It’s weird being the friend back home in a long distance friendship
How do you find a whole new way to be in the same city?
I was two weeks into my driving class, and my instructor was finally letting me drive outside my immediate neighbourhood. I properly felt like an adult despite having been one for almost a decade. After driving through traffic and a few major signals, I suddenly realised I was really close to my best friend’s house. The flash of excitement vanished just as quickly when I remembered she doesn’t live there anymore.
My best friend moved to the US for her PhD two years ago. She’s since built a life there with her new friends, a partner and a cute cat.
I texted her when I stopped at the next signal, “OMG I just drove past your home here.”
That ‘here’ felt awkward as soon as I hit send. Yes, this is her home as her parents still live here. But did it sound like I was saying that her new house there, in Indianapolis, wasn’t really her home? I watched the text settle on a single tick knowing she was already asleep.
We still rant about old and new things, we’re still strongly bonded over being certified haters and share the same sense of humour. But even though our friendship has more or less stayed the same, we’ve changed as people. She has a whole new life, I have a new job. We’re adults who pay taxes in different countries, and as proud as I am of her—and us—it’s been strange experiencing each others’ lives as a retelling instead of together, in real-time.
Goodbye old life, hello old life
Saying goodbye and then being the one who has to go back to the same reality you once shared—only without your friend now— carries a deeper sense of loss. Unlike for the friend who’s leaving, there isn’t the excitement or anticipation of a brand new beginning to distract you from the separation.
Vaishnavi Bhurke, 28, a content writer and tattoo artist from Mumbai tells me she’s been in a long distance friendship with her best friend Maitri for about seven years now. When I ask her what she remembers about seeing Maitri off as she left for New Jersey almost a decade ago, she says, “We’re such emotionally stunted people that neither of us cried or showed any emotion while saying goodbye. But, while returning home in the rickshaw, I remember sobbing all the way back. I’ve never told her about this, obviously.”
In your 20s, you start getting used to your friends moving on and away with their lives, either for jobs, marriage or further education. It’s complicated to share what it feels like to be left behind with the one who is leaving, no matter how close you’ve been.
For Shantashree Nerekar, 25, a graphic designer from Pune, even an awkward goodbye would have been more closure than not getting one at all. Her best friend Isha’s family relocated when they were both in school, and even though they have been in a long-distance friendship since, Nerekar still remembers how painful the separation was. “I used to keep asking her, ‘Will you come to meet me again? Will you move back to this city?’ I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to her properly. One day she just stopped coming to school.”
Deepti Chandy, COO and therapist at Anna Chandy & Associates, Bengaluru, says these difficult feelings are quite normal. “It can feel deeply isolating to find yourself as the friend remaining in a city. Naturally, you miss the ease, familiarity and intimacy of long-standing friendships. That said, this phase can also become an unexpected opportunity—a chance to step beyond your comfort zone, build new connections and rediscover yourself in unfamiliar spaces.”
How to restart from the middle
It makes practical sense to move on and resume life without your friend. But no one talks about just how hard that is when you have to do it in the same city.
Anvesha Shah, 25, a civil service aspirant from Vadodara, has been in a long-distance friendship for four years now. She candidly tells me it’s been hard for her to make new friends. Partly because of her schedule, but also because her best friend and her grew up in the city together, and she doesn’t know how to move through it without her.
“The places that we have been to, the kind of stuff that we used to do together, I feel like doing that with someone else is not really fair. I was able to make new friends when I temporarily moved to Mumbai. It was easy because it was a new city. But now that I’ve returned to Vadodara, I still find it difficult to make new friends here. I realise I’m only missing out more because of this.”
Trying to get over your friend and make new memories in the city can feel like a losing game. Enjoying pani puri with new friends in ‘your’ spot feels like betrayal, but not enjoying it? Now you feel like a sad sack, overly dependent on your long-distance friend to feel normal.
Prachi Saxena, a Trauma focused relationship therapist and coach at The Emotional Wellness Initiative, Lucknow, says you should go ahead and do it anyway. “You have to get comfortable with going to those spots with other people so that you’re not feeling restricted in your own city because of nostalgia. We get too attached to the feeling a memory creates and often want to replicate the exact same feeling or experience. That’s not possible because no two people will be alike.”
Comparison is the thief of friendship
A long-distance friendship dynamic can also get slightly complicated when one friend moves on to greener pastures, like an exciting new country or city, with a better standard of living. Routines that were once comfortable and safe, can now feel staid and boring in comparison. And suddenly envy and resentment seep into even the most loyal, loving friendship.
Shah says, “There was a period after my friend moved, when we went months without telling each other major updates. This created a rift. I felt like she had this whole new life and that she’d forgotten all about me. And that I would have to find out about what was happening in her life from other people. In retrospect it’s so silly, but back then it felt like betrayal.”
Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do, but don’t let it fester for too long either, is Saxena’s advice. “Emotions are responses to perceptions and not necessarily personality traits or character flaws. We need not judge ourselves for our feelings. However, research suggests that the biggest reason for unhappiness in people is comparison. And when comparison leads to feelings of inferiority, it’s time to change track,” she says.
Don’t mind your own business
Ironically, talking about these heavier emotions—the loneliness, how much I want her by my side as my life changes—is something I can only see myself talking to my best friend about. In fact, as I worked on this piece, I kept live-texting her my epiphanies even though she was, once again, asleep.
“This is a representation of ‘involvement’. This is the most underrated quality of close relationships. When we share our day-to-day with our friends or partners we are enhancing involvement which allows everyone to feel really seen.” affirms Saxena.
My friend and I have recently started sending each other video dispatches. She’s always been deeply invested in my pantry, so from BlinkIt to Nykaa orders, I make sure she receives a ‘haul’ video from me every single time. And even though she can no longer just come over and raid it, this is a way for us to recreate a sweet ritual.
Long-distance friendships hinge on your ability to stay nosy about each other’s lives regardless of the geographical distance. If they can’t be with you, they better be in your DMs, WhatsApp, email and FaceTime, nothing less will do.
