9 out of 10 struggle to say ‘no’, but these women gave up their people-pleasing ways

Real advice from real women

I have seen women turn meek and do things to avoid ‘hurting’ others. They call their in-laws several times a week just to make them happy, or wear a wedding outfit to adhere to everyone else’s expectations. As women we often struggle to say ‘no’ because of the fear the judgement and taanas (taunts) that will follow. A study done by beauty brand Pond’s found that nine out of ten Indian women hold themselves back from expressing their needs. Delhi-based homemaker Reeta Vashist, 55, is no different from the majority. With a BA in Hindi and a B.Ed under her belt, she dreamt of teaching, but shelved her ambitions when her husband wasn’t on board. Decades later, Vashist still grapples with the consequences of her silence (you can learn to say ‘no’ without feeling like a bad person). Indian sanskar often binds us to be agreeable, but the cost is high—especially for our mental health. If you’re nodding along, wondering why it’s so hard to refuse, you’re not alone.

Growing up, I saw how my mother, a people-pleaser, always struggled with saying no, especially to my demanding maternal grandmother, who helped raise me. My grandmother imposed her rules and values on my mother, who felt obliged to comply, believing she owed my grandmother for all the help. As a result, my grandmother had a say in nearly everything—from finances to how I was raised. This dynamic often led to conflicts between my mother and me.

“People pleasing typically shows up as someone being nice and helpful, and they want to come across that way. The problem arises when they aren’t able to set boundaries and speak up for themselves, resulting in them feeling drained out,” says Mumbai-based psychologist Jenisha Shah.

Here’s how four women broke the people-pleasing pattern and reclaimed their peace.

Start small and set boundaries

Viji V, a 62-year-old retired banker from Mumbai, spent years asking for permission—from her mother-in-law, no less—to visit her own parents. But one day, she decided enough was enough. Instead of seeking approval, she simply informed her mother-in-law that she was going. “I stopped tiptoeing around the issue, and started voicing my thoughts more and more, till I got comfortable with it. Over time our relationship improved,” she recalls.

The lesson? Start small, but start. Whether you refuse to help with gardening on a scorching day or skip a family event, practice saying ‘no’. You have to set boundaries that you’re comfortable with. Otherwise, you’ll constantly battle resentment.

Growing up, I decided to stand my ground, unlike my mother, even though it led to taunts from my aunts and grandmother, which sometimes hurt. Over time, I’ve developed a thick skin that has served me well, especially when dealing with acquaintances who are hard to refuse.

Be firm, even if it surprises (you and) others

Mumbai-based former banker Shalini Nagarajan*, learned the hard way that people-pleasing can have serious consequences. After letting her father make decisions about a flat she bought in her husband’s name, Shalini found herself sidelined—her father even sold the property without her consent. “It created a rift with my kids because I didn’t consult them either,” she admits.

The turning point came when she became a branch manager. “My superiors wanted me to approve a dubious loan, but I refused. They were shocked, but I stood firm. That was when I realised the power of a polite but resolute ‘no’,” she says. Shalini now champions diplomacy as a tool to hold her ground without burning bridges.

According to Shah, the long-term consequences of people-pleasing are loss of identity and self-worth, feeling like a pushover, and questioning whether you’re liked for who you are or for your acquiescence. Shah says even if it is something very small (like wanting to go to a Mexican restaurant instead of a Chinese one) you need to stand your ground.

Articulate your needs

Vashist has spent much of her life tiptoeing around others’ expectations, but she drew the line when it came to her daughter’s wedding. When her in-laws refused to attend due to the perceived slight of not being ‘formally’ invited, Vashist stood firm. “I knew I wasn’t in the wrong. The wedding happened without them, and I don’t regret it,” she says, reflecting on how liberating it was to choose her own peace over pleasing others.

“Sometimes, those who people-please, tend to put self-care on the backburner, like doctor’s appointments may be forgone. This eventually becomes anxiety-inducing. You feel manipulated and express yourself in a passive-aggressive manner or through sarcastic comments because of built-up resentment,” Shah says. 

Don’t compromise on what matters to you. “My daughters have learned to articulate their needs without guilt, and that’s something I wish I’d done earlier,” shares Viji.

People-pleasing is a one-way ticket to burnout

Pune-based Dinaz Rohinton Dastoor, 54, is a self-confessed softie who finds joy in making others happy. “I am, by nature, a soft-spoken person and pleasing others makes me happy. It has, of course, taken a toll on me, especially when the person isn’t happy or grateful. I feel rejected and stressed,” says Dastoor who finds it difficult to say ‘no’.

When Mehjabeen Anwar was in her 50s, a neighbour once asked if she could help cook for a family function. “I knew she wasn’t going to help; she would simply give directions and expect things to be done. I didn’t want to do it, so I put my foot down by politely but firmly saying I have prior commitments and suggested that she could hire a caterer. She got the message, managed on her own and I clocked my first successful ‘no’,” says the now 66-year-old, based in London.

Her advice to the younger generation: You can say ‘no’ politely while getting your point across. “Thank you for thinking about me but I won’t be able to help this time.” Start small and, with time, you’ll gain confidence.

I’ve found that meeting the other person mid-way can work well too. As a Malayalee, the off-white kasavu saree was my dream wedding attire. However, my Tamil Brahmin mother-in-law insisted that white wasn’t suitable for a bride in our culture. I stood firm and we eventually compromised: I wore a Kanchipuram silk saree for the ceremony and changed into a kasavu saree for the reception.

Saying ‘no’ and standing your ground isn’t easy, but it’s essential for self-care. Take cues from these ladies who have mastered setting boundaries and expressing themselves. People-pleasing erodes your identity and takes a toll. Instead of a blanket yes, consider a “yes, but” approach, giving yourself time to negotiate terms. If confrontation isn’t your style, propose a compromise as a starting point.

*Name changed upon request for anonymity