How to have sex even when you're not having sex
Getting off without getting together
By forcing us into self-isolation, coronavirus has officially claimed our sex lives as a victim. Physical intimacy is off the table when you’re separated in different corners of the city, and there are no sexy self-sanitising moves that can get you into the mood right now.
But where there’s a will, there’s a way. Our libido doesn’t have to bear the brunt, unlike our sandpaper hands from the frequent washing.
The long-distance relationship veterans have mastered how to have sex without actually having sex. Taking a leaf out of their book amidst this social isolation can keep your spark — and loins — alive.
When your relationship survives on meeting twice a month and talking through phone screens, you’ve got to get creative.
How to have sex if you’re stuck in a long-distance conundrum
Sexting
Sexting is the easiest choice for beginners. It’s less impersonal, so less awkward than phone sex but allows you to still maintain a sense of intimacy.
Like real sex, sexting needs foreplay too. You can start slow and easy, and build up through saucy subtexts.
“People might think, ‘I don’t know what to say’ or ‘I’m not creative,’ but you don’t have to dive in with all these kinky, dirty things,” Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist told Refinery29. “Find a specific language you feel comfortable with and go slow.”
Like with real sex, you need to practice safe sexting.
Sexting can be safe-ish through encrypted messaging apps or timed ones like Snapchat.
You don’t want to show your face or any identifiable markers unless you trust your partner completely. You could also agree to mutually delete the images or texts once you’re done with the conversation, if you’re worried about them losing their phones.
De-sync your devices, you don’t want to shock your mother on the group family iCloud with steamy pictures of unwanted members.
How to have sex… on the phone
Technology is the greatest tool in your arsenal when it comes to long-distance sex. Sexting can build up to phone sex, but it can be awkward to respond to “what are you wearing?” with anything other than a giggle.
Try role-playing during phone sex. Taking on a character can create a distance from your personal self, enough to allow your imagination to run wild.
Phone sex is all about communicating. Keep your statements simple and don’t worry about overly flowery language, says sex therapist Danny Garrett. Don’t just hang up once you’ve climaxed, either.
The goal is to maintain intimacy despite not being next to each other, so indulge in a little pillow talk once you’ve climaxed.
Just remember to peek outside your window first to ensure you don’t scare any neighbours out on the balcony for their evening tea.
Write and share erotica
Sure, the internet has created a database of every kind of erotica and pornographic materials for varied desires. But there’s something about a more personal approach to it that can get your juices flowing.
Trying creating your own erotic tales and exchanging them with your partner. They can be short sensuous stanzas or venture down the fantasy route – whatever works for you. Words have a power of their own that sometimes visuals just can’t grasp.
Mutual masturbation
Skype isn’t just for awkward work con-calls in these testing times. Set the mood with some dim lighting, candles and toys for a session of mutual masturbation over a video call.
You could build it up through sexts. Make it a virtual date, with dinner and drinks beforehand.
If your long-distance relationship goes beyond just the Coronavirus scare, then it’s worth investing in a remote-controlled long-distance sex toy.
These are wireless sex toys that can be controlled by your partner through an app on their phone. Just make sure they aren’t in any compromising situations beforehand. Like the aforementioned, work con-calls.
Going solo
When all else fails, you can always just go solo. Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, your clitoris is.
If you haven’t yet met, let us introduce you. It’s the tiny lump of flesh above the urethral and vaginal opening.
Like you would a hot cheesy pizza slice, go for it from all sides. Start slow and build it up. Add another finger, caress it from the sides; go round and round, side to side or up and down. Take a joy ride to pleasure city.
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