20 questions to ask your long-time partner beyond "dinner mein kya khaana hai?"
Plunge into the depths of your relationship
Falling in love can transform your experience of life—from watching a black-and-white print of Kaagaz ke Phool in a single-screen theatre, you suddenly find yourself immersed in the vivid world of an Avatar screening in IMAX. The colours are brighter, the surround sound makes your body tremble and the visuals are so realistic you believe that you, too, are floating on water alongside blue-skinned humanoids.
Finding your person to do life with is wonderful, but maintaining that relationship takes hard work, constant communication and showing up day after day. As the priest from Fleabag rightly said in season 2, “Love is awful, it’s painful, it’s frightening… makes you selfish, makes you creepy, makes you obsessed with your hair…”. Long-term relationships can run through a familiar course, starting with an intense desire to know everything about your partner— their dreams, desires and lovable quirks. But as the years pass, and days and nights are spent picking out curtains, splitting grocery bills and helping each other cope with insecurities (and weird pimples), it can start to feel like the words have run out.
According to Delhi-based relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh, three to five years is generally considered a long-term committed relationship, “But it’s about the depth of connection, shared experiences and emotional investment of both partners,” she says. While ‘comfortable silences’ are a hallmark of a healthy relationship, there’s another kind of silence that could be detrimental to the relationship. “Couples become so familiar with each other’s routines, preferences and opinions that conversations may feel less enthusiastic or repetitive,” explains Ruuh. “This can lead to assumptions or a lack of curiosity.”
Remember, the person you fell in love with five years ago may not be entirely the same today—and neither are you. It’s important to remain curious about each other as you grow and change, and to ask questions to get to know each other’s new and evolving selves. This will help you make necessary adjustments to your relationship as well.
So if you’re looking for ways to deepen your connection but don’t know where to start, don’t fret. We quizzed relationship counsellor, Ruchi Ruuh to share 20 questions you can ask your long-time partner to strengthen your bond.
20 questions to ask a long-time partner to deepen your relationship
- What do you still want to achieve, personally and as a couple?
- How satisfied are you sexually, and is there anything you’d like to add or change to make intimacy more fulfilling?
- How can I be more emotionally available and reassuring towards you?
- How will we handle caregiving responsibilities for our ageing parents and support each other through it?
- How satisfied are you with your career? Would you like to switch roles, make a move, or take a break at some point?
- Do you see us having children/pets in the future?
- What boundaries do we need to set with each other, and with others?
- How can we support each other’s physical and mental health goals?
- What insecurities do we each hold (This can be related to ageing, body image, behaviour patterns, finances) and how can we support each other in navigating them?
- How can we improve the way we communicate during our key conflicts?
- Are there any arguments or grievances we’ve had in the past that are still lingering in your mind? How can we work through them?
- How can we maintain trust and avoid secrecy or misunderstandings in our relationship?
- Are we both happy with the distribution of domestic responsibilities? Are our expectations fair, and do we need to re-evaluate them?
- How much time do we want to spend with friends versus each other? Are we able to find a balance that supports our needs?
- What are our attachment styles, and how do they influence our relationship dynamics? Are there ways we can work together to create a more secure attachment?
- What’s one unresolved hurt from your childhood that still bothers you and how can I support you through it as you heal?
- What’s your comfort level with sharing our relationship on social media? Are there boundaries you’d like to set to feel more included and secure?
- What family values and traditions do we want to maintain or create? Are there any redundant traditions that we can let go of?
- What are our preferences for healthcare, insurance, wills and end-of-life planning?
- How can we encourage each other to pursue individual interests and hobbies? Are there any shared passions we’d like to explore together?
