Dating your friend's ex can be messier than a toddler at an ice-cream shop
It’s difficult, if not impossible, to clean up
There are few shows people love to hate as much as Emily in Paris. Its chaotic romances, tangled friendships, and Emily’s improbably perfect work life become conversation starters every time a new season drops. While Emily’s choices are usually the ones under the microscope, this time the spotlight has shifted. Mindy, Emily’s closest friend in Paris, and her link-up with Alfie, Emily’s ex has sparked one of the season’s most divisive debates. Reddit threads are overflowing with opposing takes. Some argue Mindy did nothing wrong, others see the move as steeped in betrayal. Either way, it has clearly struck a nerve, drawing out strong opinions and even stronger emotions.
It’s only fair because Mindy was Emily’s first friend in Paris. Their bond formed quickly and deepened over time. They confided in each other, supported each other’s ambitions, and showed up for each other through romantic highs and disappointments. There had been trust, emotional safety and room for vulnerability between them, a friendship that felt chosen rather than convenient.
It’s why Mindy’s connection with Alfie this season has felt unsettling, even though they clearly have chemistry. Both are newly single, and their interaction at the café moves fast. There is instant warmth, a sense of understanding, and a near-kiss that arrives before either of them seems to pause. It feels less like coincidence and more like a spark that had been waiting for just the circumstances to ignite—a reading many viewers online seem to share.
We have seen this scenario play out all too often, in Gossip Girl, in Friends, in How I Met Your Mother—and in real life too. And the fallout is almost always messy.
Dating a friend’s ex is never neutral
Even when a breakup is mutual and there are no residual feelings between two people, it’s still not without meaning when a friend treads into this territory. The pain has less to do with the ex and more to do with the violation of an implicit boundary within the friendship, says Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist at H. N. Reliance Foundation Hospital and Research Centre, Mumbai.
In Friends, when Ross found out that Joey and Rachel had started dating, he was more upset about his friend being the one to cross that boundary. We tend to expect romantic relationships to come with their set of endings and uncertainties. But we expect our closest friendships to be a space where we won’t feel betrayed (Friendship breakups can hurt more).
Most friendships do not fracture simply because feelings developed between exes and friends. They often fall apart because of the implied secrecy (whether you’re found out or own up first), discovering that a friend and an ex became emotionally enmeshed when you weren’t looking feels like betrayal. And that can lead to further feelings of being disrespected and deprioritised. Like desire was chosen over a deeper relationship.
As a result, the new relationship is often saddled with emotional baggage from the get-go. Guilt is common, particularly when a person has a healthy sense of empathy. And then this guilt also battles internal justifications, says Dordi, such as emphasising that the situation was unplanned or that personal happiness must come first. “When a relationship begins at the cost of another valued bond, it can carry an emotional burden, unless the situation is handled with accountability and repair,” she explains.
The friendship that was lost to this new relationship rears its head everywhere. It lingers in overlapping memories, shared social circles, and familiar routines that refuse to reset. Even in Emily in Paris, the characters inhabit the same friend group, the same café down the road, and often the same workspaces. In situations like these, emotional neutrality is a myth. Someone, if not everyone, almost always bears the cost.
Can it ever be okay?
In some situations, it’s never okay to date a friend’s ex. Michelle Cantrall, a US-based clinical counsellor, notes that if your friend experienced abuse, betrayal, or deep emotional harm at the hands of their ex, it’s never appropriate to pursue that relationship. Doing so, she adds, constitutes a breach of trust and risks re-traumatising them.
However, even when a relationship ends amicably and with closure, the friendship is likely to undergo a permanent shift, even if it doesn’t dissolve entirely. Dordi says the expected outcomes are “increased emotional distance, more guarded interactions, and a thinning of emotional intimacy, with resentment or grief remaining unresolved.”
But can friendships survive conflict if the hurt is acknowledged and dealt with correctly? According to Dordi, yes. She says there are circumstances where dating a friend’s ex becomes more understandable, but emphasises that this does not make the choice consequence-free. It only means the potential costs are recognised and approached with care.
If a person wants to proceed to date a friend’s ex despite the risks to the friendship, Dordi suggests the following steps to minimise the damage to the friend:
Communicate early and transparently
The most respectful way to go about this situation is to communicate with your friend before acting on your connection with their ex, not after things “just happened”. Which means that though Mindy frames her time with Alfie in Italy as a casual escapade, hoping what happens in Rome stays in Rome—the conversation with Emily should have come earlier. “Waiting until a relationship feels more solid may feel safer for those involved, but it often leaves the friend feeling blindsided and stripped of agency. Secrets intensify betrayal,” says Dordi.
Acknowledge the harm without defensiveness
When someone is upset with us, we often apologise but with a side of justification. Saying how you thought they were over their ex and it would be okay to date them is not called taking accountability. Neither is it about constantly apologising, but about recognising that something meaningful was disrupted by your actions. It is about validating the other person’s hurt and taking responsibility for your choices. Dordi suggests avoiding statements like “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” and instead, say, “I understand that this is painful, and I take responsibility for my role in that.”
Respect emotional timelines
Don’t expect your friend’s healing to follow a timeline that feels comfortable to you. What may seem like dragging things out could simply be the time they need to process hurt, rebuild trust, or come to terms with your relationship with their ex. This isn’t something you get to fast-forward. Rushing them to ‘be okay’ often compounds the injury rather than resolving it. As Dordi notes, “Pressuring someone to move on rarely heals the wound—psychological recovery happens at its own pace.”
Avoid triangulation and comparison
The past does not become neutral just because a relationship has ended. Pulling old dynamics into the present keeps the injury active and complicates everyone’s role within it. “Never discuss your friend’s ex or share the details of your relationship with them. You should not position yourself as ‘better’ or ‘different,’” says Dordi. It’s not like you’re joining a company your friend quit, and can excitedly exchange notes and tea about it.
Accept that the friendship may change or end
Repair does not always lead to restoration. Some friendships cannot recover their original sense of safety, and insisting otherwise can feel coercive. “Approaching the situation without an expectation of forgiveness is a more ethical and emotionally aware stance,” says Dordi.
The uncomfortable truth is that crossing some lines, even if they are not written in stone, is costly. Crossing them does not make someone immoral or irredeemable, but it does demand an honest reckoning with what may be lost. The question isn’t “Is this allowed?” It’s “Am I prepared for what having this will require me to lose?”
