* to her friend, Pooja*. “Once in 10 days isn’t cutting it for me.”
“Consider yourself lucky. I haven’t had sex in four months,” sighed Pooja.
This is not an uncommon conversation among women in their 30s and 40s. Studies suggest that heterosexual women often experience increasing libido as they reach their prime, while their partners, often in the same age bracket, face rapidly declining sexual desire, resulting in a frustrating imbalance.
“Sex drive or libido in women often peaks in their 30s to early 40s, driven by increased confidence and a biological response to declining fertility,” says Dr Gandhali Deorukhkhar, Mumbai-based gynecologist and obstetrician. This is when the female body heightens sexual desire to maximise reproductive output before the decline begins. And by the time perimenopause and menopause arrive around the mid- to late 40s, our sex drive goes into involuntary retirement (perimenopause is more than hot flashes and mood swings).
A woman’s body is both a marvel and a complicated structure. Each phase of her life brings with it hormonal, physical and emotional changes; from pre-puberty to menstruation, and perimenopause to menopause, we’re consistently evolving. And the beauty is that each woman’s experience of these phases is unique.
We spoke to eight women to understand how their bodies and drives have reacted to the transition from their 30s to their 40s.
8 Indian women share how their 30s and 40s have shaped their sexual desire
Riding the wave
“My sex drive has only gotten stronger since turning 30, and it continues to improve. The biggest shift hasn’t been hormonal, it’s been about finally understanding what I actually like and don’t like. I was in a 10-year long relationship in my early 20s. We were young when we got together, and we never took the time to figure out what either of us genuinely enjoyed. After that relationship ended and I started dating again, new partners would ask, “What do you like?” and I realised I didn’t have an answer. That’s when I knew I needed to do some intentional work on myself.
I made a conscious decision to explore my own body and figure out what worked for me. I also lost weight about two years ago, which helped me feel less self-conscious physically. But more importantly, it coincided with me committing to understanding my own pleasure. My orgasms post-35 have been noticeably more intense than they ever were in my 20s.”
Alisha S*, 38, Dubai
Live, learn and climax
“I feel I am way more tuned in to my sex drive now than I have ever been, because of the effort my partner and I have put into understanding each other’s bodies and what turns us on. It’s not always the act of sex or penetration; it’s random things, such as him doing a chore I’m meant to do because he thinks of me as more than just a warm body. Or that random slap on the bum, kiss on the lips when I’m doing yoga, looking at me from across the room the same way he did when we first started dating.
It’s time we break that myth that you need to have sex X number of times in a month—I find that logic flawed and it only puts pressure on people. It’s the quality of sex that matters most. Educate not only yourself, but your partner too. That’s the key to great sex.
Shamika K*, 36, Lucknow
One and done
“Perimenopause has brought about a tiredness I can’t explain. My sleep is more broken than ever before, and my mood sways more than I’d like. My periods were and are still regular, but shorter. Which is both a blessing but also disconcerting.
The other shift has been mid-cycle, when I feel dry and completely uninterested in sex. It’s a whole week when I don’t even want to be touched—sexually or otherwise. My boobs hurt, my back hurts, but it isn’t quite PMS. Or maybe it is PMS x 2?
Sex isn’t as wild or as regular as it was in my 20s and 30s. I definitely still have the drive but multiple orgasms in a session are a thing of the past. And while there is no discomfort per se, foreplay is an essential prep. I can’t just get into things at the drop of a hat, like I used to. In fact, these days I even have to do stretches, no joke, so that I don’t have muscle aches or cramps in other body parts after. And when I’m done, I’m done. I’m happy to cuddle after, but no round two please!”
Nalini C*, 44, Kolkata
Toy story
“I bought a bunch of sex toys in my 30s, which transformed my relationship with my body. I’m less critical of it now, and that makes sex more pleasurable. My libido is more or less the same as it was in my 20s, but I seem to have learnt what I want during intimacy, leading to a new discovery of self.”
Smita I, 37, Porvorim
I’m sexy and I know it
“My sex drive is more pronounced in my 30s than it ever was in my 20s. In fact, it shot up right after I delivered. A few things that may have contributed to this: I am at the right weight now, my stamina (thanks to the gym and yoga) is better, my inability to tolerate s*it any longer has reduced my overall stress, and I now have a purpose, which is to live better, be better, and set an example for my son. So it’s doing wonders for my overall outlook. Even my husband (who was my boyfriend) feels that there’s been a change for the better.”
Vaishnavi D*, 36, New Delhi
Sex? Don’t know her
“I haven’t had a natural period since last June, and have gained 10 kgs in six months despite a rigorous gym routine and a healthy, calorie-deficit diet. My mood and energy have been in the gutter, and I’ve lost my sex drive too. I’ve also noticed digestive issues worsen, along with hair fall and fatigue.
I’ve been to multiple doctors, done over six cycles of hormone therapy, and taken period-inducing medication, but they only worked for a while. The doctors don’t seem too alarmed about this because I’m “unmarried and not planning to have kids right now”, which is extremely frustrating. I’ve grown out of all my clothes, which adds to my irritation, even though I’m slowly starting to accept it. Sex isn’t something I think of or care about anymore since my hormones have taken a sabbatical.”
Lisa P*, 32, Panaji
Perimenopause: 1 Me: 0
“Last December, when someone close to me passed away, I got my period for the second time in a month. The gynaecologist said it must have been because my body had gone into shock, as I was too young for perimenopause. But now, after continued irregular periods and much research, I think she was wrong. While my routine hasn’t changed, I feel more emotional and stress seems to impact me much more easily. Thankfully, my sex drive has remained the same and my husband has been ever-so caring and understanding.”
Piu T*, 43, Pune
Mismatched
“I recently had a hysterectomy thanks to dormant CIN-3 HPV. My gynaecologist warned me that my sex drive could plummet post surgery, but this has not been the case. On the contrary, my libido has been higher than ever before, and definitely higher than it was in my 30s. Unfortunately, my partner’s has decreased significantly. And this seems to be a conversation I’m having with a lot of my girlfriends – where their partners, who are in their 40s, are no longer interested in sex. He tries to pleasure me in other ways and we’re exploring avenues on how to improve the situation, but I suspect this will take longer than I’d like.”
Arti S*, 42, Mumbai
The thing about sexual desire in women is that it isn’t a one-size-fits-all, as is abundantly clear. Our bodies are strong, complicated and constantly surprising us. The only thing we can do is listen to it and let it guide us (and our partner/s) to bliss.
*All names changed upon request
