My happily married colleague turned into my dating app wing woman
Looking for a man in finance, good grammar, 6’5, brown eyes
It’s not news that the dating pool is no longer a clear, blue stream of water; it’s the muddy puddle that forms in the potholes of Mumbai roads every monsoon season. Step in and you’re bound to get splashed with dirt, leaving a stain on your pristine white shirt and a bad taste in your mouth.
When my last relationship didn’t reach the happily-ever-after stage like I had dreamt, I was upset but didn’t give up on love. I armed myself with all the wit and humour inside me and got on the dating apps to find my lobster or whatever. Now four years in, I have neither found the one nor am I as enthusiastic as before about finding the kind of love that Lord Byron describes in his poems. I’m tired of poor conversation skills, men who look like they’ve fathered two sets of twins before hitting their 30s, and the creepy messages they think are flattering compliments. No Rohan, never say “I’d keep this picture in my wallet,” to a woman on a dating app you don’t know at all, and definitely don’t brag about your “expert skill of getting your hoodie back from me.” Give me a break.
Jaded by the constant disappointments, I was word-vomiting my displeasure during lunch hour at work when my happily married colleague Jayshree* chimed in. “Why is it becoming so tough for you to find someone? You’re too picky,” she declared. With over 20 years of experience in a happy love marriage, my savage Gen X colleague knows a thing or two about what makes relationships last. Hoping her wisdom could spot what my cynicism might be missing, and call me out for rejecting Capricorns and Pisceans for clashing with my Gemini sun—I decided to open up the can of worms that was my dating app to her so she could help find me a match.
As she began swiping through my matches and likes, her face lit up with curiosity but at the same time, disappointment danced in her eyes. She could very quickly see why I complained endlessly and her general comments went like: “Is it a rule that if you upload four good pictures, the fifth one has to be a bad one? What do they mean ‘short term relationship, open to long’? Can’t they decide for themselves? What is this picture? Why am I looking at his cave-like nostrils instead of his face? Ew. This reminds me of cartoon pigs.”
I was very proud of having proved myself right — it’s not me, it’s the bad flurry of options out there when Jayshree broke my mental victory speech — “Shivani, this guy isn’t too bad, he’s 5’9 and seems okay, you are also 5’2 only,” she said about a guy who I had rejected based on his not so tall height. Next came attacks against my inner grammar Nazi —”It’s okay if he has written a prompt in all caps, it’s not reason enough to say no to someone,” Jayshree said with wide eyes. “Shivani, this one has a good smile. I don’t know why you think he looks weird, don’t be this way,” she almost shouted at me like my mum when I said a boy’s smile was crooked and showed too many teeth.
Jayshree was learning exactly what was wrong with the dating world (and me). So both of us trekked through the troughs and crests of the dating app, in an attempt to find me a compatible partner and this is how it went.
My Gen X colleague played Cupid on my dating app to find me a good match
Profile 1: Pediatric surgery resident Pratham*
Features: 6’2, Sagittarius and a Blue Lay’s lover, Mr Pediatric Surgeon was cute, seemed to have a sense of humour, had a good career—he ticked most of my boxes so far.
Jayshree’s take: “Tum dono bilkul Amitabh Bachchan-Jaya Bhaduri lagoge, the guy looks quite sincere too. He’s a good match. You’re 5’2, he’s 6’2, achha hai jhukega thoda. You should give him a chance.”
The conversation date: The opening was great—we went back and forth about how he could fall asleep anywhere and that was a boon given his job, and how I was on this app trying to find a match or my next story for work. After a few days of chatting, albeit sparsely (he was on call and doing 60-hour shifts saving tiny humans) he asked me out for coffee. I suggested moving to Instagram first. I planned to speed text, gauge his personality a little more, and then meet him in a week.
It started off just fine. We spoke about work, our mutual love for puran polis and morning coffee, and how we love our jobs despite how taxing they are. We were just one step away from sharing reels and memes. We even decided to meet. I gave him the days I could fit into my schedule, but he never followed up. The days came and went, the weekend too, but the date never materialised. Eventually, the lack of flirting, banter and initiative, whittled down my interest in him till it was gone.
Verdict: It was a potentially good profile, exactly the kind I would’ve liked to date. I was also unusually understanding about the sparse messaging because I understood the demands of his job. But eh, it tanked big time.
Profile 2: Chartered Accountant Chetan*
Features: 6’0 (You can tell I have a type, can’t you?), a Cancer, and claims his love language is being a good listener. Tall claim, but okay.
Jayshree’s take: “He’s a finance bro, 6’0, why are you rejecting him? Because he’s a Cancer? Itna nakhra bhi theek nahi hai, Shivani. Then you won’t find anyone. He likes coffee and is sarcastic, just like you. Looks a little like A.P. Dhillon too. I think it’s a match. Give it a try.”
The conversation date: Ignoring my rule of not dating water signs, I trusted the expert and went for it. Chetan was enthusiastic enough and responded quicker than the stipulated dating-app response time. It was a dry opening, “Hi, how are you?” Despite my strong inclination to flee the chat scene, I willed myself into a polite response and attempted to keep the conversation going. We bonded over working out and spoke about how deadly deadlifts are and how calf raises are actually worse than squats.
The banter seemed to be seeping in slowly with healthy flirting peeking in now and then. But ultimately after three days of exchanging messages about work, sleep schedules, bicep curls and Severance, the conversation died. Mr finance bro had written “looking for a long-term relationship” in his bio but didn’t seem to grasp its full meaning. So when the conversation took a turn down the ‘what are you looking for’ lane, Chetan got a curious case of the flee-titis and remembered that he was actually just looking for something casual and had only matched with me because he thought I was cute. Overnight, the chat ended.
Verdict: I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the conversation. Swiping on a water sign wasn’t as bad an idea as I thought it would be. But no one is actually who they seem to be on a dating app. It’s best to ask what they’re looking for beforehand so you don’t have to waste 72 hours of your life chasing a dead end.
Profile 3 : Software engineer Shreyas *
Features: 5’11, Aquarius, is obsessed with football (which man isn’t, though?), can cook and seems to have a sense of humour. Easy on the eyes too, with brown hair and eyes.
Jayshree’s Take: “Ooh, he looks really cute. Can cook also, that’s a big plus, Mrs [the film] wali haalat nahi hogi. You will look great together. You should definitely message him.”
The conversation date: Knowing that Jayashree and I were on the same page about this profile gave me the surge of confidence to truly give it a chance. I flirtily commented on a picture of him in a red kurta and his response was not disappointing. The fact that he was a fellow air sign gave me a kick, and might I add, the conversation was breezy. We went back and forth on the dating app for a few days and then moved to Instagram.
I used to think that the ideal flirt-to-banter ratio was like the unicorn of the dating world, a fantasy, but Shreyas proved me wrong. Our core values around money, family and how to live life in general seem to match a good amount. He also does not shy away from talking about serious topics like his career aspirations, childhood and what he wants from life. So far, the fact that he’s not a reader seems to be the only orange flag for me. But I’m not getting too hung up on it. He’s asked me out and we’ll be meeting some time next week.
Verdict: This non-reader will either be the book-boyfriend archetype I have always been on the lookout for, or this whatever-ship will end up in my graveyard of failed romances. But I’m willing to keep a positive mindset and try. With Jayshree’s insights, I may just finally find my elusive lobster or I’ll at least know where to draw the line with my picky self and give a man a chance.
Names have been changed in this story on request of anonymity and to protect privacy.
