Why foreplay is the unskippable entrée of female pleasure
An expert guide to taking control of your own pleasure if your partner keeps skipping the basics
Picture this: It’s your suhaag raat, you’re anticipating getting intimate with your partner, hoping to have a toe-curlingly good time full of tender foreplay and an orgasm that makes you see stars. It starts alright with a kiss, but before you can even find a rhythm, it comes to an underwhelming end—and you’re left sitting on the toilet bowl, confused, thinking, “What just happened?” This is one of the early scenes in the Sanya Malhotra starrer Mrs, which was released on OTT in February 2025.
If you’ve missed the internet storm around the film, here’s a breakdown of a pivotal scene: Sanya Malhotra’s character Richa confronts her sexist husband about repeatedly ignoring her needs in the bedroom, which results in uncomfortable and painful sex for her. When she expresses this to her husband, he tells her she should be grateful he still wants to sleep with her given she stinks of the kitchen—the place he himself expects her to toil in all day. The irony here is that Richa’s husband, as he tells her at the beginning of the movie, is a doctor of “female anatomy” yet clearly lacks an understanding of it. This unfortunately holds true for several men, doctors or otherwise.
A recent study found that men’s orgasm rates across all age groups ranged from 70% to 85%, a good 22-30% more than women’s which ranged from 46% to 58%. The study notes that this orgasm gap in adulthood arises from socio-cultural norms that undervalue women’s sexual satisfaction, prioritise penetrative sex, and lead to attitudes that favour men’s pleasure. Bengaluru-based sexologist and pelvic care therapist Anchal Kaushal says, “Many modern couples have a limited understanding of sex, and as a result, find themselves in low-sex or sexless relationships. They assume sex is about positions, orgasms, or the latest ‘hot tip,’ but true intimacy is so much more. It is the need to be met and accepted—both sexually and emotionally”.
Sexual intimacy and satisfaction are very important parts of a relationship, and foreplay is a crucial step in a woman’s enjoyment of sex. The absence of pleasure and desire can affect relationships on a profound level. We spoke to experts to understand the role of foreplay in a relationship, how a lack of it can affect your life outside the bedroom, and what you can do to take control of your pleasure.
Why foreplay is the real MVP of sex
Men and women are wired differently, including in the ways they experience desire and arousal. Men often experience spontaneous arousal, they’re ready before anything even happens. But female desire, Kaushal explains, is often responsive. “It builds with the right touch and attention. If you skip foreplay, you might be skipping the very thing that creates desire.”
Haryana-based marriage and sex therapist Dr Neha Mehta further adds that foreplay is important for women because it gives them the security that their partner wants them more than their body, and second, because it leads to arousal. “Touching the body releases oxytocin that helps in arousal, lubrication and better orgasms for women. Lots of foreplay helps women feel happy and satisfied,” says Dr Mehta.
Female desire and pleasure don’t work like a light switch; our bodies are meant for slow, intentional touch. “Our connective tissue—fascia—is designed to register pleasure at a certain speed. If touch is too fast or rough, the body can miss the pleasure signals altogether, sometimes even numbing out. Slowing down helps sensation land fully, deepening arousal,” says Kaushal.
Skipping foreplay? It could be a relationship killer
Due to a lack of sex education and understanding of women’s pleasure, men are unable to understand the clit-vaginal dynamics and the extent of its impact. Delhi-based couples counsellor Ruchi Ruuh explains that a lack of foreplay can not only make sex painful and uncomfortable, but also make women feel coerced into the act. “The arousal and sexuality of men and women work differently. As compared to men, women need a little more assurance, comfort and emotional connection to engage in sexual acts. They need to feel respected and loved during the act itself,” explains Ruuh.
A lot of couples, despite understanding what foreplay is, skip it due to less time, hectic schedules and lack of privacy. Over time, sex becomes more about ‘let’s get it done with’ rather than a mutually pleasurable exploration and expression of intimacy.
Physical effects of skipping foreplay
The absence of foreplay leads to less lubrication and sex can feel rough and uncomfortable. “The woman’s body will ache and her energy levels will decrease and affect her body just like depression and anxiety can do,” explains Dr Mehta.
