Yup, learning your partner’s conflict resolution style will improve your relationship

How to fight the problem, not each other

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a carriage. Or, in some cases, lust arrives first, followed by awkward texting, unlabelled dalliances, choosing not to have kids and exploring polyamory. The definition and components of romantic relationships are evolving faster than the time it takes to explain a situationship to your nani. Yet, one thing remains constant—fighting with your partner, pati/patni or paramour.

But don’t fret, we’re here to make sure your bedroom doesn’t turn into a WWE wrestling ring.

A couple’s guide to conflict resolution styles

While we’ve already examined how learning your partner’s love language could improve your relationship, it’s also important to identify your conflict resolution styles. They can reveal unresolved traumas rooted in childhood experiences and past relationships (mommy and daddy issues are real). And deconstructing these styles will help you understand why your spouse shuts down during fights while you embody Manjulika from Bhool Bhulaiyaa, and how the two of you can meet midway.

The most well-known model of conflict management, The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI), divides conflict resolution styles into five types—competing, accommodating, avoiding, collaborating and compromising.

Developed in 1974, this model has been used for over fifty years by HR departments, meditators, negotiators and business coaches to resolve conflict. But Prachi Saxena Vaish, a trauma-focused clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, also applies its principles to romantic relationships.

She explains, “It is always helpful to get clarity on each other’s [conflict resolution] styles because it allows for compassion, empathy and insight into each other’s behaviour patterns.”

How to identify your conflict resolution style during fights with your partner

In life, we use varied conflict resolution styles, depending on the situation. During instances where boundaries are clearly defined, like at a workplace, you may be more assertive.

But in an emotionally-charged romantic relationship, where boundaries are blurred, Vaish finds that partners unconsciously adopt the conflict resolution style they witnessed between their parents. They either emulate the parent they feel closer to, or take the opposite approach. According to her, there exists one ideal conflict resolution style (wait for it).

#1 Competing
Partner A: “I’m hurt by how you responded to me in front of your friends.”
Partner B: “Oh really? And what about the time when you said X to me? Do you know how hurt I was?”

The partner with a competing style is power-driven and veers towards winning. They aren’t necessarily looking for mutual resolution; instead, they want to feel like they are right, or the bigger victim. This could make the other partner feel ignored and unloved.

Vaish says, “This [style] usually originates when one has grown up in an environment of comparison, and has to work hard to be accepted or given affection. Or if they are not taken seriously when they achieved something.”

#2 Accommodating
Partner A: “You never listen to me and you’re always doing things how you want!”
Partner B (while wanting to disagree): “Um…okay…you might be right. I can be like that sometimes.”

This style is the opposite of competing, where the person becomes passive and accepts everything their partner says. While they might think they’re acting out of love, this likely stems from self-esteem issues rooted in childhood. This person’s needs were either not given space, or they were told to accommodate others’ needs and shamed for asserting themselves.

While giving in during smaller disagreements is okay, over time, the accommodating partner might begin to harbour feelings of resentment.

#3 Avoiding
Partner A: “I’d like to talk to you about our financial situation. I think we need to think about it seriously.”
Partner B: “I’m too tired today. Maybe another time.”

The person with an avoiding style evades or deflects the issue, and lacks assertiveness. They do not want to engage in heated dialogue as it makes them uneasy, explains Vaish. This is found in many Indian families, where fights are resolved by ignoring underlying issues and applying the ‘ek doosre ko sorry bolo aur ek hug de do’ (just say sorry and hug it out) approach.

Growing up in such an environment leaves individuals with inadequate tools for emotional regulation. They shut down or turn away from conflict. The following day, they may pretend nothing happened by being overly polite. While taking space when you’re extremely agitated is necessary, delaying crucial conversations indefinitely can lead to a pressure-cooker like build-up—eventually you’ll be one seeti away from exploding.

#4 Compromising
Partner A: “Why do you have to send so many expensive gifts to your sister every month?”
Partner B: “Okay fine, please don’t get upset. I won’t send anything this month, alright?”

Here the person does not go to the root of the issue, but opts for a temporary solution to appease both parties. These individuals have likely grown up in an environment where they were taught compromise by adults who resolved conflict by making deals, instead of unpacking a dispute.

While compromise falls between competing and accommodating, in the long run, the compromising partner may feel resentful and resort to passive-aggressive behaviour.

#5 Collaborating
Partner A: “Why did you not sit next to me at dinner today? You were hanging out with your friends the whole time!”
Partner B: “Oh, I can see this has upset you. Come here, let’s talk about it. Help me understand why this bothered you so that we can enjoy parties together without facing this issue in the future.”

This is the healthiest conflict resolution style. A collaborative person is open to hearing their partner’s point of view, assertive about sharing their own, and wants to explore any underlying issue to reach a mutually-satisfactory agreement. Those with this style were likely raised in a democratic household where children were heard and involved in decision-making.

Can you (and should you) change your primary conflict resolution style?

When you’re angry and hurt, you will react instinctively and adopt your primary resolution style. But Vaish recommends recognising and modifying one’s style if it is dysfunctional and unproductive. “Don’t see it as changing yourself or your spouse,” she says.

I’ve discovered I ‘compete’—by distancing from one parent’s accommodating nature, I’ve been turning into the other. I struggle to hear my husband out, which has worked in the past because he’s always avoided conflict. Lately, his calm demeanour has been replaced by reactiveness, caused by years of avoidance.

If you’re struggling to build a more collaborative style, Vaish breaks it down: “To resolve conflict in a healthy way, one must consider two basic dimensions: assertiveness and cooperation. In a conflict, observe how willing you are to cooperate (not accommodate), and how assertive (not aggressive) you are with regard to your needs.”

With this approach, my partner and I are not suddenly sparring with grace. However, uncovering the roots of our conflict resolution styles has taught us more about ourselves (and our in-laws) than any compatibility test ever could.

Let’s hope we remember these details before our next fight, whether it’s about mislaid bills, flippant tones, overstepped boundaries or “oversharing details of our personal life on the Internet, Chandni”.

A note of caution: This article is meant for informative purposes and includes expert insights. If you’re struggling in your relationship, please reach out to a trained professional.