Is your son catching misogyny off the internet?
It’s infectious, and it’s spreading fast
You thought you only had to worry about your children catching COVID-19, but there’s a different pandemic infecting phone screens around the world. Apart from the dangers parents know of, like violent video games and pornography, journalist and author Bibi van der Zee warns, “misogyny is a thing you can catch off the internet”.
Your 16-year-old is at the top of his class and mastering still life painting; he’s polite and respectful with family members, and he’s attending after-school debates – but he’s also been watching videos from his new favourite creator about how semen retention is the only path to becoming an ‘alpha male’. For the uninitiated, that’s a social construct of the ‘ideal man’ who is dominant, confident, assertive, and in control.
The need to become this alpha male has become so popular that people like Andrew Tate, whom you may have spotted in the headlines lately, have garnered millions of followers and billions of views online. His name appeared in more Google searches than Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian.
He’s currently being held in a Romanian prison on suspicion of human trafficking, sexual assault, and organised crime. Yet his followers stand strong. He is a textbook example of a form of masculinity being propagated online that is devoid of any kindness, empathy, or respect. Hate-baiting on social media, Tate achieved notoriety at lightning speed, and the devoted following to ‘Top G’, as he’s known, is alarming to see in a post-MeToo world.
You’re trying to be positive role models in your sons’ lives, but external exposure will majorly impact them, and you may have little to no control over it. Talking to them about masculinity early on can give them the critical thinking skills they need when encountering content like this, because it’s not just Tate. “This kind of gendered thinking and soft misogyny is often presented online in the form of health and fitness, and dating advice which boys gravitate towards during puberty,” says Preet Atwal, a psychotherapist with the New Delhi-based MindfulHealth clinic.
We seek out role models the most in puberty because we’re struggling to decide who we are or want to be. In these formative years, we’re experimenting with identities and personalities like they’re Maggi toppings, while coming face-to-face with gendered roles in society. It’s an awkward period and not a very kind one.
Even as their bodies are going through awkward changes, there’s pressure to live up to impossible standards set on social media, so young boys stumble upon role models who fit the ideal that’s celebrated and championed in the world. Atwal explains that what boys find attractive about influencers like Tate, for example, is that they see someone rich, successful, surrounded by beautiful women and cars – in short, everything the world expects them to be. He projects strength and success in an increasingly competitive world (have you seen college cut-offs lately?).
A major cultural consciousness shift occurred after the Times Up and MeToo movements. Power dynamics were shaken up as women’s voices took centre stage. There are still some teething problems in this new world where women are more outspoken about their boundaries and consent while we’re trying to break away from everything patriarchal society has told us we should be.
The boys and men stuck between the new rules of engagement and old-school thinking ingrained in them since childhood seek validation from people like Tate, who allows them not to have to go through these difficult changes. Instead, Tate and his manosphere influencers affirm the less desirable traits and immature emotions they may hold because it’s easier than learning or growing out of it with their peers or parents.
We can relegate this to toxic masculinity, but Atwal says that’s too simplistic. Parents need to change their language and approach when talking to boys about masculinity. Hopped up on hormones, boys heavily identify with their ‘masculinity’ because they’re trying to figure out what it means, “so deeming a part of it ‘toxic’ will make them automatically more defensive because it feels like finger-pointing, even if they haven’t done anything wrong, so to speak.” Talk to them about feminism and its positive impact on all genders, says Atwal, but also address masculinity and its many forms head-on.
There’s no single way to ‘be a man’ or exhibit masculine traits. The expert advises, “Talk to children about the wide variety of personalities, traits and behaviours associated with ‘being a man’ while acknowledging that a negative side also exists.” Address the intersection of race, economic and cultural backgrounds, sexuality and religion.
No child, especially a teenager, will want to sit through a lecture, so it can be challenging. Still, with open lines of communication, you can inform them about this particular dark side of social media.
Get in on the conversation
This isn’t just online discourse; it has real-world implications. We can’t pretend that this kind of content doesn’t exist. Familiarise yourself with the kind of content your child might consume online. What are the main talking points that seem to attract viewers? What are the typical reactions and arguments happening in the comments section? This way, you know what you need to address and how.
Ask them if they’ve come across creators like Tate who speak about women in a disaparaging way. What do they think about what’s being said? Do they then discuss it with their friends?
Even if they respond with “no, I think it’s stupid” (a normal teenager response), question their response, not as an accusation but in a way to better understand what they think about such subjects so you can have more engaging conversations about it.
Let the floodgates open
Arguing and scolding may be tempting as ras malai in your IF fasting period. Resist and prepare yourself to be a non-judgmental active listener (here’s how to become one).
Ask questions about what they think, how this content makes them feel, why they think they feel this way, and more, without interrupting to counter their point.
“Boys try to be strong and silent to project strength, but all they really want at that age is someone to listen, even if what they have to say is something ‘bad’.” Let them get angry, or cry – allow them to get comfortable experiencing the spectrum of human emotions that boys and men are often told to keep at bay.
