I survive and thrive while being sober at an Indian wedding
It’s time to make a burn book
A sea of colourful sarees, brocade ghararas and dupattas shimmering with sitaras; joyous laughter and chatter fill the air as the wafting scent of piping hot jalebi drags you by the nostrils like a Warner Brother’s cartoon character. There’s a dhol playing somewhere, somebody’s chacha is trying to convince his spectators that he can do a squat while balancing a plate of laddoos on his head, but everyone knows he’s already made a few trips to the open bar. When you’re the only person who is sober at an Indian wedding, it’s almost like watching a comedy unfold. Each character has their own series of unfortunate events — some crying, others catastrophising over possible wedding emergencies (we have some fixes) and a runaway dulhan (don’t worry, it’s just the 25 kg lehenga slowing her down).
Even at the most shudh desi weddings, there are always some ‘non-veg’ activities going on. At least one cousin or uncle has a DIY bar running out of their gaddi ki dikki (or a car-o-bar as it’s called). And no matter how much people deny it, most make a sneaky visit to get through the day (and night) that’s filled with overwhelming emotions. Are you sure that’s a lemon iced tea and not a Long Island iced tree in dadiji’s hand?
Everyone has a drink of choice. Mine is a chilled Diet Coke. It’s not like I haven’t indulged before. I don’t know if it’s age, changing body chemistry, the daily cocktail of medications I take, or all of the above, but my body now completely rejects alcohol. Even the smell of it makes me gag. Two sips of a beer and I’ll be rushing to the bathroom to throw up. At age 31, it baffles people when I decline a tasty cocktail or chilled beer after a particularly testing day. Weddings are no different, with people walking around with bottles in their hands, hunting down victims to pour drinks into their mouths with as much consent as being jostled around in the metro compartment during peak hours.
Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against the merriment that comes with weddings. But eventually, at the end of the day or night, I’m the only one (at least in my age group) left with my wits about me.
But if your feet are hurting after breaking it down to Kajra Re or wedding MVP Sukhbir’s Ishq Tera Tadpave and Gur Nalon Ishq Mitha on the dance floor, I’ve learnt that there are plenty of other things you can do when sober. Fear not, my fellow teetotalers, for I have discovered some hilarious and unconventional ways to not only survive, but thrive in this boozy wonderland.
How to enjoy being sober at an Indian wedding
Start a burn book
Ah, the inevitable barrage of intrusive inquiries from well-meaning (or not) aunties and uncles at weddings. Instead of letting their prying questions dampen your spirits, why not turn it into a game?
Channel your inner Mean Girls and take a page out of Regina George’s burn book to start your own. Jot down all the cringe-worthy queries about your personal life. From “Beta, when will you settle down?” to “Are you still single?” and the classic “Why have you gained weight?” – document them all.
Not only will it serve as a cathartic release, but it’ll also provide endless entertainment for you and your fellow sober comrades. And who knows, maybe one day it’ll make for a hilarious memoir titled Surviving Shaadi Season: Tales from the Sober Side.
Have a dance off with your talli peers
Once you regain sensation in your feet, it’s time to hit the dance floor again. It can be a place of pure joy and uninhibited self-expression, but also a source of anxiety and self-doubt. Worry not, for I have discovered the ultimate secret to conquer your fear: a good old-fashioned dance off.
Gather a group of enthusiastic and slightly tipsy dancers, and kick things off with a battle royale. Watch as their lack of alcohol-induced coordination becomes your greatest strength.
You’re guaranteed to come out on top when you’re the only one who can still remember the steps. You are bound to win, perhaps the only time if you have two left feet.
Play shaadi bingo
Say hello to shaadi bingo, your passport to amusement. Create a bingo card loaded with all the desi delights like “Dadaji falls asleep during the ceremony” or “Monty starts a spontaneous garba circle”. Then, sit back and enjoy the show as the wedding unfolds like a Bollywood blockbuster.
As the festivities unfold, keep your eyes peeled for these moments of hilarity and hijinks. Perhaps it’s the sight of aunties arguing about whose saree drape is better or the inevitable “Who will catch the bouquet?” showdown that leaves everyone holding their breath.
Who knows, you may even score a prize (or at least earn bragging rights that’ll last till the next big family gathering).
Gather the tea
Harnessing the clarity of your sober mind, embrace the role of detective and take note of all the wedding shenanigans to store in your mind palace.
Sniff out clandestine dramas, covert romances and hilarious mishaps taking place throughout the event, which people think will go unnoticed.
You’ll be able to recall every twist and turn of the day’s (or night’s) events with crystal-clear clarity. So, while others nurse their hangovers the next day, you’ll be regaling friends and family with tales of intrigue and amusement — all without a migraine.
As the final notes of the wedding band fade into the night and the stars twinkle brighter overhead, remember this: whether you play shaadi bingo or are dancing the night away, being sober at an Indian wedding doesn’t have to be a bore — being an observer has its perks. Given the absolutely chaotic energy of big fat Indian weddings, you have plenty of material to work with.