“As a somatic sexologist and pelvic care therapist, I see many women with chronic UTIs, pudendal neuralgia, and dyspareunia—often due to lack of arousal. When tissues aren’t engorged, nerves get impinged, signalling the body that it’s unsafe. The pelvic floor tightens, leading to dysfunction and pain,” says Kaushal.
Emotional effects of skipping foreplay
An unsatisfied sex life can also put pressure on the relationship. Physical touch and emotions are interconnected so the absence of it can lead women to feel disconnected from their partner. “In 80% of my cases, women feel the emotional connection is lacking. They don’t sense passion from their partner, which makes them avoid sex. Not feeling desired lowers their libido, and they stop dressing up to feel better. Over time, these little things build up, creating resentment as they feel their partner’s pleasure is prioritised while theirs is ignored,” says Dr Mehta.
Ruuh explains that many women link sex with love. If their partner isn’t paying attention to their body, they may feel unloved and unwanted. “This can send a message to their mind that they’re not good enough, leading to self-doubt and body image issues.” This can further lead to avoidance of physical touch. If one experience is negative, the woman may avoid engaging in any physical intimacy, be it cuddling, hugging or kissing. “The whole idea of touching each other becomes repulsive to women who’ve had a negative sexual experience with their partner,” explains Ruuh.
The lack of sexual chemistry and satisfaction can also lead to an overall decrease in intimacy in the relationship where these women simply don’t feel close to their partner anymore, further fostering deep resentment. On the other hand, their male partners may also begin to feel undesired due to lack of response, thereby entangling the couple in a knot of sexual and emotional dissatisfaction.
Take the right turn to pleasure town
To make your sexual experience pleasurable, all the experts recommend having open communication with your partner about what is it that you want in bed—for which you need to know what you want. “No two people are the same, and no two partners will desire exactly the same things. This is why open, ongoing communication is key. We are not mind readers. Sex is about connection, desire, self-awareness, and the ability to express boundaries, needs, and desires with clarity and confidence. The more we learn to listen—to our bodies and to each other—the more fulfilling our intimate lives become,” says Kaushal.
Here are a few things that you can do, according to our experts, to get those orgasms flowing.
Talk to your partner about what you want in bed: “Calmly communicate to your partner about what works for you. Take the help of movies, a therapist or articles, to help them understand how they should pleasure you,” says Dr Mehta.
Guide your partner in pleasuring you: “If your partner is enthusiastic about learning how to pleasure you better, try guided imagery, such as using words to paint a mental picture of what feels good (you can try these tips too) and how to make that experience even better. For example, “If you gently trace circles on my back, I feel completely relaxed, and my body melts into the touch. Imagine we’re on a beach, and the warm breeze is touching our skin while we’re wrapped up in each other’s arms. I love it when you hold me close, feeling our bodies relax together.” These are good examples of guided imagery, it can be made spicier as you get comfortable talking. You can also guide them through touch to show them which zones are pleasurable for you,” says Ruuh.
Use lubricants: “If your arousal is taking time (which is natural) or it doesn’t seem enough, introduce lubricants in the act. It will reduce pain during intercourse,” says Ruuh.
Don’t skip self-pleasure: “Explore your body to know what feels good for you. Masturbation is very important because it helps understand your body, and makes you feel more in control of your sexuality and more satisfied,” says Ruuh.
Free your pelvic floor: “Tension loves to camp out in your hips and pelvic floor, cutting you off from pleasure. Gentle hip circles, rocking, and twerking can help shake off stuck emotions and get blood flowing where it counts. Think of it as flirting with yourself,” advises Kaushal.
Touch your body beyond the genitals: “Your whole body is a pleasure map. Explore your arms, thighs, neck, and belly with slow, curious touch. Notice what feels good, what feels numb, and where you crave more aliveness. Your body is waiting for you to wake it up,” says Kaushal.
As Kaushal explains, great sex isn’t about speed—it’s about tuning in, playing, and honouring each other’s bodies. “When you give foreplay the time it deserves, intimacy becomes so much more satisfying.” As women, our bodies are meant to be caressed and our sexual desire to be stoked gradually with intention and attention. Sexual chemistry takes time to build and perfect between partners, give each other time to map your bodies and understand your desires in bed so you can find a way to O town with more oohs than ouches.
