The four stages of navigating the arranged marriage market
“My questions and answers had become rehearsed. There was no spontaneity left. They turn into interviews.”
In the bustling realm of relationships, where love stories ignite and destinies align, few narratives hold as much intrigue as an arranged marriage. Picture a vibrant tapestry woven with tradition and familial expectation in a colourful dance of emotions.
Within this maze of conventions and societal norms, battling with a new generation, forcing the system to evolve sits 28-year-old Mumbai-based marketing professional Huma*, navigating the labyrinthine pathways of what she calls the arranged marriage market.
Love marriages are on the rise but arranged marriages are still very much the norm in India. There are many stages of being in the arranged marriage market that most women who go through it will be familiar with, says Huma (and it impacts the parents too).
This quest for a life partner is a rollercoaster of emotions and Huma unveils the layers of this age-old practice, offering personal glimpses of the anxieties and growth that come with every stage.
She breaks it down for us from her experience.
Stage #1 Reluctance
Four years ago, I entered the arranged marriage market. I had finished studying, got a job and rebelled against the entire arranged marriage concept. I thought this was so old-school. It’s my life and I felt marriage wouldn’t let me do everything I wanted to do. I fought it. I would not see the biodata people would send me, my parents and I would fight, and there was a lot of crying and arguing. Where there’s hesitance, a parent’s job is to push, and they did.
The arranged marriage market, at least in my community, has evolved. In my parents’ time, it involved someone going to meet the boy or girl at a 5-star hotel with the parents. Then, the boy and girl would go somewhere and talk. Then you meet once or twice more, and within a few months, you’re getting married.
A lot also depended on the background research your parents did. What are their financial situation and personal responsibilities; are they from a good family; are they working? You, as the prospective spouse, would mostly see the superficial aspects. My mom said things like, “I would check their fingernails. How well they’re groomed.” Once, she said no to someone because she didn’t like their haircut – the basis for choosing her life partner.
Now, if you say that to someone, they’ll think you’re out of your mind. While matchmakers are still involved in the process, the biodata is first sent to the girl – no doubt in a bid to modernise. If she likes it, then hers is sent to the boy. If they both agree, then numbers are exchanged and they start texting. It’s upon them to decide if they want to meet, and the parents meet only if things move ahead – though the family still does their jasoosi and background checks.
Back then, it was, oh, is he working? Does he have a house? When my nani wanted to check out her prospective son-in-law, she went to his office but didn’t even know what he looked like. Only two people were there (including him), and she had to ask the nearby shopkeeper which one he was. That was all, that’s how they got married.
Now, you look for different things. Education, where they live, their Instagram account, their friends on Facebook. There’s a lot of anxiety because you know that the other person is also digging into your life behind the scenes. Do you want to put yourself in that position? So there’s a lot of reluctance – I don’t want to go through this. I don’t want to get married; I want my independence and privacy.
But then, after you meet the initial two or three people, you feel like you’ve finally got a hang of the system and want to meet more. It almost becomes a thrill. There are many people you don’t necessarily like on paper, but you meet them anyway. Some people have a phase where they talk to multiple people – keeping their options open.
So then you overcome the hesitation and enter a phase where you almost get this rush – lots of first dates, WhatsApp chats, late-night conversations, meals and drinks.
Stage #2 Mental and emotional lethargy
After a point of meeting many, many people, you realise that you’re just going by a checklist of talking points, questions and answers. This isn’t just a first date. It’s not someone you met on a dating app and think, “he’s cool; we’ll hang out and see where it goes”. No, it’s whether this person can be my life partner or not.
You’re not friends with these people, yet you’re adding each other on Instagram and Facebook. You meet them once but give them intimate access to your life. When you’re on Bumble or Hinge, you’re likely having these conversations on the app itself. If you like someone, you take it ahead and exchange numbers. Most importantly, you can block someone.
Here, if you block or unfollow someone, it can be perceived as an insult. The stakes are higher, and you have families and friends involved. You have to be conscious of what you say or how you say it. For example, you may drink but your parents may not know, or theirs may not. I’ve been in a situation where I’ve had the boy message me later saying, “please don’t tell anyone that I drink or smoke because my parents don’t know”. There are graver repercussions than just ghosting someone.
You go in with a list of questions. Earlier, I would keep them in my mind, and try to slip them into conversation so I don’t come across as uncool. Now, I actually put them down on paper.
There’s a need to be vulnerable and open almost instantaneously. So much of the conversation you have with different people is the same, so I realised that after my fifth or sixth meeting, my questions and answers had become rehearsed. There was no spontaneity left. They had turned into interviews. What is your weakness? What are your future goals? Where do you see yourself in 10 years? You’ve memorised these answers and regurgitated them, rather than engaging in a conversation. You go into autopilot mode.
Stage #3 Self-doubt
You’re on two journeys simultaneously – one with yourself, what you feel and what you go through, and one with your parents. Unlike dating, your parents are involved in every step of this process. Mom would ask “where are you going” and “what are you wearing”. They’re as invested as you are.
I was feeling the pressure to say yes because my parents were getting disappointed, even though it was not their decision at all and they had made that clear.
Thankfully, my parents picked up on how I was feeling and gradually detached themselves from the process. They said, “tell us what you want to tell us, when you want to, and if you want us to step in,” which, to their credit, few parents do. I know people who have given the low-down of their entire date to their extended family.
Even if you say no, it messes with your head after a point. Sure, I’m in a position of power; I have said no in cases where people have liked me, but it takes a toll on your self-confidence. For a long period of time, I was constantly questioning myself, my ideas and my thoughts. You’re saying no, but you question why you’re doing so, especially when they seem like ‘normal’ people, much like yourself. Is something wrong with me that I’m not connecting with or attracted to them?
You think you’re not good enough or that something must be off. You’ll be alone forever because you can’t connect with anyone. All these thoughts come up no matter how hard you try, which chips away at your confidence.
Stage #4 Reassessment
When you meet someone with the thought of possibly having a romantic relationship, you try to show them the best parts of you because the aim is to please. But you realise that at a point, if you’re serious about it, then they need to see you for who you are.
I was being inauthentic, dumbing myself down to talk to some people, saying I liked things I wasn’t really interested in, at least not as much as the other person was. A healthy relationship doesn’t work like that. You’re doing this to find a life partner, not a fling.
I’ve been in the arranged marriage market for about four years now. I know people who clicked with the very first person they met. I know someone else who has met 25 people so far. It feels like a pageant where you put yourself on this stage and let others judge you. There have been times when the boy’s older sister says, “I want to meet you first before you meet my brother”. I know some intelligent, educated and independent women who have given in to these types of demands and judgements.
I allowed this process to get the better of me, where I judged myself deeply, but this is like a game of cards. You don’t know which one you’ll pick and how it’ll all come together. It’s not entirely in your control, so I let go.
I made my own way where I’m still in the system, though I haven’t met anyone in a while, but I am open to it. It has its pros and cons. I’m okay with it, but I haven’t let it be the only avenue. There are other ways to meet people as well. That’s the thing. When you enter the arranged marriage market, you shut your mind off of these other opportunities and possibilities. Just because you’re doing this doesn’t mean you can’t still be on Hinge.
*Name changed upon contributor’s request for anonymity.