The fear of judgement keeps making them lock up tighter than skinny jeans after Diwali, forcing them to slink into the darker corners of the internet for connection, says Atwal. As a parent, you can help them feel less lonely in this confusing period of puberty. Asking them questions shows that you value their opinion and makes them feel heard and seen.
Find the teachable moments
This isn’t a conversation you can compress into one sit-down like a rushed sex talk with our awkward parents. With such a complex issue, you need to find the teachable moments in daily life to spark these talks during your drives, walks, watching TV or even at the dinner table.
For example, keep an ear out for what your child shares with you about their day or night out with friends. If you hear about an experience or topic that can be linked to this subject, then use that as a reference point to drive the conversation into this territory instead. “Rohan said he broke up with his girlfriend because she was too pushy? What do you think was pushy about her? Would it be the same if he were the one doing these things?”
You can use a TV show or movie that you watch together as a conversation starter (we have some good options for you).
Clinical psychologist Catherine Steiner-Adair says, “Talk about the shows with them without being condemning. You can’t demonise the world our children are growing up in but you can help them learn how to deconstruct the values.”
Discuss social media etiquette
We grew up in the age of Hi5, Orkut and the entry of Facebook. It felt like you could do or say anything online, especially when you could remain anonymous. Hindsight is 20/20, and we learnt to protect ourselves from phishing scams, fake profiles and Nigerian princes promising to give us a million dollars.
The internet is a whole other beast now, and what’s posted online stays there forever. Trying to emulate the behaviour of these creators in their online interactions can come back to haunt them later in life when they’ve outgrown this persona and entered the adult world where HR scours your social media pages before hiring you.
It requires a certain amount of monitoring of their online activity. If you spot something distasteful, you can ask them, “Is this something you would say to this person to their face? How would you feel if someone said this to you?”
Atwal says we need to bring emotionality back into how we talk to others online, making them realise that what’s being said or done online plays out very differently if you try to do it in real life. “They may try and talk or behave as they see their idols do online, and when it goes kaput, their self-esteem takes a big hit, making them more closed off, angry, and running back to these same people who will say, ‘Look, I told you women behaved this way.’ They’re selling people lies.”
Introduce alternative online role models
You’re trying everything, and it’s not exactly going as planned. That’s fine, too. Do you remember how stubborn you were about wanting to dye your hair pink when you were 15 and how much you sulked when your mom said no?
Your boys are open to listening but don’t want to be fully cut off from these creators yet. Breaking out of the Tate hold can take time. Meanwhile, try and reach a compromise where they expand their social media feeds with positive role models talking to boys about masculinity to show them the many faces of the male identity. This way, they can at least break the echo chambers that social media algorithms create.
Justin Baldoni
Justin Baldoni was known as the hunky love interest in Jane the Virgin, then he did a TedTalk, and the rest was history. Letting himself be vulnerable on a global stage, he spoke about the notions of masculinity he grew up with, his struggles with his relationship with his father, and his mental health. He continued the conversation on redefining masculinity online, turning it into a movement through his podcast Man Enough, books (including a children’s book) and articles.
Tommo Carroll
Tommo Carroll is a digital creator whose content is generally in the realm of science and technology but in an engaging and digestible manner. Science and technology are things boys at this age may be particularly drawn to, but the tech world is heavily skewed against women, often filled with misogyny and gender bias. Carroll’s content, among a few tech content creators, doesn’t end up being a gateway to sexism.
What your kids could find interesting is his 30 skills in 30 days challenge, including things like tying different knots, completing a Rubik’s cube, and folding laundry quickly. These can be fun challenges your kids can do alongside, and as a parent, you can watch as they reap the benefits of skill learning. They can come away with a practical skill that will take them through life, newly strengthened neural pathways, better cognition and memory, and maybe a cool party trick or two.
Terry Crews
Look at Terry Crews, and you see someone that hits all the markers of what a traditional manly man should be. But he also has openly discussed his sexual assault to raise awareness of victims getting blacklisted in the industry. He addresses subjects of race, body image, mental health, and vulnerability – all the things we love to see in an aspirational masculinity influencer. He’s also a goofy guy we love to see on our timelines.
Max Radcliffe
If it’s modern dating advice your sons are looking for, then Max Radcliffe is the kind of dating coach you’ll want to nudge them towards. He gives advice on all the same topics that other dating coaches would: the ‘friend zone’, getting ghosted, and coping with rejection. But he does it while incorporating and addressing important things like respect, empathy, and consent.
View this post on InstagramA post shared by Respectful Relationships for Young Men (@maxi.radcliffe)
Pierre F
Pierre F is a professional model with a great running series called healthy masculinity. Here he debunks and fact-checks many of the more popular content and ideas that self-proclaimed self-help gurus and alpha male content creators put online, approaching it from a realistic, empathetic lens and addressing the negative impact it actually has on men’s mental health and relationships.
There are as many ways to be masculine as there are types of dals in this country, and encouraging critical thinking, exposing them to different online influences, and talking to them about how they feel can help them prioritise respect, empathy, and healthy relationships as they delve into the online world.
